// something about us...

The first time I felt like breaking all the rules was then, when I saw your eyes across from me, on the other-side of the fire. Remember Shou's birthday? We all went to Hokkaido, Nana was there, but she never knew what happened that night did she?
It's been tension ever since the Ready? tour, hesitating, I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my life, but I couldn't contain it anymore, either could you. Seiko was playing knockers, that drinking game with the rest of the guys, Nana left early, she had something to do in the morning. I smiled at her half-halfheartedly, she asked me if I was sick, and denying it, I hid it behind a stupid joke. Something about you changed too, when you saw me behind you,you lead me me out of the hotel's deck, onto the beach, the sand beneath us, I remembered it, and I think you did too.
Where not even the moon got in our way, you held me close to you. The salty dust was in my hair, and in your words, my heart was beating like it hasn't in a very long time, and those secrets I swore to keep, became a common language between us.
You held me closely, and whispered into my ear, I remember the sentiment tickled my heart, "I might not be the right one, it might not be the right time, but there's something about us, I got to do, some kind of secret I will share with you," his eyes were sincere, yes, could see them. We were beneath the dock, where no one could see us, no wandering pedestrian or sneaking photographer, or friends of ours, "I need you more than anything in my life," your words melted on me as they rolled off your tounge, and I felt you stroke my hair and search for something in my eyes, "I want you more than anything in my life". The night was chilly, but wrapped up under his suede brown jacket, I didn't feel the goosebumps anymore, and I nuzzled his chin, interlocked our hands, and stared at each other as if for the first time. I knew I couldn't do anything but want Haruka, anymore than to touch him would be a crime, I don't think I'm ready to live that way. His lips brushed against mine, never touching completely, his words wrapped me up in a world, where the clouds were made of spun sugar, and the waters were painted soft shades," I love you more than anyone in my life," he hesitated for a minute hen caressed my cheek with his. The emerald in his eyes, how dazzling it did look under that light, the faint moonlight, I wonder what my face looked like to him, the years I spent with him, again, rushed into my head, and as I drew closer onto him, I wrapped my arms around him not wanting to let go, and unexpectedly, he embraced me tighter as well, it was obvious then, he too had the same feeling, and aware of the trip wires around us that could expose, and kill this secret that we share. I remember when we headed back too, after pressing ourselves together, yet never touching, how I longed for you that night, and my heart thought it would stop when I said goodbye to you and as you smiled at me so tenderly, I whispered to myself, "I'll miss you more than anything in my life," I shut the door behind me, and there was an emptiness again,t he gravity of the real world, and it seemed so alien. The time was 10:32 pm, I should be sleeping, because we're leaving at 5am, but...there's something about us, something that kept me up that night, staring at the sea through my window, recalling that secret you shared with me, "I love you more than anyone in my life."

