// I love you. And email from Shou to Chara.

I wanted to tell you this in the way that would make you understand me. I know what it means and I am not prepared for it. But if I keep it to myself I'm never going to move forward, and I need to know how you feel about me.
You know how I feel about you, I love you.
If you asked me why, these are the reasons.
I just do. I want to. I don't want to. I have to . it makes me feel like I'm walking on air, it makes me feel like I'm walking through fire. I burn in there, that love, it makes me question  if I'm awake, alive, sane, sentient...my heartbeat races when I know you're thinking about me too.  fight how I feel, I've been trying, I've been trying to kill my emotions, but it's impossible. It would be easier if I didn't feel like this, but the more time passes by and the more you ignore me the more I realize my feelings grow stronger.
I tried to find reasons to forget you, to tell you I hate you, but I love you, to the point where I will find a way to get back to you. I don't care about anything else, which is stupid, this has turned me stupid. So I need to know, what you feel for me.
Its so painful for me to love someone and then realize that those feelings were never going to be returned to me. I am willing to compromise if you are, because  I want you, I just need to know if you're in this with me. What do you think about me? What do you feel when you think about me? Does your heart race when you see I'm texting you? Mine does. Do you love me?
I need to know. Don't lie to me, please.

I want you to feel it.
I feel it, I am not ashamed of it, I love how you make me feel.
I just, need to know where I stand for you.  

// The only one I love.

It was before I found out Masake hit Chara, before he cheated on her with Sakah, before I rejected her offer to have an affair to get back at Masake, before Chiharu hit her so hard I caught her in my arms, before I said goodbye to her at the airport, before I saw those fiery eyes on the veranda of Tomo's brothers home. It was on that warm chilly night that I found her on the warm waters edge, blood on her face, on her hands, and kinks in her body as I carried her towards the ambulance as they strapped her into the gurney. It was on that night that I felt a warmth inside my heart when  I held her, like a feeling, electric and chilling that I confused with fear of holding  a dead person, it wasnt that, I realized it on that night that Chara came to me after Masake hit her, that I realized that my heart reacts towards this side of her more than anything else I've ever known, I just want to protect her fom it, from the entire world. I made love to her that night until she slipped into a deep sleep, and I didnt want her to leave me in the end, I would love her more than anyone else ever could, and my heart hurt so badly when she returned to him and even got engaged to him. I can't just be her friend, I refuse to, and I have told her this but she just stared at me and said, "I dont want to repeat my past mistakes, mistakes that would break me entirely if I committed them again." I took it to mean that if we ever split again, she wouldn't be able to handle it, I wonder how I can show her that she can trust me again, that I would erase this rouse I have with Chiharu, that I will never let anyone touch her again if thats what she wants, I would leave everything if she wanted it, I'm that committed to her, that I wont play games with her the way Masake does to control her.

I want to prove this to her, but the time is never right, today I passed her in the confrence hall, her glasses on, looking back at me as I passed and never looking back. The same the next day, and after, and then that tuesday it happened. I was in my apartment finishing a composition outline when the news was blowing up my fanspace hat box,. Eversince my colabiration with   ZeNa were portrayed as best friends band, and we used to be, well the other guys still are im the odd one out, but I got a bunch of comments about Chara's breakin goff engagement with Masake, , how she ruined their relationship, and what my thoughts were about this, others said that masake was marryoing Sakah that she was pregnant, when I heard that from Yumi of hotri magazine I knew it was right.  Masake told me he was looking forward to having the little girl that Chara lost in the hos[ital,  I dont know the specifics of their problems, but i think that was at the base. After the news hit Chara dropped from public view, Masake however was happily parading with Sakah, smuggly glowing, all his comments were never about Chara, but about his and Sakah's happiness, and the fans loved it, Chara got all the atacks, rumors of her not letting Masake go, getting in their way, it was pitiful. That's when I wanted to go to he,r but like clockwork Saga stopped me, telling me to give her space, so I did, but i wouldnt give Masake the same respect, I got into a brawl with him that my manager had to bribe to keep under wraps, cut my left temple, but it was worth it.

