//Nights of Light

I think it's October now, not that I'm confused on months or anything, of course not, my days aren't blurring together at all, not like they used to.Those autopilot days seemed so surreal, and now I feel a tangibility, grounded, profound within myself. I feel real.
Is that believable? I hope so, I need to sound sane for a change, and for a change I also need to stop looking at my phone on the way to the studio. The company car comes, I get in, sometimes I see Seiko, sometimes Tomo, sometimes  Erin, or even Mika. I never see Masake.
Paris is a blur, a dream almost.
Though I regret leaving, I promised myself that I would never allow another man to use my body as a punching bag, that is absolute. I should have made that vow when I i left home the night I can never escape, no mater how long its been, I should have learned from that, love doesn’t injure beyond repair and survive.

Masake high and angry, and I don't want to live that way ever again, I want more than that, and now that I think about it, it hurts me more, his eyes, my head against the wall, the cracking sound of bones. The worst you can see of someone you loved. It's passed now, I feel lighter from all that weight, and lying to myself, I'm done.

I'm on the floor of the elevator with my hands over my head when I hear him, "Mars?"
I look up to those beautiful eyes that even now make me feel secure. I don't hesitate I throw myself into his arms and Haruka accepts me. The only arms that made me feel safe, I can't stop the crying and somewhere in between all of that I'm at his studio room asking him why my life is such as a mess.
"I  just want....I just want to wake up from this nightmare I'm having, every bit of it, and when I was in Paris I wasn't myself, I was disgusted with the person I became, and the person I loved...why can't I have someone that just wants happiness like I do?"
Haruka patted my head and sighed, "How bad was it?"
"Bad, like I was being strangled."
"He strangled you? "
"The first time, I thought it was the drugs, but then ....it always was."
I told him about the raves, the underground parties, the private sessions, this other world i was suddenly a part of, the substances I indulged in. The deepening of my sadness, after my miscarriage I stopped caring what harm was being done to my body. It was Masake’s hands on my body, sweet or violent, I thought it was something I had to endure because I couldn’t keep a baby in my body.

Then about Sayu, how she was there the whole time, and how it seemed like he was tormenting me on purpose. He couldn't believe it, he muttered something under his breath and took his phone out, with his good hand he started texting something, then looked up at me. “I’m sorry, I just…Saga mentioned something about her coming out of your apartment where we went to get you here this morning, him and Seiko were getting all your things, well the things you need like passport, phone, some clothes…is there anything else we need to get?”

 I kept rubbing the spot on my head where I was pushed against the wall  and recalled what made Masake so angry.

“She would come by when I was high, passed out, i couldn’t move, and I could hear them there…in our bed.”

His face fell in his hands again, the disbelief in his eyes, and the pain as I realized what was happening this whole time. Thinking the whole time Masake loved me, saying it out loud, I really was just being used. It awakened a new pain inside me I was holding back, I couldn’t stop the weeping that came soon after…

Because I knew the catalyst…
"I lost it again,...the one thing he wanted from me more than myself."
"Chara, the things we have are things we can lose, and whatever happened in Paris, I will never judge you for any of that.” he embraced me there, passers by gawking, who cares. I felt the warth of his security, and like I could finally just rest. Looking to see those beautiful eyes, the ones I recall on beach someplace. 

