The first time I felt like breaking all the rules was then, when I saw your eyes across from me, on the other-side of the fire. Remember Shou's birthday? We all went to Hokkaido, Nana was there, but she never knew what happened that night did she?
It's been tension ever since the Ready? tour, hesitating, I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my life, but I couldn't contain it anymore, either could you. Seiko was playing knockers, that drinking game with the rest of the guys, Nana left early, she had something to do in the morning. I smiled at her half-halfheartedly, she asked me if I was sick, and denying it, I hid it behind a stupid joke. Something about you changed too, when you saw me behind you,you lead me me out of the hotel's deck, onto the beach, the sand beneath us, I remembered it, and I think you did too.
Where not even the moon got in our way, you held me close to you. The salty dust was in my hair, and in your words, my heart was beating like it hasn't in a very long time, and those secrets I swore to keep, became a common language between us.
You held me closely, and whispered into my ear, I remember the sentiment tickled my heart, "I might not be the right one, it might not be the right time, but there's something about us, I got to do, some kind of secret I will share with you," his eyes were sincere, yes, could see them. We were beneath the dock, where no one could see us, no wandering pedestrian or sneaking photographer, or friends of ours, "I need you more than anything in my life," your words melted on me as they rolled off your tounge, and I felt you stroke my hair and search for something in my eyes, "I want you more than anything in my life". The night was chilly, but wrapped up under his suede brown jacket, I didn't feel the goosebumps anymore, and I nuzzled his chin, interlocked our hands, and stared at each other as if for the first time. I knew I couldn't do anything but want Haruka, anymore than to touch him would be a crime, I don't think I'm ready to live that way. His lips brushed against mine, never touching completely, his words wrapped me up in a world, where the clouds were made of spun sugar, and the waters were painted soft shades," I love you more than anyone in my life," he hesitated for a minute hen caressed my cheek with his. The emerald in his eyes, how dazzling it did look under that light, the faint moonlight, I wonder what my face looked like to him, the years I spent with him, again, rushed into my head, and as I drew closer onto him, I wrapped my arms around him not wanting to let go, and unexpectedly, he embraced me tighter as well, it was obvious then, he too had the same feeling, and aware of the trip wires around us that could expose, and kill this secret that we share. I remember when we headed back too, after pressing ourselves together, yet never touching, how I longed for you that night, and my heart thought it would stop when I said goodbye to you and as you smiled at me so tenderly, I whispered to myself, "I'll miss you more than anything in my life," I shut the door behind me, and there was an emptiness again,t he gravity of the real world, and it seemed so alien. The time was 10:32 pm, I should be sleeping, because we're leaving at 5am, but...there's something about us, something that kept me up that night, staring at the sea through my window, recalling that secret you shared with me, "I love you more than anyone in my life."
The next morning, I woke up with a headache, I couldn't shake it off all morning, and hit my head on the bathroom door frame as well, which didn't make trying to focus on what Emily was bablings abou in the van any easier. "You have a meeting with Takuro at 11, then you will go out to lunch, at 5p.m. we will come back to venue until then you have free time. Charlotte what's wrong with you you're not even listening," and I wasn't I was staring at something tasty Seiko was eating she was listening to music on her phone, and Tomo was sleeping on the window next to her, Daiku and Sessie both listened attentively to Emily and turned back to stare at me when she mentioned my name. I didn't like this attention so I just admitted that I had a headache. "Headache? We're you drinking last night?" I shook my head, "No, just complex things in my head, too much lyrics writing, it's all this industries fault, pressuring my creative instincts I can't turn them off," laughter filled the van as we approached the airport, I didn't bring much so it was easy packing my bag and throwing it in the back of the van. The airport at Hokkaido was filled with people, more than usual, Tomo wrote in his blog that he was eating nice seafood and then posted a picture of the hotel's lobby, naturally, it was well known so by the time my alarm rang the place was crawling with fans and mosquittos. It was our fault, we wanted to celebrate far away and then they caughup, luckily Glorious Jane left a day before us. As we checked our luggage and handed our plane tickers to the attendant, I thought about Haruka, about our close encounter, and how rapidly my heart beated even now when I recalled the warming sensation it brought to me. I felt like melting all over again, there on the runway as I walked into the plane. I leaned against Tomo who held me instinctively, he rubbed my shoulder as he flicked cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, "We're almost home pretty girl, hang in there." Oh right, I had a headache. I do not actually know where the head ache came from, I'm lying, truth is that when the guys left Haruka didn't come to see me, he only sent me a message. "Until I see the goddess of the red planet, I shall suffer in the cold, until I touch the goddess of the fire planet, I shall burn inside the dark, return to me dear Mars, and I shall return to you."
It left me a little confused, there is no goddess of Mars, only a god.
Return to me, and I shall return to you?
Love me, and i will love you in return?
It drove me crazy, so much it must've given me this damn headache. Finally, on the plane ride back, Seiko sat next to me, putting away her headphones, she gave me her full attention and appoligized, but she needed her Luna Sea this morning. I smiled at her and unloaded everything that was on my mind as soon as she asked if there was anything new.
