// "Until I see you again..."

Growing, I noticed the feeling was different. Arising from the east, the great blue curtain began to rise, between the smoke and the darkness the murmuring of the voices came into focus,  several things mixing inside of them, like the raging wind on a field, the force unbroken by anything just being carried on long grass and reeds. It was completely appropriate, after all this was a long time coming, my soul was here, bounded to the place where i found it for the first time in my life, the air was heavy, and the intensity of the microphone as I waited for my cue. I looked over at Seiko and then to Tomo before the curtain reach half-mast, the same look i have probably, like my wish came true, I closed my eyes and began to sing.

This is the last song Charlotte write for Haruka, after Shou leaves her she decides that life is better being by herself, and living her life for Haruka and her sake, Zestubou Nation rejoins after their one night reunion was one of the biggest shows a stadium had scene, fans demanding them return, they decided to grace the stage and release three more albums. This is the last album, it's called "The Gift of the Black Hole." Meaning their gift since they will break up the band indefinitely afterwards and they all continued their solo projects, Charlotte would continue her career and continue to manage her artists as well, It wasn't a choice i wanted to make, but if I didn't, I would never have been able to take charge of my life again, I'm already 40, I knew somehow that the things inside my heart would become my prison, but Haruka would want me to live again, I guess for the first time I realized the true meaning of those words, it took Zetsubou's love life to make me realize that, even though I know they had a terrible childhood because of me I always tried to be best for them, when I wasn't going crazy that is, and they said that they've forgiven me, but I still haven't forgiven myself. So many things i want to give them, and Layla, I really hope she will be fine with Shou, until the court meeting I can't claim all of her rights, but she's told me she wants to stay with Shou, either way, I want some rights to her, I wonder why she hates me.   The Concert continued my thoughts ordaining my mind pausing we shared a little of ourselves with our loyal fans, Tomo told them of his partnerdship with Laura, and their child Amelia, whom he named after Amelia Earhart, Seiko promoted her latest band, Shikagu Mistake, Erin thanked the fans and announced that he was asked to teach music at a universtiy which he accepted, Satorou thanked everybody for coming and even though he was a support member he felt their love as well, he always had lots of fangirls but he never wanted to become an official member because of his real band 'Yams for Sale" which was really popular int he Indie scene. Usagi also spoke with us, she thanked everyone and informed of her current designer line which was being launched that winter, it was already in many Visual Kei stores to please enjoy it. I shared with them, a piece of my soul, I never talked about it with them, I felt like they deserved an explination. I took my microphone and walked out to the edge of the stage, flashing lights and cheering, twinkle of cell phones all over the stadium, I felt loved, like these were my children as well, I didn't know them yet they accepted me so well. "I didn't think anyone would still remember us, and we're so old too," I laughed and so did everyone at my silly joke, "I remember when I was in Los Angeles a few years ago, and I was still in a bad place, nothing really mattered to me when it came to singing again, I thought it was a curse really, because if I hadn't been a songstress, then maybe things would have turned out differently, that's what I kept thinking all these years, I regretted the best parts of my life, and saw the blessings as curses, I lived in a hell where he didn't exist, and I'm sorry if I put any of you through pain in my selfish decision to stop making music."  I heard a response from the crowd, various "it's okay," "We understand," "no need to apologize," "Apology accepted" "we miss him too," "I love you Chara," "Don't worry Chara," "Things are going to be okay!!" "Zombie Nation Love!!" Various replies to my odious explanation, I bowed to them and thanked them, "When Seiko asked me if I was willing to sing again, I really doubted it, but after finally checking my fanmail that piled up over the years, I'm really glad I only got a few death threats, I honestly thought there would be more, so thank you for that as well," Everyone laughed in some sort of way, "I want to thank you all for that, because it is for you that I returned, in all my life there was a saying that Haruka used to say me that I've never forgotten, he used to say, "You can be anything in the world you want to be, a chef, a writer, an actor, a pilot, a fireman, a clerk, but you can't deny who you are inside you were meant to be a vocalist, so stop running from it, and just accept your fate." I know now what his true meaning was, and I can't hide from that anymore, even though after tonight we will no longer be a band, we will always be a family, and I will continue to make music, if you'll have me." A silence type of applause then happened, as if they saw through my heart and understood me to the very core, I bowed again and Seiko came up and hugged me, and then Tomo, before we knew it Erin came in as well, Usagi and Satorou clapped, we continued then and played one of our first hits, "Cry of the Unicorn!"  It was a rough melody Tomo trashing on the bass as Seiko shredded her guitar wailing and my voice came in soft, vocalizing, Erins drums were fast and brusk, the symbols banging
"A Redeemer, screaming ashes of a forgotten face at night, oh be forgiven
Bleeds, bleeds, bleeds, do you want to live forver?
Screams screams, Do you want to scream forever?
Bleeds Bleeds, Wanna know why, the unicorn cries so beautiful

Larara~~ Larararara~~
Distorded my vision of the upper lights, flashing first
my eyes have died,
Scream scream.. do you wanna drink from my neck?
See see do you wanna taste my poisoned kiss?
Scream scream Trick me again, the unicorn cries so beautiful

