I was never a fan of what people call 'soul mates.'
In fact, I never believed the concept had any standing in the real world. It's a fantasy that people tell each other, like there really is one person curated for our every wish and want and need. I think we have a say in this world, not a soul mate, but a person, tangible and grounded, and on that ground we find that ours is even, not a mound or a hole around us, and we can walk together on that path. The souls we seek are like this, on the same path, and they are our chosen family. I think that's a stronger bond, family, I haven't had the best relationships with my own kin, but my friends and him ...I think I chose them as my family.
I wasn't used to the type of attention Masake bestowed upon me, I wondered if it was my voice, people seemed to be captivated by it, I'm grateful for that, but is that what he was after? Perhaps it was my body that attracted him to me, I am on the heavier side of a medium in America, here I am considered fat. Emile wants to put me on a diet, I've just been fasting. Does he mind it? Either way, he came after me, like a wolf hunting a rabbit.
These days I have time to myself before we begin training for the tour. and with the deposit into my bank account now becoming a consistent thing every five days, I've been shopping a lot, but I return to my hotel room knowing I cant legally rent here. I like being where management cant just show up, hiding like this is peaceful for me, until I hear that ringing from my phone.
It was the drugs, it was easy....and got easier everyday, I lost our baby and he rewarded me with abuse. Like my father, I found peace in the violence and thought this is what I deserve.
It wasn't like it used to be, the charm was gone and I saw another person waking next to me. "Did I do something wrong?" I would ask, he'd just sigh and tell me that "you wouldn't understand what I'm going through," I would ask and he's just tell me the same thing. He was only kind when we were high, I was doing a photoshoot that day, I haven't seen my band mates in over two weeks, around the end of May, but here, I felt like I returned from a bad vacation, and in the middle of takes, I asked them for advice.
"Dump his ass," Seiko sighed, her pink and blonde hair up in a messy bun with extensions falling over her corseted dress. "If he's not making you happy and you can't get it out of him, it's not worth the trouble figuring out why he's icing you out, it's toxic." Tomo posed behind me in a pirate rococo attire. We were going for a French revolution vampire troupe vibe for the shoot; he chimed in. "Whatever it is, if he's just ignoring you, he's either cheating or phasing you out." Seiko nodded, "if Saga did that to me I'd chuck his ass so quick, what are you saving here by staying? Is it love? It doesn't sound like love to me my friend, you deserve better." But I didn't want better, "I just want to know what happened."
Comments
Post a Comment