“Will you stay with me, through it all? The circus that’s coming? Is that okay with you? Is it a lot to ask?" He held me closer and breathed. 
"You called, and I came, and Im not leaving, ever again.”
his words were comforting and opened my eyes, there came that moment, and a sincerity in him, but no, we agreed to be friends again, and I can't read too much into this, but I want to, and so I rest my head on his chest, he doesn't reject me, and I somehow feel at ease and fall into a slumber, when I wake up he's there, right there, just looking at me.
"Sorry, how long was I out?" We were at his place, I don't recall any of it, the last of the detox must've been in my system. 
"Not sure, I fell asleep after you did; woke up a few minutes ago."
I was another person, in another life, if I had him still, we'd be in our own house, with children, maybe, married, and this would be a regular occurrence.
I want him to kiss me, and to tell me he made a mistake when he left me, and that he's thought about only me all these years, but I'm so greedy, I recall Masake's words. "Just what do you want me to do for you that I haven't already and that doesn't come close to the image you have of me?"
I pushed away from Haruka, but as I was getting up to leave he pulls me back, and I fall back into his arms because I didn't expect it, and despite the slush I take in the morning to wean the remainder of the drugs out, I'm still very weak. and here he was me, and he takes my hands and kisses it. "You will always have my heart, my body, and my soul, and I want to love you, if you will let me, even if you don't I still love you Charlotte, I always have, always will, always."
I kiss him as reply, and it began again, the spring inside my heart, and it felt so real, and I loved him all this time, it felt like I've unshackled my heart, and I melted, and he kissed me so sweet and so soft.  His kisses remained kisses, because he understands my body, and knows that it isn't so easy for me to move forward like this, so he stopped and asked me to give him a proper answer. I took a ring from my finger and placed it in his hand. "I am yours, and you are mine, and that is that is everything Ive ever wanted."

// Hajimete.