Scream scream scream....
Wanna know why, the unicorn cries so beautiful~~~


It was an oldie and the fans loved it, jumping and cheering I shot them my signature move on stage as Seiko's guitar screamed and Erin's drum hit it's last mark.  Tomo did a solo and his bass as the lights lowered, the crowd cheered and we  headed backstage for a Vitalwater and a towel, Seiko and Usagi followed me, Zetsubou and Adagio were there, just came from the veiwing box and gave me a hug. "Mom, I can't believe how cool you are!" Zetsubou picked me up and swung me, "Woah, i'm old i'm old!" he put me down and Adagion signed  to me, "very very cool momma!" I signed back to him, "thank you precious" he hugged me, Michio came over as well, "You have three songs left for your encore, and you haven't written them down on the set list, is this... a surprise or something?" he looked nervous, but as I looked over at Saga, I realized that Shou was also there, he was smiling at Seiko, just then as Seiko got up and over to me, my eyes locked with Shou's he looked earnestly at me, he stood up, but in my nature I turned around and headed back to the stage, I nearly fell over because someone grabbed my arm and pulled me back, I recovered my balance and looked behind me, it was Zestubou, "Mom, don't run away please,"  I couldn't help it, my head was shaking, "I don't want to do this here," Shou was next to me now, "Charlotte, please." we were already divorced, what more could he want? I looked back at everyone, all eyes on me, why does it always have to be me, I nodded, Zestubou let me go and I followed Shou to the dressing room, "Everyone get out," a few staff members were there and left ina hurry, he shut the door behind me, I leaned against the bulb lighted mirror, "The crowd is cheering for an encore, and this couldn't wait?" I snapped, but he remained calm. "If you didn't want me to come, why did you leave me this?" he showed me the ticket, I was a little surprised, "I didn't think you'd find it." I was actually hoping he never did, when I gave him the divorce papers I slipped it in there, but since he got it, it means that he signed them. "You can be so sweet when you want to be." my heart was yearning then, I didn't want to hear those words from him, I was in danger. "I can be alot of things Shou, remember? I can selfish, and deluded, and crazy, and-" he suddenly came towards me, before I knew it his lips were pressing against mine, my anger subsided, and I felt my heart not beating rapidly, but it was calm, like the smell of my room in the house I grew up in, that instant comfort and love, Shou...why do you have to feel like home to me? I wanted to push him away, but he wrapped his arms around me, wrapping his tounge around mine, I was lost in Shou. Finally he pulled away, and pressed his nose against mine. This...it couldn't be. "You can break hearts so easily, and you need to take responsibility for mine, you have been my whole Charlotte, and I've never expected anything from you, I'm sorry for what I put you through, but you hurt me as well, so much I never thought I could recover from it, so I looked at the divorce papers, I was overcome in a type of, limbo, I didn't know what to feel, and then, your ticket slipped out. I got to thinking, why did you put this here? If you never wanted to see me gain, why did you invite me to see you here? It could have been a regular ticket,  but it wasn't, why do you do the things you do Charlotte?" He took my head in his hands and I gazed into his brown eyes, they were searching for something in mine, so subtlely they moved as if tracing every line inside of mine, I was in danger, I look away and shut my eyes, and then...there it was. He let me go.
He headed towards the door then, and looked back to me. "I'm always going want you Charlotte, no matter you do to me, no matter what I say, no matter where I go, you're always on my mind. I feel something for you, I can't even put into words, if it suffices, then you must know, I ardently love you, I don't mind being second best, if you need me, you know where I am." I couldn't take my eyes off of him, he stared at me for a full minute, his eyes...sollen, and lonely, he pulled away from my tearing face, and opened the door, walked out, and it shut behind him slowly as i watched him walk away, he put his right hand to his face and quickly pulled it away, then it shut, making a noise that startled me. I leaned against the mirror, the bulbs burning me, flinching away, the door came open again, i jerked my head awa from the crying woman and Seiko came inside, 'It's Charls, we have to do this, have you thought of the songs yet?" I stared at her and collected myself, I fixed my hair int he mirror and wiped my tears away, breathing too deeply I  nodded. "Yeah," my voice shaking. "I got them," I walked out of the door with her and we made our way back to the curtain, there the rest of the band was waiting, and the anxious crowd was screaming in unison "En-co-re~!!" over the sounds of the cheering I told them the three songs were were closing with, upon hearing the title of the last one, they looked worriedly at eachother then at me. "What?" they seemed to say in unison. "Is it going to be a problem?" I asked half smiling, tears still flowing, I wuickly wiped them away and they broke out into a smile, "Well, let's rock this bitch," Tomo shot a wink at Seiko who nodded smilling, "Let's do it~!" Erin let out, ruffling my hair. The lights were lit and Usagi went out first followed by Seiko, Erin, Tomo, Satorou and finally I walked out, waving at everyone, I didn't even change like the other members, but I knew what I wanted to do. The first song was one i wrote for Zestubou and Adagio when they were kids, it was soft, and fun, it set the mood, I looked over to the vip box and saw them looking at me, I shot at them, and they chuckled giving me a headbangers salute.  smiling i finsihed the song, the feeling still strong in my chest the second song was a loversoul song, one that Tomo loved when we played it and it was the most highly rated lvoersoul cover from the encore tours, I looked over to the curtain, and there was  Michio, tears in his eyes, because of the meaning of this song, smiling, he nodded over at me, and i bowed to him, a little teary eyed, I ended the song holding out the last note. The crowd was moved and some people I saw were crying at well. I looked out to the crowd, where was he? I couldn't see him. I looked over to the curtains, the vip box, where were you? Satorou's keys were like a harmonica leading into the break,Seiko followed with the quick yet gentle water like flow to the bass,  and then my voice that's when I spotted him in the 4rth row, right infront of the stage, as if it was just us, I sang to him. "At this moment, it was painful to breathe," The crowd reacting with gasps and screams this song, they knew its history " even if I search in the mirror I can't feel my own existence with certainty" he stared at me, smiling mesmerized ;I sang this song to him, unable to break way, " With sadness along my cheek, I look up, out of the window ,in the night sky, there are stars that can't shine alone." he walked out of the crowd then, and got into an isle, towards the exit, "Shou!" suddenly I called out, he stopped where he was, "I was unable to notice. Even the sound of my own heart It just has to become someone else's rhythm, and stay there without changing" He looked back to me and I walked to the edge of the stage where he stood I looked down at him, but he shook his head, tears in his eyes and  began to walk away "I was searching for the meaning of living, the light seemed to fade," It happened then, I jumped off the stage and the crowd reached out for me, but I was on an empty isle, I walked towards Shou then, and grabbed his arm, he stopped, realizing I was there "But I don't forget the warmth of your hand, that I had ascertained" he looked at me, as if thinking I wasn't there, mouthing "Is this real?" I nodded as the tears blurred my vision of him and everything around my voice still strong,surprising me,"The night of shedding tears passed, in the midst of that, I opened my hand," I took his hand in mine. " I can fly, if I close my eyes... if the two of us could wish for that" Incredibly, he smiled, the words of the song he wrote for me, touching me, and  my voice still not breaking, I bravely faced Shou, pouring out the love i still felt for him in this melody, I let the microphone then, creating a huge thudding noise, without thinking, and disregarding anything happening around us, I took his face in my hands and kiss him, I kissed him with everything i had, and I felt the passion in his tender mouth, my named was written there, all over there. My heart then beating crazily assured me of something I had always doubted, that this is love. In everyway, in every thing I am, and anything I ever was, I recognized it, Shou, you are my life. Suddenly he pulled away and picked up the microphone, he continued the song, taking my hand , " The overlapping Pleiades that can't shine alone, I'll smile with you here again, without changing." we walked towards the exit, I looked back at Seiko, and Tomo, Erin, and realized that Zestubou and Adagio were there, Michio, Saga, and Layla, and they were singing it, "so sweet pain...be as one, forever&ever" The crowd was cheering, and as I looked back at my smiling husband, I remembered everything we went through to get here, and something shined and bothered my eyes, but we were in the darkness at the back of the stadium now, in front of the door, I blew a kiss to the crowd, he let the microphone drop, opened the door. I was lost inside his smile, in that moment I thought of the words Haruka told me after he left Los Angeles, "I've met you once, so even if I die, I will know you in the next life."  That was true for him, and it was true for Shou now, I can't love them both with my heart at half mast, but I knew now that, it didn't matter, because even if my love for Haruka would be eternal, my love for Shou would also be, it was the same amount, not less, but Shou was here now, to ignore his heart, would be to ruin  my own.

