I'm tired... so tired of all of this.
Last night I lost my voice in the middle of "underworld" I looked out into the crowd blurs, dotted blurs no faces, and the flashing lights the followed, my eyes leading to a big screen across the crowd Tomo walking over to me, Seiko talking to Erin a worried look on their faces, before Tomo could put his hand on my shoulder he said something, maybe my name, I'm not very sure. I lost my mind, and stormed out of the Arena, I must have ran past the cars and the crowds because when Shou caught me I was covered in rain already, I pulled away from him, and his words that I couldn't hear, i didn't want to hear them. Coursing through me was a cosntant feeling of longing, that verse set me off... "there's so many things I want to give you but I can't do that anymore." It rang inside my head, and I kept running, that verse from the old house lingering inside my head, 'run away....runaway," I hit the station now, and stomach is in knots, my feet hurt from al the walking, from the running, but still, I can't see to stop, and I'm wandering down the street soaked to the bone, not caring if anyone is noticing me in this rain, I don't know if they are looking for me or not, but I don't care, I won't go back there, how can I? Explain what? What they must be thinking, "she was bound to crack any day now" I just refuse to accept that he's dead, they never found him, no, they never did. He must be out there still among the wreckage, maybe in a clinic in a small town? maybe his body drifted towards korea near one of the smaller japanese islands? It's possible!
Somehow, I make my way back to my apartment, I stare at the door, and I can almost feel him with me, waiting for him to punch in the code and slide the door open as he often did, and I am reminded he wont do that anymore, so I do it instead. I don't bother kicking off my shoes, I go straight for the living area, but mom is there along with Michio and Saga who comes over and removes my jacket in exchange for his, "What happened to you?" is the first thing out of Michio's mouth, he's obviously livit and Saga's expression matches his a little but it's gentler still as he adjusts his jacket on me and scans my face for an answer, as he says "Where did you go? Seiko covered for you, but her voice isn't yours, why are you all wet, didn't you see the rain?" but I'm not listening to them I glaze over Saga's concerns selfishly and grab Michio's shoulders, compelled almost to whisper the words, "I don't think he's dead, I don't think he's really dead." He stares into me, but I avoid his eyes and focus on his skin, until I can't help but look into them, his honest brown eyes, and his expression is frozen, but I see it, the fading sparkle in them sorrowful. I'm not convinced by that, I try to pull away, but he holds on to me with his hands on my wrists. "Charlotte, you have accept the things as they are, after months of combing the area they have not found him, only partial remains have been found of other victims in that surrounding area, partial, my dear," I shoke my head immidiately unmoved, "They never found a bit of him at all though, that could mean something," Saga was beside me then, his hand on my shoulder, "Princess, it broke my heart too, all of ours, you aren't suffering alone, and we thought about that too, but if someone found him they would recognize him, don't you think?" He had tears in eyes, and it hurt me to remind him, because he lost his brother too, and I felt all of his pain because it was mine, because it's still mine as well. I wasn't moved though, No, I wasn't thinking about that,my mom had just come back from the twins' room, I looked at her, almost hoping she might share some hope with me, "Maybe they hadn't recognized him at all, right mom? Maybe he's out there, waiting for us to find him, or finding his way back here," I looked at her hopefully, but she immideately bursts out in tears and turns away. I shake my head, but this frustrates Michio and he shakes me by my shoulders in frustration, "Snap out of it Charlote, you're talking nonsense, you're tired, you should take a break from your activies for a while, I'm suspending them all, get out of the city, and take your time to properly grieve." I can only scoff at this though, "tired? You don't think I'm tired, you think I'm crazy, don't you?" his expression is heart breaking an painfully he looks away from me, a heart beaking expression that cannot sway me like it used to when I hurt him, but I will not be swayed. "Haruka must be alive somewhere, I'm going to look for him, and i will find him, and I don't care if you don't help me, I wont stop until I find him." Michio didn't say another word, he took me in his arms and gave me a squeeze, hesitating he looked at me, shiny eyes, dark though, and he walked out the door. Saga stood there just staring at me, and finally he said almost hesitating to though with an unsure expression and a soft voice the kind he used when he told me Nana was dating Haruka, "I thought that too once," my heart was hoping he might share my thoughts, "You did?" He nodded, but then i saw the tears swelling up and he turned away from me I knew I couldnt count on him, "I didn't want to tell you this, but they found part his jacket 50 miles away from Kyuushou, the same one he wore that day, it was in shreds, almost like some animal ate at it, and there was a lot of blood, I don't know why, but Charlotte" I was motionless, staring at him learning this new information and then it hit me, that golden cube I thought it was sand, but it wasn't heavy at all, and now I knew why, the jacket was inside, "no matter how much you search, he wont return to us, you need to let that illusion go, Princess before you get lost in the underworld." He leaned down to me and, gave me a kiss on the cheek I was still motionless from this revelation and left the apartment during that time, but my feet were still tired in that wave of shock I felt the pressure unwind and hit the floor hard, so hard my face slammed into the coffe tables glass and shattered the corner, it dug into hand which instinctively rose to protect me in the fall.
As I felt the warmth of the blood run to the wooden floor, leaving me with a gut wrenching feeling,my eye caught a look of a picture on the wall I felt as if nothing could bind me to this earth anymore. I lost that thing that kept me alive all those years ago on Venice beach before the blood in my mouth swelled into the sandy water, it had a name, but i forget those small details, my eye was still distracted by that thing on the wall, a beautiful sparkle, almost like a star beside me, I was looking at it, but the star didn't seem to blind me, my Saturn I knew it then, even though Saga just crushed my hope, yes that's what it's called, that he was still alive, "I'm coming for you, wait for me there."