The next morning, I woke up with a headache, I couldn't shake it off all morning, and hit my head on the bathroom door frame as well, which didn't make trying to focus on what Emily was bablings abou in the van any easier. "You have a meeting with Takuro at 11, then you will go out to lunch, at 5p.m. we will come back to venue until then you have free time. Charlotte what's wrong with you you're not even listening," and I wasn't I was staring at something tasty Seiko was eating she was listening to music on her phone, and Tomo was sleeping on the window next to her, Daiku and Sessie both listened attentively to Emily and turned back to stare at me when she mentioned my name. I didn't like this attention so I just admitted that I had a headache. "Headache? We're you drinking last night?" I shook my head, "No, just complex things in my head, too much lyrics writing, it's all this industries fault, pressuring my creative instincts I can't turn them off," laughter filled the van as we approached the airport, I didn't bring much so it was easy packing my bag and throwing it in the back of the van. The airport at Hokkaido was filled with people, more than usual, Tomo wrote in his blog that he was eating nice seafood and then posted a picture of the hotel's lobby, naturally, it was well known so by the time my alarm rang the place was crawling with fans and mosquittos. It was our fault, we wanted to celebrate far away and then they caughup, luckily Glorious Jane left a day before us. As we checked our luggage and handed our plane tickers to the attendant, I thought about Haruka, about our close encounter, and how rapidly my heart beated even now when I recalled the warming sensation it brought to me. I felt like melting all over again, there on the runway as I walked into the plane. I leaned against Tomo who held me instinctively, he rubbed my shoulder as he flicked cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, "We're almost home pretty girl, hang in there." Oh right, I had a headache. I do not actually know where the head ache came from, I'm lying, truth is that when the guys left Haruka didn't come to see me, he only sent me a message. "Until I see the goddess of the red planet, I shall suffer in the cold, until I touch the goddess of the fire planet, I shall burn inside the dark, return to me dear Mars, and I shall return to you."
It left me a little confused, there is no goddess of Mars, only a god.
Return to me, and I shall return to you?
Love me, and i will love you in return?
It drove me crazy, so much it must've given me this damn headache. Finally, on the plane ride back, Seiko sat next to me, putting away her headphones, she gave me her full attention and appoligized, but she needed her Luna Sea this morning. I smiled at her and unloaded everything that was on my mind as soon as she asked if there was anything new.
Seiko wasn't at all shocked though, she chuckled and exclaimed proudly, "Oh my sweet boy is in love with you Charls, I knew this would happen, I just knew it." I couldn't help the next part, love and airplanes? I thought about Taka, his affection, was I ready to allow someone else to see me that bare, that naked? My heart felt like it was coiling up in the back of a deep cave, no wanting to repeat this, I shook my heart and whispered to Seiko as the pain stinged my eyes. "No, Seiko, I... I'm not ready for disaster to be so easily at reached to me, not again, I don't want to go through this," I clutched at my chest,"again," Seiko's face grew sad, empathetic, and she took my hand. "I have known three things about Haruka since I met him, one, he lives on air and music, he hates stepping on bugs, and he has had only one love in his life, that is you Chara. I understand how you are feeling, but please, try to understand him. He is not someone who can throw a person away easily, this thing you are afraid of, he cannot be able to do such a thing. Even now he is with Nana, but he will have to explain to her how in love with you he is. Otherwise, how would he be able to ask you properly to go back with him?"
Then it clicked sudenly, the message, the fear.
Haruka knew exactly what he wanted, return to me, and i will return to you.
Forget Taka, and I will forget Nana, and then we can be together.
I wanted to jump out of the plane the feeling was so confusing, a part of me wanting to cling desperately to the remains of the thing called love i still felt for Taka, the other part wanted to call Haruka and tell him that I wanted to be with him, and the other it felt a bit of hypocrisy and guilt, guilt because I had agreed to go with Nana someplace and minutes later I was longing for he boyfriend by the sea shore. I fell inlove with a disaster of myself and in doing so i lost my true heart. I was at a loss and decided I would not see Haruka until I figured out the complex things inside of me. Lucky for me we were so busy all day I had no time to time about Haruka, when I met with Takuro for lunch he told me that he scheduled an interview for us later that evening, we headed to the radio station and caried it out there, afterwards, we needed to listen to the final copy of the "Atataka Loneliness, Why?" single. It was Seiko's son and the lyrics were fun to sing, but I had felt a little sad, it spoke about a sadness in the soul, and the way beliving in yourself can cure it, but in the end the pain was too great and the warmth of a smile could not reach the coldness of the heart.
I wondered then, would haruka be able to reach my heart?
I wanted to be with him on the beach because of my memories, because only he knew this part of me. Did I want him in my life forever?
I was at a loss and when I got back to my own bed, I bit my tounge.
The blood filled my mouth and I rubbed it against my teeth, creating an even more painful numbness. I listened to Loversoul as I let sleep take me, and the headache faintly went away in the darkness.

Image Collages of Characters

Background info on the characters.

I got these pictures all from google, so various sites, I do not own any of them

and This is NOT FOR FANFIC WORK, I just base my characters

off real life people. If you want fanfic, you won't find it here :/ 

// Losing my sight

"I miss you" I whispered to wind, I took the ring off my finger and dropped it into the water below me, surely, I'd find it someday, or should I go after it right now?

I remembered then the words that were spoken here, and what it meant to be happy.

Tomo drove me to work, but I just kept losing myself in very stupid things, before I knew it I was back to where it all began, the cringing feeling in my chest, it didn't want to see things like these, a beautiful multicolored sky, the horizon creating silhouettes of the trees around me, of myself, I had become part of a painting, and surely there it was the feeling that I thought had disappeared a warm reminder that I once had been loved. The words were tickling my heart, and I recalled his voice clearly saying, "If we meet again, I'll hold your hand, not force myself back into your life, I'll love you and then you'll see it wasn't all a lie." Three months had passed, for some reason I had become very apathetic, not responding to jokes I knew were funny, or even realizing when it was my turn to stamp something at work. I wanted to quit and do something else, but first I'd need to find that job, Seiko wanted to help me, but her shift at the graveyard really couldn't afford her anymore help, then I got a call from a job I'd applied for, working at the same record store that Shou used to work at. It seems that the person who took over for him quit and everyone he contacted had also already been employed, I was too but I took the job anyway, it was a few cents less than my pay at the post office, but I knew the atmosphere would be better. I got back to the loft and informed Tomo of my good news we did a victory dance as I texted Seiko the good news, he was in the middle of eating his chinese food, he has set aside some for me and Seiko in the fridge, I told him to pile up his clothes so that we could go down tot he basement to do laundry. Tomo insisted that neither I nor Seiko should go to do laundry by ourselves, not in this part of town and specially not in his building, it was ghetto.