Seiko wasn't at all shocked though, she chuckled and exclaimed proudly, "Oh my sweet boy is in love with you Charls, I knew this would happen, I just knew it." I couldn't help the next part, love and airplanes? I thought about Taka, his affection, was I ready to allow someone else to see me that bare, that naked? My heart felt like it was coiling up in the back of a deep cave, no wanting to repeat this, I shook my heart and whispered to Seiko as the pain stinged my eyes. "No, Seiko, I... I'm not ready for disaster to be so easily at reached to me, not again, I don't want to go through this," I clutched at my chest,"again," Seiko's face grew sad, empathetic, and she took my hand. "I have known three things about Haruka since I met him, one, he lives on air and music, he hates stepping on bugs, and he has had only one love in his life, that is you Chara. I understand how you are feeling, but please, try to understand him. He is not someone who can throw a person away easily, this thing you are afraid of, he cannot be able to do such a thing. Even now he is with Nana, but he will have to explain to her how in love with you he is. Otherwise, how would he be able to ask you properly to go back with him?"
Then it clicked sudenly, the message, the fear.
Haruka knew exactly what he wanted, return to me, and i will return to you.
Forget Taka, and I will forget Nana, and then we can be together.
I wanted to jump out of the plane the feeling was so confusing, a part of me wanting to cling desperately to the remains of the thing called love i still felt for Taka, the other part wanted to call Haruka and tell him that I wanted to be with him, and the other it felt a bit of hypocrisy and guilt, guilt because I had agreed to go with Nana someplace and minutes later I was longing for he boyfriend by the sea shore. I fell inlove with a disaster of myself and in doing so i lost my true heart. I was at a loss and decided I would not see Haruka until I figured out the complex things inside of me. Lucky for me we were so busy all day I had no time to time about Haruka, when I met with Takuro for lunch he told me that he scheduled an interview for us later that evening, we headed to the radio station and caried it out there, afterwards, we needed to listen to the final copy of the "Atataka Loneliness, Why?" single. It was Seiko's son and the lyrics were fun to sing, but I had felt a little sad, it spoke about a sadness in the soul, and the way beliving in yourself can cure it, but in the end the pain was too great and the warmth of a smile could not reach the coldness of the heart.
I wondered then, would haruka be able to reach my heart?
I wanted to be with him on the beach because of my memories, because only he knew this part of me. Did I want him in my life forever?
I was at a loss and when I got back to my own bed, I bit my tounge.
The blood filled my mouth and I rubbed it against my teeth, creating an even more painful numbness. I listened to Loversoul as I let sleep take me, and the headache faintly went away in the darkness.
It's been tension ever since the Ready? tour, hesitating, I've never felt so ashamed of myself in my life, but I couldn't contain it anymore, either could you. Seiko was playing knockers, that drinking game with the rest of the guys, Nana left early, she had something to do in the morning. I smiled at her half-halfheartedly, she asked me if I was sick, and denying it, I hid it behind a stupid joke. Something about you changed too, when you saw me behind you,you lead me me out of the hotel's deck, onto the beach, the sand beneath us, I remembered it, and I think you did too.
Where not even the moon got in our way, you held me close to you. The salty dust was in my hair, and in your words, my heart was beating like it hasn't in a very long time, and those secrets I swore to keep, became a common language between us.
You held me closely, and whispered into my ear, I remember the sentiment tickled my heart, "I might not be the right one, it might not be the right time, but there's something about us, I got to do, some kind of secret I will share with you," his eyes were sincere, yes, could see them. We were beneath the dock, where no one could see us, no wandering pedestrian or sneaking photographer, or friends of ours, "I need you more than anything in my life," your words melted on me as they rolled off your tounge, and I felt you stroke my hair and search for something in my eyes, "I want you more than anything in my life". The night was chilly, but wrapped up under his suede brown jacket, I didn't feel the goosebumps anymore, and I nuzzled his chin, interlocked our hands, and stared at each other as if for the first time. I knew I couldn't do anything but want Haruka, anymore than to touch him would be a crime, I don't think I'm ready to live that way. His lips brushed against mine, never touching completely, his words wrapped me up in a world, where the clouds were made of spun sugar, and the waters were painted soft shades," I love you more than anyone in my life," he hesitated for a minute hen caressed my cheek with his. The emerald in his eyes, how dazzling it did look under that light, the faint moonlight, I wonder what my face looked like to him, the years I spent with him, again, rushed into my head, and as I drew closer onto him, I wrapped my arms around him not wanting to let go, and unexpectedly, he embraced me tighter as well, it was obvious then, he too had the same feeling, and aware of the trip wires around us that could expose, and kill this secret that we share. I remember when we headed back too, after pressing ourselves together, yet never touching, how I longed for you that night, and my heart thought it would stop when I said goodbye to you and as you smiled at me so tenderly, I whispered to myself, "I'll miss you more than anything in my life," I shut the door behind me, and there was an emptiness again,t he gravity of the real world, and it seemed so alien. The time was 10:32 pm, I should be sleeping, because we're leaving at 5am, but...there's something about us, something that kept me up that night, staring at the sea through my window, recalling that secret you shared with me, "I love you more than anyone in my life."