When it came to Masake, it was like a lightning bolt, the attraction I felt towards him was instant, and not just because I'd seen him in billboards and listened to his music many times before. It was because when I saw that he wanted me, I knew I wanted him too.
I want to forget every little detail about him.
But it's hard to do something your instincts tell you don't make any sense, until you recall him, and...her. The staircase always brings trouble, I want to avoid them at all costs, I don't care if I get a million flashes to my face and bump into people and things. I don't want to live shady, not like that.
I came back to the hotel today, I bought some clothes and groceries, a million flashes in my face since I took the subway today, by midday everyone knew where I was. I was meeting the band for kareoke today, and also Haruka.
He divroced Nana a week ago, but he's been in Hawaii getting the paperwork worked over. It would have been simpler if they married in Japan, but Nana is born in the US, he is born in Japan, they married to please her father, her major investor as his company runs the major artists. Nana...I miss her, there really is few people i can call friends, and she was, was, one of those people. I sigh as the access key from my hand slides on the panel by the elevator,  I sigh again as the gravity of the day hit me, I begin to think how far I've come to get to this very point. "You really can't ever feel my presence can't you?" Haruka's voice sent a jolt through my spine and made me drop my groceries, however he's a black belt and managed to catch them, however Ii was more focused on his disguise. The glasses and hot pink wig, he looked like a hide cosplayer, even that jacket. "Oh is today...may 4rth?" he nodded and kissed me, luckily the elevator was empty and I lived on the 13rth floor.  I felt my heart racing, so was his, he was so close I could notice that detail. "Haruka!" I breathe but he's been in Hawaii and hasn't touched me in a long time. I remember this side of him and I want to give it into but "Can't wait" he breathed, this made me laugh. "let's get into the room at least?" as if on cue the elevator doors opened on 13rh, room #109, slide the card again, open, close, shoes, groceries, bags, and Haruka takes me to the room. But as he is over me he just looks at me. "What is it?" I finally ask , he seems in wonder, but...something else. "Do you want me?" he finally says.
embarrassed I look away, "I don't know what you mean" Trying to avoid the question, I don't like to talk like this...ever. "Don't play unknowable, I know you know you what I am feeling, and I want to know...if you feel it as well." as he said this he gets closer his mouth on my ear, his head pressing lightly against mine, and there is a heat that follows it. "Do I have to be so poignant?" He chuckles. "I have just been thinking, I always initiate it, because I want you, because I love you, because you are my shinning light, my star, my mars, if I could describe everything you are to me, I'm sure you'd let me, that is why I want you, I just want to know...if it's gonna be L.A."
I think about now...like  L.A. sleeping together....rarely kissing, not sleeping together, lie at his apartment after Paris, I had gotten used to having sex with someone that you love. I wasn't familiar with that concept until Masake, Haruka...."What do you want from me?" I asked then, my voice breaking, It tore at me, this inquisition, and he saw it, tried to retort. "I  want the whole package, the singer, the poet, the girl with the stars in her eyes, the planet that can cause my gravitation to succumb, but I want to know...if you want this from me as well." I didn't know how to say it, but... maybe I could. I had to move quickly, because he's bigger than me, I slipped out of his grip and embraced him. " saying things inside of my heart, in real life..its different from a song." I got emotional , but he kissed my forehead and proceeded" Is it  easier to sing it, then? by all means."
and that put me at ease, and I did.  I slipped off that bright pink wig and tossed his dark brown hair twirling the bit of bleached platinum strands that got caught in my grasp. "You are the most unbelievable inventory of memories that in the life I've ever had, you have the most saddest and prettiest story that in my life I've ever seen, I want to walk through the star filled skies, in which you first confessed to me, I want to wear that ring you gave me the moment you realized that you wanted to start a life alongside me, it really hurt me when you left me, and then I hurt you when we met again, but now I know that I cannot breathe, without your eyes, without your soul, without your tender heart, I've dreamed you all these nights, I try to hold on but I'm scared...."
"I wont disappear," I kiss him then, and he never let me go.
That night it was something like a beginning. Hajimete, we started something,and when I woke up that ring was on my finger, the same one and I wondered just how he got it, I never noticed it but in the morning light, I can see it, the chain around his neck, the rings, they looked familiar, one I noticed instantly, it was the matching set to the one on my ring finger the others, I couldn't place. it was hot, and hotter beneath the sheets, this must have stirred him because he arose and reached for me, but when he couldn't feel me he jumped up, and searched but my eyes locked on his startled ones, I stretched over and climbed on him, this made him really happy, he held me tightly and let out a breath of relief. "I thought you'd gone, I thought....I couldn't feel you," this sincerity Haruka has, I kissed him, "I love you, my only soul." he had a brimming grin and placed his head on my shoulder, just like he would, and I felt loved, he spoke under his breath. "I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, ....Chara...my Mars....I love you, I love you..." I stroked his hair, this was real. All of this, the morning light burned my shoulder , but his heat was more inciting than anything and his words melted me, because of how honest he was with me, he didn't need to put on a mask, this type of sincerity, and openness, Only you. I took the lead his time, and it seems that I've put his heart at ease, I don't care what anyone says, I'm tired of having nothing, and here what I've wanted most in my life is right here in my arms.
We traveled to Sapporo that night, and met with everyone, we happened to walk into the room just as Shou and Mika. We greeted them quite happily though Shou was a bit shocked, and of course he woud be, he didn't know. "You met at the lobby?" He asked after a greeting hug to Haru, he chuckled, "something like that," I thought they would bring up songs or work, but no, I forgot they were on hiatus because of Shous Acting and Haru;s side band, one I am actually a guest at currently until he gains the courage to sing his own songs. "I love your jacket," Mika gave me a hug, he coyly smiled and whispered to me "it's Haruka's isn't it?" I gave her a slightly nod, he put her hand on my shoulder and congratulated me. I was too embrassed for this, and so into the room we went. It was a thing we do often but this would be different, "Just like L.A." I sighed. Haruka pulled me close , a bit amused. "it's different from L.A. you know why?"
I took his hands in mine, the size was evident, "because we're in Japan?" He shook his head.
"Because you're wearing that ring, you're mine kid, and I'm yours, savvy?"

I pulled him in and he leaned down to kiss me, the door opened Seiko popped her head out. "Get in losers, we're trying to set up  Monopoly over here!"Not even phased because she knew. That night, it was like L.A. but he was right, it was different, because I had something I haven't had ever, security. Secure in how he felt about me, in the fact that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me regardless of what happens in the future and the fact that he has plans for a future with me, I wonder...have I ever loved anyone this much? Halfway through my turn he placed his arm around me, the only person that seemed bothered was Shou, he asked me later that night why I went back to Haruka. I was offended. "Why would you have a problem with that?" He brought up Masake and Haruka being friends, "I don't want to hear this, don't let Haruka know we had this conversation,he'll be pissed." He tried to make amends but I didn't have time to deal with Shou's feelings for me. I don't know how to let him know that I will never choose him, I gathered my things and