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// The only one I love.

It was before I found out Masake hit Chara, before he cheated on her with Sakah, before I rejected her offer to have an affair to get back at Masake, before Chiharu hit her so hard I caught her in my arms, before I said goodbye to her at the airport, before I saw those fiery eyes on the veranda of Tomo's brothers home. It was on that warm chilly night that I found her on the warm waters edge, blood on her face, on her hands, and kinks in her body as I carried her towards the ambulance as they strapped her into the gurney. It was on that night that I felt a warmth inside my heart when  I held her, like a feeling, electric and chilling that I confused with fear of holding  a dead person, it wasnt that, I realized it on that night that Chara came to me after Masake hit her, that I realized that my heart reacts towards this side of her more than anything else I've ever known, I just want to protect her fom it, from the entire world. I made love to her that night until she slipped into a deep sleep, and I didnt want her to leave me in the end, I would love her more than anyone else ever could, and my heart hurt so badly when she returned to him and even got engaged to him. I can't just be her friend, I refuse to, and I have told her this but she just stared at me and said, "I dont want to repeat my past mistakes, mistakes that would break me entirely if I committed them again." I took it to mean that if we ever split again, she wouldn't be able to handle it, I wonder how I can show her that she can trust me again, that I would erase this rouse I have with Chiharu, that I will never let anyone touch her again if thats what she wants, I would leave everything if she wanted it, I'm that committed to her, that I wont play games with her the way Masake does to control her.

I want to prove this to her, but the time is never right, today I passed her in the confrence hall, her glasses on, looking back at me as I passed and never looking back. The same the next day, and after, and then that tuesday it happened. I was in my apartment finishing a composition outline when the news was blowing up my fanspace hat box,. Eversince my colabiration with   ZeNa were portrayed as best friends band, and we used to be, well the other guys still are im the odd one out, but I got a bunch of comments about Chara's breakin goff engagement with Masake, , how she ruined their relationship, and what my thoughts were about this, others said that masake was marryoing Sakah that she was pregnant, when I heard that from Yumi of hotri magazine I knew it was right.  Masake told me he was looking forward to having the little girl that Chara lost in the hos[ital,  I dont know the specifics of their problems, but i think that was at the base. After the news hit Chara dropped from public view, Masake however was happily parading with Sakah, smuggly glowing, all his comments were never about Chara, but about his and Sakah's happiness, and the fans loved it, Chara got all the atacks, rumors of her not letting Masake go, getting in their way, it was pitiful. That's when I wanted to go to he,r but like clockwork Saga stopped me, telling me to give her space, so I did, but i wouldnt give Masake the same respect, I got into a brawl with him that my manager had to bribe to keep under wraps, cut my left temple, but it was worth it.

I want to be at peace with all of this. I want to escape to a place where none of it is real, back to that beach in San Fransisco where I asked Chara to be mine. I had always just had her on my mind.










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