// "You Expect too much, Chara."

It's been almost a week now....and he still hasn't contacted me. I want to know how you feel Haruka, are we just....in limbo? When you held me so closely, when you're eyes gazed into me over that moonlight, I asked you to be kind to me...but you're still so very far away. I don't know what to make of it really. Something inside of me is calling out, telling me that I want to be with you, but I don't know how to reach you, maybe you lost my number? I don't want to ask it from someone else, specially since it was my number you got, why didn't you give me yours? Besides, I don't want them to know when I could be wrong...am I wrong? Tell me so, because this waiting is tearing apart my patience.

Rehearsal in the morning passes by like  a breeze , already two weeks on tour and I can easily control the invislbe crowd, as Seiko's wailing guitar notes resonate inside the hall, and Tomo's back up singing along with hers recall my chorus and we decide to do a cover everynight just for the hell of it, fo rhte encore, and every night, I okay a song simply because we like it, but I want you to know that I'm singing it to you. Because I don't care what you think about me, I want you to think about me anyways, because I want you to fall in love with me in the deepest parts of you, I want you to become mine forever. Giving up, is something I don't want to bear when it coems to you, not again. The last time I wrapped you up inside a melody, and kept you there so you bother me, I was able to move on, and though my choices werent wise, or reciprhocated, I found a loev either ways, and then you came back into my life, and reawaked those dreams for me, and now....I feel as though you want to torture me. Am I wrong then? Were your plans to become friends and friends only? With me inside your bed, holding onto your arm as you pat my head and whisper gentle things, things that make my heart pitter patter to a longing madrigal. Tell me, what am I to you, and what should I expect from you? Oh, you expect too much ,Chara, you stupid girl. I wonder and I will wondering, and just like the night before I will throw it out of my mind when the curtain rises and the roar of the crowd and the calling of my name followed by countless waving love letters are directed at me through a gaze, and my heart will also dance but to a completely different melody, tell me, are you in that crowd and if you are, my heart will dance to that tune, but you are in the backstage of my mind, and you come across that curtain and take my hand and give to me what I want to desperately give to you, will you let me? Love is stupid, and painful, and thinking those things the ballad Seiko wrote surely for Saga is our closing song before the encore tonight, the practice is well, and Erin shoots me a look as I think about you again, "You okay Charls?" he asks with a grin, I force one on me and nod, "I'm starving, let's get one of those  pre-pared meals." Tomo joins us but Seiko is on the phone, we look over and Tomo calls out "You coming?" She's smiling and I recognize that face, not smiling at a joke, but something in her heart is coming through and that soft blush on her nose tells me she's talking with Saga. "Later," she says still similing and fiddling with her guitar. "Okay, we'll save you a chicken one," "Thanks!" She shoots us down in a gesture she uses to say "thanks" and we leave her to her lovey conversation, I still haven't learned to speak Japanese as well as Seiko or Tomo, or even Erin, he was practically raised in Tokyo but the closests I ever got to learning Japanese was subtitles on shojou anime I'd watch online, even though I'd had a tutor for a long time now, I can't speak it so fast, I can have conversations but sometimes I have to speak very simply, and then I don't understand most Kanji so signs in english are best for me. Luckily Emily does all of that for me, if it wasn't for her I would have been lost in a hole and died a long time ago. Being a rockstar is tiring, I don't know how they do this, sure I've toured before but Indies is different, the halls aren't as big, and the staff is half or maybe one third of this. Not that I don't enjoy it, but what I hate most is having my picture taken constantly even by staff members most of them for the tour online blog. I don't mind those , but when it's candid and it's not staff I try to nice as about pictures of me eating my takoyaki dessert are taken by fans or complete strangers, lately it's been bothering me though it hasn't in the past I guess it's because of that thing in the backstage of my mind. If I were to become someone as famous as you, would I change like you changed when we met again at that party? I'm afraid of what will happen, we're okay on the charts, but after that number one hit, I'm really scared. We wrapped up rehearsal earlier and given a few free hours but we couldn't leave. Seiko was sleeping and so was Erin, they do this often so it's not a big deal, they literally wake up 5 minutes before curtain call. Tomo and I however are a different breed, we sometimes like to walk outside within the crowd, in disguises of course and will sometimes pretend to wait in line. Today was no different, he in his light brown long hair wig and me in my short blonde wig, frame glasses and  fan get up. We were leaning against a railing when he stopped talking to a fan and turned his attention on me, my attention was on my phone. "Sighing won't make him call you, you know." "How do you know? Maybe he can sense how impatient I'm becoming." He laughed and used an alterior name of Haruka, Ruka won't call yet, know why?" I shook my head, Tomo's been my coach in all this, Masake never played this game with me he just bluntly told me he wanted me and I gave him my heart being swooned. Then it hit me, "He's playing hard to get so that I'll miss him?" It sounded strange but...like him. "Ding ding ding ding diing." I hit him over the head with my hand and his laughter turned sinister. "If you think you're going crazy, a guy trying to get your attention is more impatient. I'm sure he doesn't even have his phone on him to avoid temptation." "How long am I going to wait then? Days or another five weeks until the tour is over?"  He took out a cigarette and lit it, "Not long, I'm surprised he's taken this long, but whatever it is, I'm sure he's working on it, you know he cant express himself for shit, just give him time." Though Tomo tried to reassure me that Haruka was just being nervous I was still impatient. Haruka might have trouble finding words, but I don't. I have in mind exactly what is in my heart, so I took a bold move, as Tomo was leaving I tugged his arm. "Yeah?" He asked concernly. "Lemme borrow your phone for a minute," His eyebrows raised and he formed grin, "Well not, Princess I like this." He took out his phone and and dailed his number he gestured for me be quiet, finally he spoke, "Oh hey Ruka, ...yes, thanks, I'm alright just wondering something, did you ever get a chance to mail Chara-Chan?" My mouth opened and I tried to take the phone from him but he just smiled and listened to the voice on the other side of the phone. "Ahh... well that's stupid,....mmhmmm, yeah, you see ....well, alright then, let me find it and I'll call you back, alright? Okay," He hung up and I instantly  attacked him, "Why!!??" he blocked my weak scratches to his face and laughed. "Hey hey, I just did you a favor," "What favor? Letting him know that I'm waiting?" He nodded, "Not only that, turns out he lost it, and tried to mail variations of what he remembered but I confirmed he was wrong, I'm looking for your address now, so..." he looked up and down at me, and grinned, "Looks like I found it." He took his phone and pressed a key, he threw it at me and I catched it in just that second he ran away. "ahhh...." these sounds escape my mouth sometimes and I can't help it. I nervously put the phone to my ear, and it rang once, before I hear it, his soft cool voice, 