 Haruka, I will see you again, but for now, I will grant your wish, and be happy on my terms, and I chose Shou. With that in mind, I followed him out the door a feeling in my mouth, like a smile was about to break out the distant sound of a melody that talked about the rare thing called Happiness.


Epilogue.

(Yes the third song was played, Chara returned after a few mins with Shou they sang the first song they wrote together, in Koreatown, that run down apartment complex, the fan in the window on a summer night where they expressed their hopes and dreams for the future, the song about not letting your past define you, and not being afraid to search for a reason to be happy in the world. Chara let the memories of her first love stay in her life and together Shou and her family celebrated Harukas life and the legacy he left behind, never forgetting his memory but also living a new chapter in their life where Shou and Chara continue their own story with love and understanding and patience, they remain together for their lives raising their kids and seeing them have families of their own. 

Chara writes a book about her life and experiences, she adds chapters she finds in Harukas Laptops, his diaries that detail the same experiences from his point of view. A telling of two of the most Influential musicians who crossed oceans to reach each others dreams. A fitting life, Chara publishes these stories years after the ending of the books, keeping her life and music separated, continuing to sing still into her later years and together with Shou but Zetsubou Nation never reunited again.)

"Hey Haru.... do you remember that time by the sea? Do you remember the day we came here, to this place, the place where we came from, and would return to when our time was done? Did you find it? The thing you've been looking for?"

I met you that day, I lost my mind, I found my heart, and I could breathe again, calmly.

 I was never a fan of what people call 'soul mates.'
In fact, I never believed the concept had any standing in the real world. It's a fantasy that people tell each other, like there really is one person curated for our every wish and want and need. I think we have a say in this world, not a soul mate, but a person, tangible and grounded, and on that ground we find that ours is even, not a mound or a hole around us, and we can walk together on that path. The souls we seek are like this, on the same path, and they are our chosen family. I think that's a stronger bond, family, I haven't had the best relationships with my own kin, but my friends and him ...I think I chose them as my family.

I wasn't used to the type of attention Masake bestowed upon me, I wondered if it was my voice, people seemed to be captivated by it, I'm grateful for that, but is that what he was after? Perhaps it was my body that attracted him to me, I am on the heavier side of a medium in America, here I am considered fat. Emile wants to put me on a diet, I've just been fasting. Does he mind it? Either way, he came after me, like a wolf hunting a rabbit.

