// "Not a Rose, she was a thorn"

It's been two weeks.
I don't know who brought me to the hospital, but when I woke up Jaques was there, a friend of my sister, Akane, another nurse,she happened to be woring ER when someone brought me, she said it was a young man, very tall, medium length hair he wrapped me in his jacket, but the jacket was gone now, he took it with him. I will never full understand how someone could be so kind, but then again, the old man on the bus was also kind, or is this my payment after suffering a scrapped and cut up jaw, internal bleeding, four broken ribs and a gash on my leg from the shards of glass? I had cuts on my hands too, Jaques said that when they brought me in, I was a bloody mess, I was unconsiuess and would have died because of the trauma to my head, a concussion she called it. I remember getting off the bus, and being really hungry, I knwo now that it was my adrenaline and my broken body fighting eachother and i layed down to sleep, it was the blood I was loosing, I laid in the warm sand and fell asleep not thinking much on it. Looking back on it now, god , how out of it was I?

According to Jaques I fell asleep for about two days, when I woke up she was there with another doctor, her boyfriend, Yomi, I got my blood taken often to make sure I was alive, but this hospital was short staffed due to the economy, and it was usually volunteers who did this. "Wake up, it's Vampire time."
At 8:30 am I was awaken by a young man in a scrub shit and jeans, I heard the rustle of his chains on his belt as I woke up, "God..." was all I could say I dreaded this, the smell of the blood, the color, everything about it makes me squeamish, I melt int oa puddle inside myself, and pretend I'm some place else, this young man was different from who usually took my blood, he was fast, and not very chatty, after our nosferatu encounter I heard him outside my room all the time, he mopped, and arraged the boards with names and shifts; he even brought in breakfast and lunch, but by dinner time he was gone. I asked my night nurse Steffania, why the morning nurses changed and she explained it to me, about the economy and how volunteers who majored in Medicine are being allowed to intern here for no pay. Rich kids then, I figured, because who would do all that work if they weren't getting paid. My sister came that night though, alone, she told me that I wasn't going to go home, after I left dad tore down my room with an axe until he passed out, all my things were destroyed , my desk, my bed, the window, all the posters I had imported from Japan and some stuffed dolls I cherished since childhood, all gone. They managed to save a few of my things, mom arranged them in a box and my sister will get it at the end of the week as she took was busy with work. "I'm sorry I wasn't there to protect you Charls, I didn't think it would get worse."
I tried my best to smile, but I could never really hide my emotions well, I cried and wouldn't stop, in between sobs I told her that it wasn't her fault, and that it was better this way. Eileen had lots of other things to take care of, that's why she left the house, she moved to Pasadena when she was 21, she's been living in a house with her friends, they all work in local hospitals, except for her, she works at Los Angeles General and is usually very busy, she even missed Christmas for four years because her schedule is so packed, but people need my sister and her calculating mind. She was never much of a wiz in school, but once she is in the operating room she is possessed and I heard she could be one of the best surgeons in the country, if she could finish school and get the paperwork. But she's stubborn, and with work  and her boyfriend she rarely has any time to spare.  She left that night telling me that I would be staying with Jaques,  she lives in L.A., and I would finish school through a GED program, she was shaking though she seemed to have put everything together in just 5 hours, where I would live, and how I would finish school without going home, since that was no lonegr an option.
The night we talked after I finished crying, about why dad hated me, Eileen thought it was something our mom said when she was a kid, how I might not have been dad's daughter, as  I grew up I resembeled him, and dad resented him because they used to be friends, but then for some reason they become worst enemies, it wasn't because of mom though, I never really figured out why, no one has.
It started when i was 9, and got worse over the years, it was only 3 years ago when I turned 14 that he started to hit me, not just cussing me out and treating me like a slave. He hit me with a belt across the face twenty-nine times he stopped because I went unconscious, my mom took me to the hospital, and they pressured her to say if my dad did this, she said no, that I fell down the stairs and hit my face hard, they knew she was lying, but didn't follow it up. They turned a blind-eye like my mother, who for so many years pretended that this was the way my father showed he loved me. She said that it was his way, because he loved me best and didn't want me to be like him, I thought this at first and endured, but the last year was the worst, I never told mom some of the things, like about the needles in my arm, or the bottle of beer he broke with my hand, about why my last boyfriend really dumped me because he couldn't take not saying anything about what he did to me, and how he was a coward and simply left me. I shut out from my friends, and in fact didn't have any. I couldn't tell anyone this, no one, Eileen had no idea, she thought it was the usual verbal abuse and grounding it always was. My brother Fer was never home and when he was I would hide in his room where the computer was, because my dad never bothered him, they had their throws too, but he mostly ignored Fer.
 I started a journal then, but even there I never talked about it, I tried to...but I could quickly erased it and pretend things were okay. I got into music when I was young, and the little friends I've had have known, some cared, others didn't, I thought friends were supposed to be there for you, but when I tried to ask for help or refuge, they had better things to do. I was so incredibly alone, and used to being ignored so when i entered school at age 17, my last year, I didn't even bother making friends, even old friends, I would wave and smile, but never let into my world again, I stayed to myself, and to someone else, Michio Kubo.I found their music by chance, I had grown fond of watching Asian Soap Operas and in watching one I liked a tune, I looked it up and that band lead me to Loversoul. It was a song that spoke in simple words of love everlasting, of dreams that were crushed and a silver lining that made life worth living, I held on to the message in that song and searched for more of it, of that loving soul, and of course I got my hands on anything I could find plastering my small room with the few official posters and flyers I could, that years flew by and I was around 13 when I found Loversoul, they helped me cope, and that last year they were all I had left, that year I saw them live for the first time, I went with a friend of my sister's , Akane, she'd been her friend since I was 12 and we became friends as well, it was at that concert she grew fond of Loversoul, and I felt somewhat complete when Taro spotted me in the crowd and blew me a kiss and a wink, I nearly fainted when Michio read my comment on a flyer I had signed while waiting in line that morning, fan projects like these are common, some more creative than others but I'm glad I joined in it.