Conversation:
"Hey, did you get it for me?" I was a little charmed to hear him after this long, "Yeah, he got it." I replied there was a silence and then, "It's you isn't it? I'm sorry, I'm a total loser I lost your e-mail and was so embarrassed to ask the guys, I'm sorry...you hate me don't you?"
"Well, only a little, I was scared you weren't gonna talk to me again."
"No...I wanna see you, so badly."
"Well, after the tour?"
He laughs a little, "No, when you get to Kyuushu, I'll be there for you"
"Can you do that, aren't you guys busy?"
"I'll have finished my recordings by then, tomorow is my last day but they will sometimes take stuff out and have me redo it."
"Haruka,"
"I want to see you, Chara."
I felt the longing in his voice, can he hear mine?
"I wanna see you too,"
"I was worried that you were gonna yell at me for being a school boy bitch this whole time."
I laughed, "What? I'm just going really easy on you you know,"
"What am I a special exepmtion to your wrath?"
"Yeah , I guess we call it that."
"I wanna see you,"
"I know I know, but what can we can do?"
"hmm...how about we get that phone where we can see eachother?"
"The phone? the uPhone?"
"Yeah, I'll get us some"
"But I like my phone,"
He whined, "Come on, I want us to see eachother when we can't."
his words struck something in me and I caved, "Alright, we'll get the uPhone, anything else you wanna drag me into?"
He laughed, "Everything, Everywhere, I wanna drag you everywhere I can with me if you wanna come."
I laughed this time and he continued to tell me about

// "The Color of your Eyes, yeah, that Sweet Demise"

Second stop.

- Azayama Blitz. Two weeks on the road. Two days here.

After the argument I got into with Haruka I've been avoiding him so after the train arrived at the station I just stuck behind Tomo. Seiko had been hanging out with Glorious Jane because she doesn't really care about what the fans or the media thinks and since this is a mix festival with five stops  it would be normal for all of us to be together and talking, but I didn't want to talk.  I just wanted to be left alone, and with Tomo he always seems to give me that but in an aware state.

 On the train he let me lean against him and he listening to music and read a book because he can't sleep on trains, the entire time I looked out the window and read some fan mail on my phone. I am appreciative of the fans, but recently I've been getting a lot of hate mail from Masake's fans and my own. A very popular phrase in these messages is "Stupid Bitch," and "Junkie". The rumor was that while in Paris we appeared drugged up, and though some of that was true, I couldn't help but feel betrayed, maybe this is how they felt, I just stared at those words and tried to get past what was my past now.  Move on because the me that I know, and that I am couldn't live her life like that, I'm no rockstar, if anything I'm just a rock.