These days I have time to myself before we begin training for the tour. and with the deposit into my bank account now becoming a consistent thing every five days, I've been shopping a lot, but I return to my hotel room knowing I cant legally rent here. I like being where management cant just show up, hiding like this is peaceful for me, until I hear that ringing from my phone.

It was the drugs, it was easy....and got easier everyday, I lost our baby and he rewarded me with abuse. Like my father, I found peace in the violence and thought this is what I deserve.

It wasn't like it used to be, the charm was gone and I saw another person waking next to me. "Did I do something wrong?" I would ask, he'd just sigh and tell me that "you wouldn't understand what I'm going through," I would ask and he's just tell me the same thing. He was only kind when we were high, I was doing a photoshoot that day, I haven't seen my band mates in over two weeks, around the end of May, but here, I felt like I returned from a bad vacation, and in the middle of takes, I asked them for advice. 

"Dump his ass," Seiko sighed, her pink and blonde hair up in a messy bun with extensions falling over her corseted dress. "If he's not making you happy and you can't get it out of him, it's not worth the trouble figuring out why he's icing you out, it's toxic." Tomo posed behind me in a pirate rococo attire. We were going for a French revolution vampire troupe vibe for the shoot; he chimed in. "Whatever it is, if he's just ignoring you, he's either cheating or phasing you out." Seiko nodded, "if Saga did that to me I'd chuck his ass so quick, what are you saving here by staying? Is it love? It doesn't sound like love to me my friend, you deserve better." But I didn't want better, "I just want to know what happened."

I'll Keep them still.

He was drinking again, the bruises on my face clearing up, he caresses my face and cries.
"I didn't wanna do any of that," I nod and cry still, We're a mess here, I thought Paris would be different, that ring flashed before my eyes and I thought that I could be something better than I currently am, I thought I would have the happy ending I so envied every girl that ever crossed my path as a teenager. I don't see it though a silver lining, I only wished that those things they told me were realities, that I truly in my heart knew that I was worth more than this. I don't.
I remain here, in the sadness of my broken uterus and my broken nose, I only want him to kiss me, and tell me to forgive him, but he just keeps drinking and snorting that junk and caressing my face and putting his seed inside me, sometimes I'm not awake.
I am broken in ways that I never knew possible.
I'm sterile.
I'm loved by a madman.
I felt like happiness was close to me, I turn and see darkness, I want to run away from this, but I still love him. He passes out next to me, I crawl out of bed, his seed crawling down my legs.
I'm cold and feeling the bruises on my body from his roughness.
This isn't the man I wanted to marry, how long have I lost track of him?
I walk out to the veranda on the lyre made bench, My phone still in my hand, I don't know why really, I dialed one number.
"You're really calling me?"
"I really am," his voice was calming instantly.
"You know how I feel, why would you call me right now? You just got engaged."
"Help me, please, I don't know who else to ask."
"What?! what are you talking about!?"
He was alarmed instantly, "My nose is broken, I'm scared of leaving, I'm scared if he catches me."
"I'm coming."
And he did, Two days later there he was, at the door, livid, with Saga beside him, and Seiko, they all pretty much attacked him, Masa was drugged out of his mind, just got done with me, I was in the kitchen floor, like I'm used to being, broken, and alone.
I cried as I saw the commotion, and Seiko face in mine full of tears.
I laughed a little, it hurt with my jaw hurting really bad now, I don't know if its broken, I'll have to see a doctor though.
She got me up and asked me something, I don't remember my ears were ringing, so much noise though. I could be gasping and hitting, flesh on flesh and words and profanity and my name.
It was chaos, hotel security came, the police came, and his agent came.
I wasn't in the right state of mind and I fainted soon after. I later leaned at the hospital where they kept me for a few days that because of the state I was in, they had arrested Masake.
Keiji tried to keep it under wraps, but a paparazzi that tracked us, couldn't get into the building followed everything. Of course, it was spun, and an unknown black male broke into our apartment and assaulted me and Masake, they left our Haruka and Saga and Seiko, and me, the real me.
I  awoke fully conscious on the third day, Haruka singing a song holding my hand, I made out his face a banage on his right hand and stitches on my temple. I tried to talk but like that day Seiko found me I couldn't. "He choked you, you screamed, it pressured out your vocal chords, youll be fine, but don't force it." I nodded and tried to whisper, it hurt.
"Where?" "Paris General, private though, Emily knows, and Michio, I didn't tell anyone else."
"Seiko?Saga?"
"Back to Tokyo, I'm here, I'm just sorry I didn't get here sooner," he reached for my throat, placing his good hand, it was warm, I placed my hand over his, caressing him with my cheek.
"You came for me."
"I came for you," We both smiled and cried, and laughed at it.
This was us. This was always us, divorced and broken engagements and love lost and constant love.
Us.
"I'm done pretending that I'm okay with you and Nana, I'm done trying to make it work with Masake, I'm done being some other person."
"Why do you think I'm here?"
"You were always here,"
"Yeah, can I kiss you?"
I nodded, small smile formed on my lips as he kissed them, passionately, gently, Haruka never gave me half of anything, always his everything. I'm fool, how did I ever think I could top this? I'm sorry Nana, I'm taking him back, you'll just have to hate me. I don't care anymore, this is what I need.