// The girl in the silver dress.

"I left the party early, I didn't see him."
Seiko must have known I was lying, but in the morning car I hid inside my parka's hoodie still crying about it. My shoes were pinching at my ankles, must be the new pair I got at that store Seiko shops at, I prefer loose fiting clothes and tights, she prefers ruffle halters and frilly dresses. Tomo was sleeping beside me, I supposed like me he's a bit heart broken about Chelsea, I feel for him, but my heart is too full of my own suffering that I can't even tell him it will be okay, I hardly believe such a ridiculous thing to be true. 

I had come to believe that I would never have this weight on my chest again, that that familiar pricking wouldn't find me, that I would be safe from the chills at night, with a warmth inside me, because I would be loved and have someone to love me. What do I have now, my heart is so fragile, that I'm sure I can never put it back together now. I sit in the car as we head towards our destination and the day feels like a repetitive blur.

I go on like this, in the studio, in the loft, in the corner shop, in the morning car, in the ride home, in the small single serving bed I sleep on now, and my things in the apartment  by the station still there, Emily says she'd send for them, but they are my things, I should get them, only I'm too scared, too afraid he will be there, with her, and that I will find they are happy, there in that same place I was going to share a life with him.  The car stops and I remember I have to go back to my job, being Chara, being the vocalist for Zetsubou Nation, today it's a tour, oh yeah I remember now, I didn't bring off clothes just my stage outfits, my mind recoils thinking if I should return to the apartment now, I shake off the feeling and send Emily for a few things at the loft, she sends an assistant for the few things while scolding me for my wandering mind, though she's a  bit soft of me, "I know you're going through a hard time Chara, but your fans need you now, and I have a feeling you need them too."

“I’m doing fine,” I lied, i take out my notebook and put my headphones in, all I can think about is how Haruka looked at me last night.

I know we said we would remain friends, his hand holding mine is something I cannot shake off. I have this overwhelming feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I let him walk away and gaze at me from the entrance. “Just say it,” I begged im. I want to hear him say it.

Emily is worried about me, after what happened in Hawaii I understand, I have some sort of problem mentally, but I don’t know what it is, its har for me to seek or ask for help. My father just called me weak, I could never handle it after the beatings, i couldn’t recover and go back to normal, even with a friend who ignored me, I would feel it in my stomach, the jrejection. I don’t ever know if it’s real or just in my head but I know that it’s not something everyone experiences. I feel like I have too much emotion inside me sometimes and that if I don’t sing, I will explode.  I close my eyes and imagine myself in that field when I was a kid, I got separated from my family heading towards a camping spot, I followed the fireflies and ended up surrounded in crops and tall grass, the darkness swallowed me and all I coul.   Find in the sky was he endless stars. Comforting me in my despair I became agitated being alone, maybe alone is how I’m supposed to be. I’ve gone through a  miscarriage a failed engagement and now Masake and I are done for good. It’s been four months, I can still feel his hand around my throat, I wanted it to squeeze me tighter, I wanted him to engulf me in his rage….destroy me so that I might finally be rid of this mind of mine, this burden of breathing. Take it all away and fill me with your love inside the palm of your hand that grasps so tightly at my neck…I wanted to leave.