As soon as we arrived at the station Tomo woke me up, "we're here," he already had my bag slung across his back all that was left was for me to put my shoes back on and follow him and the rest of the members out behind Emily. We were walking to the hotel  even though Tomo was still tired he, waited for me to walk beside him just so that I can be in his shadow so that everyone would leave me alone, incognito Tomo is actually pretty scary looking, something I always liked about him and tried to emulate on stage but of course I could never be THAT cool. One thing that struck me when Emily pointed out the hotel, was that I remember exactly why and when Tomo started treating me like this. I suppose this came from our days in Los Angeles after the whole thing with Umi, my crazy ex-boyfriend after Haruka who would try to get me back after the abuse and the fear, and his obsession with me and Tomo's reaction to it. He once told me that his dad was like mine and I identified so much Tomo since I met him in a convention I had manged to go to when I was 14 and it was because of this minute detail, we were both 'evil brats' and needed too much 'discipline' and when his father would hurt his mom Tomo would naturally protect her even when he was a just a kid. He didn't always win but eventually he worked  up the courage to call the cops one evening when what he described was happening to his mom reminded me of what happened to me the night I ran out of the house into the storm and that kind older bus driver with the white whiskers charitably took me away from the madness and brought me to where I am now. When Umi tried to pull me with him ,I refused and his hand went up , I flinched at the sight of that gesture and my skin remembered it ,just at that moment Tomo had left to work but he had forgot to get something from the house  and walked in on that scene. Well, he beat Umi bloody and threatened to do worse if he ever bothered me again, that's when Tomo really grew in my heart ,not romantically, but we bonded through some type of trust, and he was like my brother ever since.

 Like now, when Masake tried to get me back and Haruka got mad at me for even talking to him and his trying to convince me to see the truth about him, and Tomo just kept stepping between us, and saying "it's her choice."  Just remembering it is making me shaky, luckily we're in the lobby only a few minutes before we get into the elevator after Emily joins us and a sighing Seiko rejoins our party. Emily basically explains what's going to be happening tomorrow, "Today the crew  is just setting things up, you guys are having a rehearsal in the morning  at 10 so be ready by 9:30, Today is a free day with a lunch at 2pm that you can chose to or to not attend, at 4pm Sakura Rock Radio is offering an online interview that you can chose to or to not attend and dinner at 9pm which-"  "We can choose  to or to not attend," Seiko finished off with a yawn, Tomo laughed and asked, 'Were are all  the restaurants  anyways? In the hotel or near it?" Erin was half alseep against the wall of the elevator shifting only slightly when it stopped on the wrong floor. "In the hotel" Emily finished looking tired herself, "if you can try to make the online interview it's a live chat with fans, that's always a good point booster."  I looked over at Tomo and knew he was very tired as well, he nodded as in agreement to the interview and didn't want to leave him hanging, just then Seiko spoke up, "I'll join in too, you two take a rest for the day you look terrible," Erin just nodded and the doors opened again we all got out . I felt like a stone was covernig my eye lids pushing them down and I was trying to fight against the weight of it all, so I stopped listening to everything else Emily said and followed behind Tomo,  just as we stopped at Erin's room and he went in, she waved her phone in front of me, "I'll call you later, go to sleep now"  she pointed at room 304 at the end of the hallway and gave me a room card, I headed my merry way while Tomo and Seiko went back to the elevator with Emily talking about God only knows what, their rooms must be on another floor, or maybe they were preparing for the interview? I slid the card key, opened the door came in and quickly shut it behind me, kicking off my shoes and throwing down my bag on the floor, I just want to bury my face into a cool pillow and pull the maybe herpes infested covers over it and enjoy a few minutes of peace. I made my way past the small chair and other furniture in the dark until I found the bed, and jumped on it, something hard dug into my shoulder and I let out a scream. alerted, I took my phone out to see what alien body might be waiting for me, but it was just a basket of stuff the hotel had left for me to use in my stay, perfumes, and bath stuff, slipper, I tossed it to the floor and put music on my phone to play while I slept, I liked this bit, so I put on some Loversoul and headed into a deeper coma.

They were hazel, the eyes in my dream.
I was running past people, past buildings, and it was raining, I don't understand why since it was sunny out, but I couldn't see the sun either. I ran so fast and so far I forgot why I was running and I hit something against my foot, I stumbled and fell, I hit the grund hard, it was soft grass, I had come to some grassy area, but something else was happening. My chest was going crazy and I was hyperventilazting, something had happened to me and i was upset, so upset I couldn't think straight, I fell to the grass crying in a daze but I went right through it and I was now crying on my bed, soft and cold, familiar to me, this strange thing. I was crying but something else was there as well, I felt a wamrth beside me, I reached out for it curiously, and it pulled me closer,  I looked up to the see the source, moonlit skin, and hazel eyes, an expression, that kind only he knew how to give, and he said something, something I can't recall, but I haven't forgotten. What were they??
They seem so close to me, yet so far away.
A song came into my dreams, I couldn't stop it, as soon as my alarm clock woke me I had to write it down.