Last night I lost my voice in the middle of "underworld" I looked out into the crowd blurs, dotted blurs no faces, and the flashing lights the followed, my eyes leading to a big screen across the crowd Tomo walking over to me, Seiko talking to Erin a worried look on their faces, before Tomo could put his hand on my shoulder he said something, maybe my name, I'm not very sure. I lost my mind, and stormed out of the Arena, I must have ran past the cars and the crowds because when Shou caught me I was covered in rain already, I pulled away from him, and his words that I couldn't hear, i didn't want to hear them. Coursing through me was a cosntant feeling of longing, that verse set me off... "there's so many things I want to give you but I can't do that anymore." It rang inside my head, and I kept running, that verse from the old house lingering inside my head, 'run away....runaway," I hit the station now, and stomach is in knots, my feet hurt from al the walking, from the running, but still, I can't see to stop, and I'm wandering down the street soaked to the bone, not caring if anyone is noticing me in this rain, I don't know if they are looking for me or not, but I don't care, I won't go back there, how can I? Explain what? What they must be thinking, "she was bound to crack any day now" I just refuse to accept that he's dead, they never found him, no, they never did. He must be out there still among the wreckage, maybe in a clinic in a small town? maybe his body drifted towards korea near one of the smaller japanese islands? It's possible!
Somehow, I make my way back to my apartment, I stare at the door, and I can almost feel him with me, waiting for him to punch in the code and slide the door open as he often did, and I am reminded he wont do that anymore, so I do it instead. I don't bother kicking off my shoes, I go straight for the living area, but mom is there along with Michio and Saga who comes over and removes my jacket in exchange for his, "What happened to you?" is the first thing out of Michio's mouth, he's obviously livit and Saga's expression matches his a little but it's gentler still as he adjusts his jacket on me and scans my face for an answer, as he says "Where did you go? Seiko covered for you, but her voice isn't yours, why are you all wet, didn't you see the rain?" but I'm not listening to them I glaze over Saga's concerns selfishly and grab Michio's shoulders, compelled almost to whisper the words, "I don't think he's dead, I don't think he's really dead." He stares into me, but I avoid his eyes and focus on his skin, until I can't help but look into them, his honest brown eyes, and his expression is frozen, but I see it, the fading sparkle in them sorrowful. I'm not convinced by that, I try to pull away, but he holds on to me with his hands on my wrists. "Charlotte, you have accept the things as they are, after months of combing the area they have not found him, only partial remains have been found of other victims in that surrounding area, partial, my dear," I shoke my head immidiately unmoved, "They never found a bit of him at all though, that could mean something," Saga was beside me then, his hand on my shoulder, "Princess, it broke my heart too, all of ours, you aren't suffering alone, and we thought about that too, but if someone found him they would recognize him, don't you think?" He had tears in eyes, and it hurt me to remind him, because he lost his brother too, and I felt all of his pain because it was mine, because it's still mine as well. I wasn't moved though, No, I wasn't thinking about that,my mom had just come back from the twins' room, I looked at her, almost hoping she might share some hope with me, "Maybe they hadn't recognized him at all, right mom? Maybe he's out there, waiting for us to find him, or finding his way back here," I looked at her hopefully, but she immideately bursts out in tears and turns away. I shake my head, but this frustrates Michio and he shakes me by my shoulders in frustration, "Snap out of it Charlote, you're talking nonsense, you're tired, you should take a break from your activies for a while, I'm suspending them all, get out of the city, and take your time to properly grieve." I can only scoff at this though, "tired? You don't think I'm tired, you think I'm crazy, don't you?" his expression is heart breaking an painfully he looks away from me, a heart beaking expression that cannot sway me like it used to when I hurt him, but I will not be swayed. "Haruka must be alive somewhere, I'm going to look for him, and i will find him, and I don't care if you don't help me, I wont stop until I find him." Michio didn't say another word, he took me in his arms and gave me a squeeze, hesitating he looked at me, shiny eyes, dark though, and he walked out the door. Saga stood there just staring at me, and finally he said almost hesitating to though with an unsure expression and a soft voice the kind he used when he told me Nana was dating Haruka, "I thought that too once," my heart was hoping he might share my thoughts, "You did?" He nodded, but then i saw the tears swelling up and he turned away from me I knew I couldnt count on him, "I didn't want to tell you this, but they found part his jacket 50 miles away from Kyuushou, the same one he wore that day, it was in shreds, almost like some animal ate at it, and there was a lot of blood, I don't know why, but Charlotte" I was motionless, staring at him learning this new information and then it hit me, that golden cube I thought it was sand, but it wasn't heavy at all, and now I knew why, the jacket was inside, "no matter how much you search, he wont return to us, you need to let that illusion go, Princess before you get lost in the underworld." He leaned down to me and, gave me a kiss on the cheek I was still motionless from this revelation and left the apartment during that time, but my feet were still tired in that wave of shock I felt the pressure unwind and hit the floor hard, so hard my face slammed into the coffe tables glass and shattered the corner, it dug into hand which instinctively rose to protect me in the fall.
As I felt the warmth of the blood run to the wooden floor, leaving me with a gut wrenching feeling,my eye caught a look of a picture on the wall I felt as if nothing could bind me to this earth anymore. I lost that thing that kept me alive all those years ago on Venice beach before the blood in my mouth swelled into the sandy water, it had a name, but i forget those small details, my eye was still distracted by that thing on the wall, a beautiful sparkle, almost like a star beside me, I was looking at it, but the star didn't seem to blind me, my Saturn I knew it then, even though Saga just crushed my hope, yes that's what it's called, that he was still alive, "I'm coming for you, wait for me there."
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