//Frigid

I haven't thought it through all the way, the way I'm going to see him every day on tour and pretend that we're still together.
It hasn't come out yet, and I hold his hand at press releases, still in love, and pathetic, when he kisses my cheek I yearn for a deeper kiss, and yeah I know its fake, but it feel so familiar and good and I want him to tell me he still wants me, for real though. If only it was real, the second we're behind the press door his hand drops and he slicks his hair back. He never says anything, just keeps his cool, because he can. I look at him, and cry as he walks away, and back to his dressing room.
I walk to mine and cry some more, and sometimes Tomo is there, though mostly I'm alone. Seiko sends flowers every day, and I'm fighting back the urge to beg him to take me back, how pathetic. Chara, the siren, thrown aside by the guitar samurai just another foreigner that learned her place.
But its still there, the pain.
and I want to reach for him everyday, smiling, and pretending.
"its almost over you know," Tomo strokes my head as I lead on him on the bus. I cry silently and nod my head. my head just wants to escape into a drug induced world like that night in Paris, where everything was a blur, where I could leave my body and give everything to him, and he wanted me. He wanted everything from me, There's something wrong with me, I snap at myself, I cry harder now, I cant help it, it leaves my throat in a painful groan that I cant help but try to silence and I sound like a dying animal, he flashes into my mind every time I close my eyes. Blinking helps until I realize that my heart is screaming, because he's going to me holding me the way Tomo is now, in just  afew hours the charade will continue. "I'm dying" I manage to squeak out.
Tomo holds my hand and gives it a squeeze. He starts singing to me a lullaby in Japanese and I manage to fall asleep, giving me a break from the tears, I drift into the white and fall into a dream.
I'm telling Masake to let me go, its like an old Hollywood movie, I'm on my knees and he's holding me telling me to get up, but I can't. "Why can't you just let me go?" I scream at him, but he's looking at me in tears, "just love me, all you gotta do is love me." I can't believe it, I want to get him off of me, out of my apartment, I'm pushing him now, and he holds me harder, "Penny Dove,"
I wake up as the car comes to a stop, "Here?" I moan out, my voice still a little affected from the crying. "here, " Tomo, pulls me up and we meet Seiko at the front of the bus, she scans my face and gives me a small hug. "We're almost done you know, just three more of these, maybe two,"
"why maybe?" I'm curious though, I have a headache from the stress and I pull my jacket on from the front cabin exit hanger. "It might rain at the Dome, they don't know, but if it rains we're not doing the gig, Seiko is pretty sick still." Seiko nods and pulls up her medical mask, that makes her look like a skeleton from the nose down, I laugh a little but agree, "You will survive Seiko, but I would rather not play the last show, I'm very spent as it is," Seiko nods, "Tekai.com says you're on drugs," We all laugh, "if only that were true." Tomo ads, we laugh and I cry a little remembering what is the true cause.
"Hey now," Seiko pats my head, "We're almost done, put your game face on and go do that interview, talk about the foundation that we're helping and in fact don't cuddle up with Masake this time, how that there's a distance now, its almost over I bet he'll do the same thing." We walk out of the bus as it comes to a complete stop and march out towards the back entrance of the venue. "Rayshuu Disco?" I read the name in the back service door. "
The day proceeded as it always does. We rehearse like we always do, We have dinner inside the venue, the winners of the meet and greet come to get their merchandise and signatures pictures and testimony videos for the website and we tell them we will make them proud. The foundation interview is next, I ask Mikiru to do a very smokey eye, Seiko suggests a black clip ins to make me look more darker, "I agree. I want to look like I'm going insane" They both Laugh and Seiko puts some in her hair as well, " We in this together yo!" after make up I put on a an outfit that is more suited for Seiko, but this is me trying to be stronger, so I rock it the way she would, that crossed walking chains and leather all over my body, these heels are bothering me, but the guns at the bottom make me look very gangster, so I try to embody this person, Chara, of ZeNa.
"Woah, you look smoking hot," The interviewer is a woman, thankfully, so I take the compliment and do a twirl. "Thanks, Ayumi, its good to see you again," I turn to Masake, whose jaw is hanging open for a split second and he pulls me in, but I stop him from pulling me too far in, and he gives me a kiss on the cheek," I look at him, and yes, I fight back a tear and smile, hysterical, I climb within my insecurities and declare them to be armor. I pull away and continue the interview as if it's a casual conversation with my mother. It's  awkward and I cant tell her all the details, and though I recall the way she would ask about who I was dating, I simply shrug and tell her "I don't know if he's my boyfriend yet,"
It's a little strange, but when the interview is over, I know, that this is over, me and Masake. It was never going to work, and yet I kept clinging onto a hope that it would.
I want to return to three months ago, when I started thinking the things I feel inside my heart today. Can you hear it? The ringing of the bell in my heart?
As I get into the elevator to leave the building, he enters as it closes, I look at him fully, unafraid and daring. "You could have taken the next one," I say coyly, I am resentful now, I wasn't expecting that.
He looks at me, worried, an expression I've seen before, the first time he called out to me.
"It's her isn't it, the girl I first laid eyes on,"
he tries to touch me but I draw backwards the elevator stopping on the 4rd floor throw my balance and his, we return to earth. "No, this is just who I've always been,"
He smiles the doors open, nothing. We look back at the reflection of the doors as they close, metallic and gray, just like our relationship now. I whisper in that way I talk, but he can make it out, "I wish I never did this, whatever happened, happened, and I cant erase it, but I deserve better too, not just you." He scoffs a bit and looks down, a smirk, but I can tell hes tearing up, because I know those buttons and how to push them, "Chara, if only you knew, you knew everything."
"I know enough, and I know that that wasn't what you wanted, and its okay, it's already happened, and you seem to be very happy with Sayu, and I get it. I'm getting off this elevator, and I'm not looking back, and that is all. Okay?"
He looks away and says nothing, unlike him, but it's what has to be done. I get off immediately as the door open, afraid I'm not strong enough, this was the last day I had to do publicity, tomorrow will circulate that we've become distant, and in a month we'll be publically broken up, some excuse or other, but the real reason, remains. I wasn't enough for him, too foreign, too weird, whatever it is, its over now.