I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to escape to a place where none of it is real, back to that beach in San Fransisco where I asked Chara to be mine. I had always just had her on my mind.

The reasoning of Chara.

Things calm, things are over, things are through and you admit to yourself "I did everything I could", but you haven't and you wont and yet you wonder why. You stare at that phone wondering when a buzz or a ring will happen, and when it does you die of disappointment because its not him.

Spam.
I have mixed emotions, and in a sense  know that I always have these emotions so feeling is close to living now, and my days are filled with nothing but advertising, promotion, interviews and guest spot here there, everywhere.  I should care more, but I only have Haruka on my mind.

 
Seiko asks me if I'm okay and knowing that I'm not I tell her I am. She doesn't buy it, the furrow in her brow shoots at me like an arrow and she asks me more things I don't really want to answer. "Is it because of a certain ex-boyfriend, turned living legend composer, or are you just hungry?" "Is it because of what happened at the party, and if so was it because your current boyfriend caught you holding hands with said ex-boyfriend who will remain unnamed for obvious reasons, or is it that you're thinking of the food? The aioli on those paninis was immaculate though I don't blame you." She gets me to smile, Im thankful and sigh.

"I don't even know what's so special about him anyways? I think he's a few Grammys away from being  living legend." The car makes a sharp turn and I choke on my seatbelt a little, , “he's got the sense of humor of a lab rat that's dying of acid poisoning that also has been charred by the flares of the sun.”

 I try to understand her logic but it's all just making me laugh and then I get it, “it's working the making me feel better  part. Thanks Seiko,” I know he's being stupid, but I can't just...forget him. I havent forgotten him. “ I want to be with him so much that  I don't know what to do if he's not mine." Seiko laughs hits my arm Hard. I start crying and ask her why, she grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me as she tells me. "If he's the one you want go get him, if he says no, tell him too effing bad, 'cause he's the one, now he's gotta take responsibility for being the one!" she gestured at my entire being with her wide eyes and her hand flailing from my head to my knees, I couldnt help but laugh, Seiko has the strangest looks on her face when she's intense, like now, she looks like she's deadlifting.

 The elevator doors open and she pushes me back and I can feel another body catch me as I slip. Before I have time to question this surprise attack in despair, I look up, elated, to see the arms that catch me, it's him.
He shoots Seiko a glare and demands what the deal is, she turns away and down the hall she calls back.

 "This is between you two losers, I'm outta here, you're welcome." She winks at me as she disappears around a corner and I'm frozen and unable to move. 

 I can feel the warm pressure on my body as Haruka holds me me, and greets me with a simple “Hey” he starts to pull away forgetting the moment, but I don't let him with a “hey”, suddenly I can move again and I'm pressing him closer to my body, he looks at me with what I interpret as sadness, is what happened at the beach affecting him as well? I want to know; “you called me last night then hung up, what was that about?” He asks me coyly as he reaches over me and presses the elevator door to some floor.

I look down to the floor, admiring his xxx boots and answer, “I wasn’t sure how to say what I wanted to say, and now you got me right in front of you,” I sigh he sighs and grins at me. It lights my body up to see it. 
"Why are you so dead set on me?" He suddenly asks letting my body go and holding my right hand he puts it up to his cheek and turns his head to kiss my palms.
"You expect me to answer that as you try to pry me off ?"
He grins a bit, "I just want to know what you take me for, I ask you to marry me and you move out,I ask you to make a move on me and you leave for the night because you suddenly have the urge to record? Chara, either you want me or you don't, which is it, because your actions and your words are not adding up." My grip tightened, I'm tired of running. "I want you," I let him go and did something I've only seen Seiko do to Saga, but it works everytime. I jumped on him and immediately he caught me. Flailing a little bit he staggered but he held me as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I pressed my face against his and breathed in those rice flowers that he always smells like, that scent is home to me, he is home to me. "I love you, I want you, I don't know anything else that I'm certain about in life. But I know that I want you to be with me while I figure everything else out."