He took his guitar and we worked on a new song together, he had made a very pretty composition, it reminded me of a midnight sonata with an electric guiat and solo in the middle, but it was also not like it at all. I wrote lyrics to a song about a land of oppression, and a hero who saves them even though he looses his life in the battle, he dubbed it , "Anthem for an Angel."
When we got back to the Loft there was someone else at our door, someone we'd never seen before. It was a thin woman with a healthy glow, green eyes and long blonde hair tied up in a pony tail. She wore a tight dark blue dress, and a chandelier golden necklace adorned with blue jewels, gray rubber heels with big navy hearts on them ans a satin gold clutch, she was speaking into a cell phone when she noticed it and smiled, "Yes, I'm looking at them right now, yes, I'll inform you of their decision back at the hotel, yes, good bye." She snapped her phone shut and walked towards us who were frozen a few feet from here, "Is she one of your girlfriends?" I jabbed Tomo's ribs but he didn't feel it and just shook his head looking as confused as I was.
She extended her hand towards us, revealing a silver Tiffany's bracelet and a wedding ring.
"Hello, My name is Isabel Dorothy,I am with Sadako Records, you two must be Chara and Tomo or Zestubou Navy right?"
We looked at eachother, a slightly shock of excitement sparkling our eyes then back at her, "Yes," Tomo said.
She tilted her head and grinned, "I have some great news for you, or rather a proposition, do you mind if we go inside to talk?"

// Precious Love...

Lyrics: TAKURO Composer: TAKURO

I miss you, even at times when I'm stubbornly upset at you
I love you, I thought we swore to take care of it

And that love is love, no matter when the two of us are
As long and they are he first words you greet me with

A very long, and lonely way back, with only a suitcase
How long have I been running for? How much pain is there?
The day of love and guilt was also met with tears
The bright new day today, and I swore to be with you for the both of them

But, time goes by

"Dying young, with love and being loved but never knowing it,"
Where were my feelings after confessing that secret inside my heart

If holding back is everything, I'd rather not change this destiny
Remembering that you are sure, and will remain so

Thanks for holding up the sky with an insignificant ring
After the fight, I looked stupid, with using words to apologize
Scared at that night alone the fire was going out, but i knew better than that
that Meeting was one of the many cruel gambles of life

Longing for you to awaken the next day
I just try to look good for you, always strong

Love is to love a metamorphosis of the meaning of life
I still remember the day she was born, her weight at that time.
Hey, my dear, what is she like? What made you happy?
It is unbelievable to accept, but loving you is irreplaceable

Precious Love
Precious Love

I fall asleep, I fall asleep, ...

"People do not appreciate it until we loose them, foolish things"
The lingering feeling of being alone, words like that
I'll be afraid of that darkened room, from the light without loosing it.
Just knowing that my children are safe, peacefully dreaming...

作詞：TAKURO 作曲：TAKURO

I miss you あの頃は　互いに意地を張り合って
I love you もう少し　大事に出来たはずなのに

どんな時も弛まぬ愛　そしてそれは2人の愛
思い出すよ　俺にくれたお前の最初の言葉を

「長い長い道のりを　独り荷物背にこさえ
走り続けてきたのね?　それはどれほどの痛み…」
後ろめたい恋もした　バカ騒ぎの日もあった
そして2人誓うんだ　この新たな今日の良き日に

-でもTIME GOES BY-

「どんなに愛し愛されても　決して一緒に逝(ゆ)けない」
そんな哀しい告白の後で　なんで俺を欲しがった…?

変えられない運命なら　いっそすべて飲み込むのさ
忘れないよ　あれはきっとお前の最後の遺言

安い指輪天にかざし　ありがとうと涙した
くだらない喧嘩の後は　詫びる言葉探したね
励まし合うその後で　独り別れに怯えた夜
出会いそれは人生の　少しだけ残酷な賭け事

朝目覚めて隣にいない　お前をずっと探していた
いつもお前にいいところ見せようと　強がりばかりで

愛は愛を生み出して　そして新たな命まで
あの子が生まれた時の　重さをまだ覚えてる?
なぁ、俺はどんな夫だった?　お前を幸せに出来たか?
狂おしく愛に満ちた　お前それはそれはかけがえのない
Precious Love
Precious Love

眠れよ　眠れよ　眠れよ
眠れよ…

「人は馬鹿な生き物ね　失うまで気づかない」
そんなお前の言葉を　独り想い浮かべてる
暗闇を怖がるから　明かりは消さずにおくよ
この子達は大丈夫　安心してよ…
(I wish I could find a perfect translation)