December, A change.

The train ride home was everything to me, Tomo's birthday in a private cart full of beer, and fried chicken and candy from Australia that Emily just happened to bring in her traveling kit. I know she cares a lot for Tomo, I wonder if she's in love with him, but then again I recall that Emily is just the best, this is so typical of her not everything has to be sexualized Chara! I grab my phone in a drunken state and call Haruka. I'm feeling a longing for him, like I did that first night he came to see me in Paris. Its not the smartest thing to do, but I miss him, and I feel complete when he's with me. I curl up into a single seat in the back at the band is singing old Japanese legends anthems in the front, Seiko leading them, he picks up.
"Mars, you're calling me first? You drunk?"
"Yesssss!!!!" I giggle hysterically, it's obvious.
"What on earth, are you at least back in Tokyo?"
"Nope nope nope nooooope! Haru.....Saturn....I wanna kiss you " I start to black out  a bit, I recall kissing the phone and talking about something that happened back in Los Angeles, but I don't remember, I just remember what he says, "Yeah,....and how was that? You better not wake up on the floor....can you count for me though?.....Are you still awake?...Chara....Chara...." It's like a rhythmic chant inside my head, his voice is soothing and it's love to me, and I know that I should've agreed to run away with him that day on the pier, but I was scared, and I wanted to slight him, the way he did to me with Nana. I begin to dream about him, I feel the pull of it, the darkness that connects us both now in a never ending gasm of solitude. We waited here for each other, and now we found our truths. I found a string attached to my left rib, index it, like it came from a hot warm thing inside my chest, it pulled me closer to Haruka and when I pulled away it hurt. I could see it hurt him too, I knew it was always there. That connection, the love, the depth of it scares me, because its unreal, just how much this love means to me. I find myself back inside my body, and the rummaging of the images inside my head, nestle and being to take shape before my eyes. "Seiko?"
She pulls me off the floor and leads me back to the daybed I lay down as she tells me we're almost there. "Remember Tomo's first birthday we celebrated?" Laughing I did, still drunk , "The Halloween party, how would I forget, you dressed up like an angels and I was a demon, I'd never worn red contacts before," She smiled and took a selfie of us to post on her blog.
"You looked so good you know, but that's who you are, this fierceness inside you that can't be contained."
"Seiko," I took her hand and squeezed it, "Why are you always giving such amazing peps talks? I feel like youre my number one fan and I don't deserve it," Seiko laughed and slapped my head, "Bitch, you my best friend, and I know that the voices in your head get to you, My gramma was like that, I know sometimes you wanna tell them theyre wrong but you can't, So I gotta tell you, and I'm okay with that because look where we are." She hinted out the window and I saw the lights of Tokyo in the distance, the city was marvelous and the buildings around and the forest all speeding past us.
"Los Angeles was where we came from, we are now one of the top bands in this City, we're looking at a life we never knew we could have."
"Do you ever get nervous like, it will all end tomorrow?"
She shook her head calmly, "I just don't see that happening, Maybe if we were like Julians band remember, they had one hit and that was it, but we've done so much already, and I want to keep going, don't you?"
I thought about it then, how this would never be over, and in that moment I agreed with her. When your life has been spent living on the kitchen floor holding your guts inside you body, waiting for the next blow it's hard to believe it wont come. Maybe when it does itll come down so hard I wont see coming. That will be the day I know I'll never get up from that floor.

// I love you. And email from Shou to Chara.

I wanted to tell you this in the way that would make you understand me. I know what it means and I am not prepared for it. But if I keep it to myself I'm never going to move forward, and I need to know how you feel about me.
You know how I feel about you, I love you.
If you asked me why, these are the reasons.
I just do. I want to. I don't want to. I have to . it makes me feel like I'm walking on air, it makes me feel like I'm walking through fire. I burn in there, that love, it makes me question  if I'm awake, alive, sane, sentient...my heartbeat races when I know you're thinking about me too.  fight how I feel, I've been trying, I've been trying to kill my emotions, but it's impossible. It would be easier if I didn't feel like this, but the more time passes by and the more you ignore me the more I realize my feelings grow stronger.
I tried to find reasons to forget you, to tell you I hate you, but I love you, to the point where I will find a way to get back to you. I don't care about anything else, which is stupid, this has turned me stupid. So I need to know, what you feel for me.
Its so painful for me to love someone and then realize that those feelings were never going to be returned to me. I am willing to compromise if you are, because  I want you, I just need to know if you're in this with me. What do you think about me? What do you feel when you think about me? Does your heart race when you see I'm texting you? Mine does. Do you love me?
I need to know. Don't lie to me, please.

