The reasoning of Chara.

Things calm, things are over, things are through and you admit to yourself "I did everything I could", but you haven't and you wont and yet you wonder why. You stare at that phone wondering when a buzz or a ring will happen, and when it does you die of disappointment because its not him.

Spam.
I have mixed emotions, and in a sense  know that I always have these emotions so feeling is close to living now, and my days are filled with nothing but advertising, promotion, interviews and guest spot here there, everywhere.  I should care more, but I only have Haruka on my mind.

 
Seiko asks me if I'm okay and knowing that I'm not I tell her I am. She doesn't buy it, the furrow in her brow shoots at me like an arrow and she asks me more things I don't really want to answer. "Is it because of a certain ex-boyfriend, turned living legend composer, or are you just hungry?" "Is it because of what happened at the party, and if so was it because your current boyfriend caught you holding hands with said ex-boyfriend who will remain unnamed for obvious reasons, or is it that you're thinking of the food? The aioli on those paninis was immaculate though I don't blame you." She gets me to smile, Im thankful and sigh.

"I don't even know what's so special about him anyways? I think he's a few Grammys away from being  living legend." The car makes a sharp turn and I choke on my seatbelt a little, , “he's got the sense of humor of a lab rat that's dying of acid poisoning that also has been charred by the flares of the sun.”

 I try to understand her logic but it's all just making me laugh and then I get it, “it's working the making me feel better  part. Thanks Seiko,” I know he's being stupid, but I can't just...forget him. I havent forgotten him. “ I want to be with him so much that  I don't know what to do if he's not mine." Seiko laughs hits my arm Hard. I start crying and ask her why, she grabs my shoulders and starts to shake me as she tells me. "If he's the one you want go get him, if he says no, tell him too effing bad, 'cause he's the one, now he's gotta take responsibility for being the one!" she gestured at my entire being with her wide eyes and her hand flailing from my head to my knees, I couldnt help but laugh, Seiko has the strangest looks on her face when she's intense, like now, she looks like she's deadlifting.

 The elevator doors open and she pushes me back and I can feel another body catch me as I slip. Before I have time to question this surprise attack in despair, I look up, elated, to see the arms that catch me, it's him.
He shoots Seiko a glare and demands what the deal is, she turns away and down the hall she calls back.

 "This is between you two losers, I'm outta here, you're welcome." She winks at me as she disappears around a corner and I'm frozen and unable to move. 

 I can feel the warm pressure on my body as Haruka holds me me, and greets me with a simple “Hey” he starts to pull away forgetting the moment, but I don't let him with a “hey”, suddenly I can move again and I'm pressing him closer to my body, he looks at me with what I interpret as sadness, is what happened at the beach affecting him as well? I want to know; “you called me last night then hung up, what was that about?” He asks me coyly as he reaches over me and presses the elevator door to some floor.

I look down to the floor, admiring his xxx boots and answer, “I wasn’t sure how to say what I wanted to say, and now you got me right in front of you,” I sigh he sighs and grins at me. It lights my body up to see it. 
"Why are you so dead set on me?" He suddenly asks letting my body go and holding my right hand he puts it up to his cheek and turns his head to kiss my palms.
"You expect me to answer that as you try to pry me off ?"
He grins a bit, "I just want to know what you take me for, I ask you to marry me and you move out,I ask you to make a move on me and you leave for the night because you suddenly have the urge to record? Chara, either you want me or you don't, which is it, because your actions and your words are not adding up." My grip tightened, I'm tired of running. "I want you," I let him go and did something I've only seen Seiko do to Saga, but it works everytime. I jumped on him and immediately he caught me. Flailing a little bit he staggered but he held me as I wrapped my legs around his waist. I pressed my face against his and breathed in those rice flowers that he always smells like, that scent is home to me, he is home to me. "I love you, I want you, I don't know anything else that I'm certain about in life. But I know that I want you to be with me while I figure everything else out."

That was it. He kissed me and held me tightly to him, I wasn't scared anymore something inside me was lifted, the weight and the pain of rejection the worries of what may come; gone.

Melted away by his declaration of love and mine as well. It was this simple all this time? 

I'm glad I didn't cower behind an excuse or my anxiety. "I want this to last as long as forever can be, I've been wanting you to say it, because I have my heart set on you, I always have." He sets me down and hugs me again. "I feel the exact same way, I was just..." "scared?" I nod and bury my face in his jacket. "You don't have to be scared anymore, not about this anyway, whatever you need to feel alright, just tell me, I'll give you everything." His lips pressed my forehead and we got to the recording room. Together....again.

I remember that night clung to me like a warm blanket on my heart, it cultivated my artistry on the next record, closer to hyper pop than our usual tunes, but when I think of the way you say my name when we’re talking, it’s crisp and cool, like I just bit into an apple in the morning and sweet to m ears like the honeyed juice on my lips. The way your hair brushes over me when you hold me, like velvet in the snowy mornings on the beach we made our own. That silly way you hold my hand when we walk together, who said you could be that tall anyways? You never mind it, I want to capture you in the only form that I was ever good at, my words.

I didnt plan to spend the whole week re-recording some of my parts, I would call Seiko at 2am asking her to join me and she always did. Intrigued with the new sound I was asking of her to match the songs I had written, I still wasn’t good with composition but she understood what I wanted and even made some rifts and harmonies that would support my vocals that were nothing like what we had recorded before. Around the third day she finally asked me, handing her a coffee as she was finishing the last song of our new demos. “So, this whole new vibe you have, I love it, but is it because…you finally landed on Saturn?”

I couldn’t hide it anymore, “It’s my own colony now,” I replied back with a smile, she laughed out loud and followed up with a knee slap, “More like Saturn colonized you, this line right here,’ she pointed at the song sheet for ‘gravity’ one of our new songs and Read my lyrics back to me, “Connected, Long casting, Absorbed and reshaped by your gravity, with stars that oscillate the black holes around them, you tear and retake me, im willing just tear me apart with our gravity.’ Just what kind of love of the craft is that if not your undying love to Haru?” Embarrassed all of a sudden, was I making it too forward? I buried my face in my hands and sat down next to her on the couch. “Is it too much?” I wondered now, but I laughed suddenly. “I’m not changing it even if it is!” I declared, she pats my head and I look but to that devilish grin she always gives me, “Good, its about time you were proud of your feelings, I gotta ask though, are you both secret science freaks? I noticed both of you are like really into space, is there a particular reason, you never really talk about it with us,” she suddenly got serious look on her face, almost concerning, maybe it was that I didnt share my other interest with her, maybe she felt left out. I told her of my childhood, how I could run out my window into the roof to avoid my father, how I always felt like I didnt belong here, that I was a star somewhere, just suspended in one place, it wasn’t until I didn’t see stars so much in the city I would go to the observatory a lot or the pier. I loved space, and Haruka was majoring in it when he rejected his acceptance to state, it’s a little passion of ours, but I never thought how much of it I would associate it with him in my music. “I named him Saturn for a reason, and he named me Mars, he said something about my eyes glowing red the first time he met me, did you ever notice that?” She laughed, “my eyes are literally purple under these,” she pointed at her contacts, “but I never seen your eyes red, hmm…maybe its something only your soulmate can see or something,” she laughed, the comment warmed my heart, “ I don’t know about soulmate, but I hope that he’s my binary, its when stars are soulmates, they cling onto each others gravity, unable to let go, creating one single point of light for us here, but when they dance, they twinkle.”