That was it. He kissed me and held me tightly to him, I wasn't scared anymore something inside me was lifted, the weight and the pain of rejection the worries of what may come; gone.

Melted away by his declaration of love and mine as well. It was this simple all this time? 

I'm glad I didn't cower behind an excuse or my anxiety. "I want this to last as long as forever can be, I've been wanting you to say it, because I have my heart set on you, I always have." He sets me down and hugs me again. "I feel the exact same way, I was just..." "scared?" I nod and bury my face in his jacket. "You don't have to be scared anymore, not about this anyway, whatever you need to feel alright, just tell me, I'll give you everything." His lips pressed my forehead and we got to the recording room. Together....again.

I remember that night clung to me like a warm blanket on my heart, it cultivated my artistry on the next record, closer to hyper pop than our usual tunes, but when I think of the way you say my name when we’re talking, it’s crisp and cool, like I just bit into an apple in the morning and sweet to m ears like the honeyed juice on my lips. The way your hair brushes over me when you hold me, like velvet in the snowy mornings on the beach we made our own. That silly way you hold my hand when we walk together, who said you could be that tall anyways? You never mind it, I want to capture you in the only form that I was ever good at, my words.

I didnt plan to spend the whole week re-recording some of my parts, I would call Seiko at 2am asking her to join me and she always did. Intrigued with the new sound I was asking of her to match the songs I had written, I still wasn’t good with composition but she understood what I wanted and even made some rifts and harmonies that would support my vocals that were nothing like what we had recorded before. Around the third day she finally asked me, handing her a coffee as she was finishing the last song of our new demos. “So, this whole new vibe you have, I love it, but is it because…you finally landed on Saturn?”

I couldn’t hide it anymore, “It’s my own colony now,” I replied back with a smile, she laughed out loud and followed up with a knee slap, “More like Saturn colonized you, this line right here,’ she pointed at the song sheet for ‘gravity’ one of our new songs and Read my lyrics back to me, “Connected, Long casting, Absorbed and reshaped by your gravity, with stars that oscillate the black holes around them, you tear and retake me, im willing just tear me apart with our gravity.’ Just what kind of love of the craft is that if not your undying love to Haru?” Embarrassed all of a sudden, was I making it too forward? I buried my face in my hands and sat down next to her on the couch. “Is it too much?” I wondered now, but I laughed suddenly. “I’m not changing it even if it is!” I declared, she pats my head and I look but to that devilish grin she always gives me, “Good, its about time you were proud of your feelings, I gotta ask though, are you both secret science freaks? I noticed both of you are like really into space, is there a particular reason, you never really talk about it with us,” she suddenly got serious look on her face, almost concerning, maybe it was that I didnt share my other interest with her, maybe she felt left out. I told her of my childhood, how I could run out my window into the roof to avoid my father, how I always felt like I didnt belong here, that I was a star somewhere, just suspended in one place, it wasn’t until I didn’t see stars so much in the city I would go to the observatory a lot or the pier. I loved space, and Haruka was majoring in it when he rejected his acceptance to state, it’s a little passion of ours, but I never thought how much of it I would associate it with him in my music. “I named him Saturn for a reason, and he named me Mars, he said something about my eyes glowing red the first time he met me, did you ever notice that?” She laughed, “my eyes are literally purple under these,” she pointed at her contacts, “but I never seen your eyes red, hmm…maybe its something only your soulmate can see or something,” she laughed, the comment warmed my heart, “ I don’t know about soulmate, but I hope that he’s my binary, its when stars are soulmates, they cling onto each others gravity, unable to let go, creating one single point of light for us here, but when they dance, they twinkle.”