I want you to feel it.
I feel it, I am not ashamed of it, I love how you make me feel.
I just, need to know where I stand for you.  

// The only one I love.

It was before I found out Masake hit Chara, before he cheated on her with Sakah, before I rejected her offer to have an affair to get back at Masake, before Chiharu hit her so hard I caught her in my arms, before I said goodbye to her at the airport, before I saw those fiery eyes on the veranda of Tomo's brothers home. It was on that warm chilly night that I found her on the warm waters edge, blood on her face, on her hands, and kinks in her body as I carried her towards the ambulance as they strapped her into the gurney. It was on that night that I felt a warmth inside my heart when  I held her, like a feeling, electric and chilling that I confused with fear of holding  a dead person, it wasnt that, I realized it on that night that Chara came to me after Masake hit her, that I realized that my heart reacts towards this side of her more than anything else I've ever known, I just want to protect her fom it, from the entire world. I made love to her that night until she slipped into a deep sleep, and I didnt want her to leave me in the end, I would love her more than anyone else ever could, and my heart hurt so badly when she returned to him and even got engaged to him. I can't just be her friend, I refuse to, and I have told her this but she just stared at me and said, "I dont want to repeat my past mistakes, mistakes that would break me entirely if I committed them again." I took it to mean that if we ever split again, she wouldn't be able to handle it, I wonder how I can show her that she can trust me again, that I would erase this rouse I have with Chiharu, that I will never let anyone touch her again if thats what she wants, I would leave everything if she wanted it, I'm that committed to her, that I wont play games with her the way Masake does to control her.

I want to prove this to her, but the time is never right, today I passed her in the confrence hall, her glasses on, looking back at me as I passed and never looking back. The same the next day, and after, and then that tuesday it happened. I was in my apartment finishing a composition outline when the news was blowing up my fanspace hat box,. Eversince my colabiration with   ZeNa were portrayed as best friends band, and we used to be, well the other guys still are im the odd one out, but I got a bunch of comments about Chara's breakin goff engagement with Masake, , how she ruined their relationship, and what my thoughts were about this, others said that masake was marryoing Sakah that she was pregnant, when I heard that from Yumi of hotri magazine I knew it was right.  Masake told me he was looking forward to having the little girl that Chara lost in the hos[ital,  I dont know the specifics of their problems, but i think that was at the base. After the news hit Chara dropped from public view, Masake however was happily parading with Sakah, smuggly glowing, all his comments were never about Chara, but about his and Sakah's happiness, and the fans loved it, Chara got all the atacks, rumors of her not letting Masake go, getting in their way, it was pitiful. That's when I wanted to go to he,r but like clockwork Saga stopped me, telling me to give her space, so I did, but i wouldnt give Masake the same respect, I got into a brawl with him that my manager had to bribe to keep under wraps, cut my left temple, but it was worth it.

I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to escape to a place where none of it is real, back to that beach in San Fransisco where I asked Chara to be mine. I had always just had her on my mind.

The reasoning of Chara.

Things calm, things are over, things are through and you admit to yourself "I did everything I could", but you haven't and you wont and yet you wonder why. You stare at that phone wondering when a buzz or a ring will happen, and when it does you die of disappointment because its not him.

Spam.
I have mixed emotions, and in a sense  know that I always have these emotions so feeling is close to living now, and my days are filled with nothing but advertising, promotion, interviews and guest spot here there, everywhere.  I should care more, but I only have Haruka on my mind.

 
Seiko asks me if I'm okay and knowing that I'm not I tell her I am. She doesn't buy it, the furrow in her brow shoots at me like an arrow and she asks me more things I don't really want to answer. "Is it because of a certain ex-boyfriend, turned living legend composer, or are you just hungry?" "Is it because of what happened at the party, and if so was it because your current boyfriend caught you holding hands with said ex-boyfriend who will remain unnamed for obvious reasons, or is it that you're thinking of the food? The aioli on those paninis was immaculate though I don't blame you." She gets me to smile, Im thankful and sigh.

"I don't even know what's so special about him anyways? I think he's a few Grammys away from being  living legend." The car makes a sharp turn and I choke on my seatbelt a little, , “he's got the sense of humor of a lab rat that's dying of acid poisoning that also has been charred by the flares of the sun.”

 I try to understand her logic but it's all just making me laugh and then I get it, “it's working the making me feel better  part. Thanks Seiko,” I know he's being stupid, but I can't just...forget him. I havent forgotten him. “ I want to be with him so much that  I don't know what to do if he's not mine." Seiko laughs hits my arm Hard. I start crying and ask her why, she grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me as she tells me. "If he's the one you want go get him, if he says no, tell him too effing bad, 'cause he's the one, now he's gotta take responsibility for being the one!" she gestured at my entire being with her wide eyes and her hand flailing from my head to my knees, I couldnt help but laugh, Seiko has the strangest looks on her face when she's intense, like now, she looks like she's deadlifting.

 The elevator doors open and she pushes me back and I can feel another body catch me as I slip. Before I have time to question this surprise attack in despair, I look up, elated, to see the arms that catch me, it's him.
He shoots Seiko a glare and demands what the deal is, she turns away and down the hall she calls back.