The next morning, I woke up with a headache, I couldn't shake it off all morning, and hit my head on the bathroom door frame as well, which didn't make trying to focus on what Emily was bablings abou in the van any easier. "You have a meeting with Takuro at 11, then you will go out to lunch, at 5p.m. we will come back to venue until then you have free time. Charlotte what's wrong with you you're not even listening," and I wasn't I was staring at something tasty Seiko was eating she was listening to music on her phone, and Tomo was sleeping on the window next to her, Daiku and Sessie both listened attentively to Emily and turned back to stare at me when she mentioned my name. I didn't like this attention so I just admitted that I had a headache. "Headache? We're you drinking last night?" I shook my head, "No, just complex things in my head, too much lyrics writing, it's all this industries fault, pressuring my creative instincts I can't turn them off," laughter filled the van as we approached the airport, I didn't bring much so it was easy packing my bag and throwing it in the back of the van. The airport at Hokkaido was filled with people, more than usual, Tomo wrote in his blog that he was eating nice seafood and then posted a picture of the hotel's lobby, naturally, it was well known so by the time my alarm rang the place was crawling with fans and mosquittos. It was our fault, we wanted to celebrate far away and then they caughup, luckily Glorious Jane left a day before us. As we checked our luggage and handed our plane tickers to the attendant, I thought about Haruka, about our close encounter, and how rapidly my heart beated even now when I recalled the warming sensation it brought to me. I felt like melting all over again, there on the runway as I walked into the plane. I leaned against Tomo who held me instinctively, he rubbed my shoulder as he flicked cigarette to the ground and stepped on it, "We're almost home pretty girl, hang in there." Oh right, I had a headache. I do not actually know where the head ache came from, I'm lying, truth is that when the guys left Haruka didn't come to see me, he only sent me a message. "Until I see the goddess of the red planet, I shall suffer in the cold, until I touch the goddess of the fire planet, I shall burn inside the dark, return to me dear Mars, and I shall return to you."
It left me a little confused, there is no goddess of Mars, only a god.
Return to me, and I shall return to you?
Love me, and i will love you in return?
It drove me crazy, so much it must've given me this damn headache. Finally, on the plane ride back, Seiko sat next to me, putting away her headphones, she gave me her full attention and appoligized, but she needed her Luna Sea this morning. I smiled at her and unloaded everything that was on my mind as soon as she asked if there was anything new.
Seiko wasn't at all shocked though, she chuckled and exclaimed proudly, "Oh my sweet boy is in love with you Charls, I knew this would happen, I just knew it." I couldn't help the next part, love and airplanes? I thought about Taka, his affection, was I ready to allow someone else to see me that bare, that naked? My heart felt like it was coiling up in the back of a deep cave, no wanting to repeat this, I shook my heart and whispered to Seiko as the pain stinged my eyes. "No, Seiko, I... I'm not ready for disaster to be so easily at reached to me, not again, I don't want to go through this," I clutched at my chest,"again," Seiko's face grew sad, empathetic, and she took my hand. "I have known three things about Haruka since I met him, one, he lives on air and music, he hates stepping on bugs, and he has had only one love in his life, that is you Chara. I understand how you are feeling, but please, try to understand him. He is not someone who can throw a person away easily, this thing you are afraid of, he cannot be able to do such a thing. Even now he is with Nana, but he will have to explain to her how in love with you he is. Otherwise, how would he be able to ask you properly to go back with him?"
Then it clicked sudenly, the message, the fear.
Haruka knew exactly what he wanted, return to me, and i will return to you.
Forget Taka, and I will forget Nana, and then we can be together.
I wanted to jump out of the plane the feeling was so confusing, a part of me wanting to cling desperately to the remains of the thing called love i still felt for Taka, the other part wanted to call Haruka and tell him that I wanted to be with him, and the other it felt a bit of hypocrisy and guilt, guilt because I had agreed to go with Nana someplace and minutes later I was longing for he boyfriend by the sea shore. I fell inlove with a disaster of myself and in doing so i lost my true heart. I was at a loss and decided I would not see Haruka until I figured out the complex things inside of me. Lucky for me we were so busy all day I had no time to time about Haruka, when I met with Takuro for lunch he told me that he scheduled an interview for us later that evening, we headed to the radio station and caried it out there, afterwards, we needed to listen to the final copy of the "Atataka Loneliness, Why?" single. It was Seiko's son and the lyrics were fun to sing, but I had felt a little sad, it spoke about a sadness in the soul, and the way beliving in yourself can cure it, but in the end the pain was too great and the warmth of a smile could not reach the coldness of the heart.
I wondered then, would haruka be able to reach my heart?
I wanted to be with him on the beach because of my memories, because only he knew this part of me. Did I want him in my life forever?
I was at a loss and when I got back to my own bed, I bit my tounge.
The blood filled my mouth and I rubbed it against my teeth, creating an even more painful numbness. I listened to Loversoul as I let sleep take me, and the headache faintly went away in the darkness.
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