 "This is between you two losers, I'm outta here, you're welcome." She winks at me as she disappears around a corner and I'm frozen and unable to move. 

 I can feel the warm pressure on my body as Haruka holds me me, and greets me with a simple “Hey” he starts to pull away forgetting the moment, but I don't let him with a “hey”, suddenly I can move again and I'm pressing him closer to my body, he looks at me with what I interpret as sadness, is what happened at the beach affecting him as well? I want to know; “you called me last night then hung up, what was that about?” He asks me coyly as he reaches over me and presses the elevator door to some floor.

I look down to the floor, admiring his xxx boots and answer, “I wasn’t sure how to say what I wanted to say, and now you got me right in front of you,” I sigh he sighs and grins at me. It lights my body up to see it. 
"Why are you so dead set on me?" He suddenly asks letting my body go and holding my right hand he puts it up to his cheek and turns his head to kiss my palms.
"You expect me to answer that as you try to pry me off ?"
He grins a bit, "I just want to know what you take me for, I ask you to marry me and you move out,I ask you to make a move on me and you leave for the night because you suddenly have the urge to record? Chara, either you want me or you don't, which is it, because your actions and your words are not adding up." My grip tightened, I'm tired of running. "I want you," I let him go and did something I've only seen Seiko do to Saga, but it works everytime. I jumped on him and immediately he caught me. Flailing a little bit he staggered but he held me as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I pressed my face against his and breathed in those rice flowers that he always smells like, that scent is home to me, he is home to me. "I love you, I want you, I don't know anything else that I'm certain about in life. But I know that I want you to be with me while I figure everything else out."

That was it. He kissed me and held me tightly to him, I wasn't scared anymore something inside me was lifted, the weight and the pain of rejection the worries of what may come; gone.

Melted away by his declaration of love and mine as well. It was this simple all this time? 

I'm glad I didn't cower behind an excuse or my anxiety. "I want this to last as long as forever can be, I've been wanting you to say it, because I have my heart set on you, I always have." He sets me down and hugs me again. "I feel the exact same way, I was just..." "scared?" I nod and bury my face in his jacket. "You don't have to be scared anymore, not about this anyway, whatever you need to feel alright, just tell me, I'll give you everything." His lips pressed my forehead and we got to the recording room. Together....again.

I remember that night clung to me like a warm blanket on my heart, it cultivated my artistry on the next record, closer to hyper pop than our usual tunes, but when I think of the way you say my name when we’re talking, it’s crisp and cool, like I just bit into an apple in the morning and sweet to m ears like the honeyed juice on my lips. The way your hair brushes over me when you hold me, like velvet in the snowy mornings on the beach we made our own. That silly way you hold my hand when we walk together, who said you could be that tall anyways? You never mind it, I want to capture you in the only form that I was ever good at, my words.

I didnt plan to spend the whole week re-recording some of my parts, I would call Seiko at 2am asking her to join me and she always did. Intrigued with the new sound I was asking of her to match the songs I had written, I still wasn’t good with composition but she understood what I wanted and even made some rifts and harmonies that would support my vocals that were nothing like what we had recorded before. Around the third day she finally asked me, handing her a coffee as she was finishing the last song of our new demos. “So, this whole new vibe you have, I love it, but is it because…you finally landed on Saturn?”

I couldn’t hide it anymore, “It’s my own colony now,” I replied back with a smile, she laughed out loud and followed up with a knee slap, “More like Saturn colonized you, this line right here,’ she pointed at the song sheet for ‘gravity’ one of our new songs and Read my lyrics back to me, “Connected, Long casting, Absorbed and reshaped by your gravity, with stars that oscillate the black holes around them, you tear and retake me, im willing just tear me apart with our gravity.’ Just what kind of love of the craft is that if not your undying love to Haru?” Embarrassed all of a sudden, was I making it too forward? I buried my face in my hands and sat down next to her on the couch. “Is it too much?” I wondered now, but I laughed suddenly. “I’m not changing it even if it is!” I declared, she pats my head and I look but to that devilish grin she always gives me, “Good, its about time you were proud of your feelings, I gotta ask though, are you both secret science freaks? I noticed both of you are like really into space, is there a particular reason, you never really talk about it with us,” she suddenly got serious look on her face, almost concerning, maybe it was that I didnt share my other interest with her, maybe she felt left out. I told her of my childhood, how I could run out my window into the roof to avoid my father, how I always felt like I didnt belong here, that I was a star somewhere, just suspended in one place, it wasn’t until I didn’t see stars so much in the city I would go to the observatory a lot or the pier. I loved space, and Haruka was majoring in it when he rejected his acceptance to state, it’s a little passion of ours, but I never thought how much of it I would associate it with him in my music. “I named him Saturn for a reason, and he named me Mars, he said something about my eyes glowing red the first time he met me, did you ever notice that?” She laughed, “my eyes are literally purple under these,” she pointed at her contacts, “but I never seen your eyes red, hmm…maybe its something only your soulmate can see or something,” she laughed, the comment warmed my heart, “ I don’t know about soulmate, but I hope that he’s my binary, its when stars are soulmates, they cling onto each others gravity, unable to let go, creating one single point of light for us here, but when they dance, they twinkle.”