I haven't thought it through all the way, the way I'm going to see him every day on tour and pretend that we're still together.
It hasn't come out yet, and I hold his hand at press releases, still in love, and pathetic, when he kisses my cheek I yearn for a deeper kiss, and yeah I know its fake, but it feel so familiar and good and I want him to tell me he still wants me, for real though. If only it was real, the second we're behind the press door his hand drops and he slicks his hair back. He never says anything, just keeps his cool, because he can. I look at him, and cry as he walks away, and back to his dressing room.
I walk to mine and cry some more, and sometimes Tomo is there, though mostly I'm alone. Seiko sends flowers every day, and I'm fighting back the urge to beg him to take me back, how pathetic. Chara, the siren, thrown aside by the guitar samurai just another foreigner that learned her place.
But its still there, the pain.
and I want to reach for him everyday, smiling, and pretending.
"its almost over you know," Tomo strokes my head as I lead on him on the bus. I cry silently and nod my head. my head just wants to escape into a drug induced world like that night in Paris, where everything was a blur, where I could leave my body and give everything to him, and he wanted me. He wanted everything from me, There's something wrong with me, I snap at myself, I cry harder now, I cant help it, it leaves my throat in a painful groan that I cant help but try to silence and I sound like a dying animal, he flashes into my mind every time I close my eyes. Blinking helps until I realize that my heart is screaming, because he's going to me holding me the way Tomo is now, in just afew hours the charade will continue. "I'm dying" I manage to squeak out.
Tomo holds my hand and gives it a squeeze. He starts singing to me a lullaby in Japanese and I manage to fall asleep, giving me a break from the tears, I drift into the white and fall into a dream.
I'm telling Masake to let me go, its like an old Hollywood movie, I'm on my knees and he's holding me telling me to get up, but I can't. "Why can't you just let me go?" I scream at him, but he's looking at me in tears, "just love me, all you gotta do is love me." I can't believe it, I want to get him off of me, out of my apartment, I'm pushing him now, and he holds me harder, "Penny Dove,"
I wake up as the car comes to a stop, "Here?" I moan out, my voice still a little affected from the crying. "here, " Tomo, pulls me up and we meet Seiko at the front of the bus, she scans my face and gives me a small hug. "We're almost done you know, just three more of these, maybe two,"
"why maybe?" I'm curious though, I have a headache from the stress and I pull my jacket on from the front cabin exit hanger. "It might rain at the Dome, they don't know, but if it rains we're not doing the gig, Seiko is pretty sick still." Seiko nods and pulls up her medical mask, that makes her look like a skeleton from the nose down, I laugh a little but agree, "You will survive Seiko, but I would rather not play the last show, I'm very spent as it is," Seiko nods, "Tekai.com says you're on drugs," We all laugh, "if only that were true." Tomo ads, we laugh and I cry a little remembering what is the true cause.
"Hey now," Seiko pats my head, "We're almost done, put your game face on and go do that interview, talk about the foundation that we're helping and in fact don't cuddle up with Masake this time, how that there's a distance now, its almost over I bet he'll do the same thing." We walk out of the bus as it comes to a complete stop and march out towards the back entrance of the venue. "Rayshuu Disco?" I read the name in the back service door. "
The day proceeded as it always does. We rehearse like we always do, We have dinner inside the venue, the winners of the meet and greet come to get their merchandise and signatures pictures and testimony videos for the website and we tell them we will make them proud. The foundation interview is next, I ask Mikiru to do a very smokey eye, Seiko suggests a black clip ins to make me look more darker, "I agree. I want to look like I'm going insane" They both Laugh and Seiko puts some in her hair as well, " We in this together yo!" after make up I put on a an outfit that is more suited for Seiko, but this is me trying to be stronger, so I rock it the way she would, that crossed walking chains and leather all over my body, these heels are bothering me, but the guns at the bottom make me look very gangster, so I try to embody this person, Chara, of ZeNa.
"Woah, you look smoking hot," The interviewer is a woman, thankfully, so I take the compliment and do a twirl. "Thanks, Ayumi, its good to see you again," I turn to Masake, whose jaw is hanging open for a split second and he pulls me in, but I stop him from pulling me too far in, and he gives me a kiss on the cheek," I look at him, and yes, I fight back a tear and smile, hysterical, I climb within my insecurities and declare them to be armor. I pull away and continue the interview as if it's a casual conversation with my mother. It's awkward and I cant tell her all the details, and though I recall the way she would ask about who I was dating, I simply shrug and tell her "I don't know if he's my boyfriend yet,"
It's a little strange, but when the interview is over, I know, that this is over, me and Masake. It was never going to work, and yet I kept clinging onto a hope that it would.
I want to return to three months ago, when I started thinking the things I feel inside my heart today. Can you hear it? The ringing of the bell in my heart?
As I get into the elevator to leave the building, he enters as it closes, I look at him fully, unafraid and daring. "You could have taken the next one," I say coyly, I am resentful now, I wasn't expecting that.
He looks at me, worried, an expression I've seen before, the first time he called out to me.
"It's her isn't it, the girl I first laid eyes on,"
he tries to touch me but I draw backwards the elevator stopping on the 4rd floor throw my balance and his, we return to earth. "No, this is just who I've always been,"
He smiles the doors open, nothing. We look back at the reflection of the doors as they close, metallic and gray, just like our relationship now. I whisper in that way I talk, but he can make it out, "I wish I never did this, whatever happened, happened, and I cant erase it, but I deserve better too, not just you." He scoffs a bit and looks down, a smirk, but I can tell hes tearing up, because I know those buttons and how to push them, "Chara, if only you knew, you knew everything."
"I know enough, and I know that that wasn't what you wanted, and its okay, it's already happened, and you seem to be very happy with Sayu, and I get it. I'm getting off this elevator, and I'm not looking back, and that is all. Okay?"
He looks away and says nothing, unlike him, but it's what has to be done. I get off immediately as the door open, afraid I'm not strong enough, this was the last day I had to do publicity, tomorrow will circulate that we've become distant, and in a month we'll be publically broken up, some excuse or other, but the real reason, remains. I wasn't enough for him, too foreign, too weird, whatever it is, its over now.
December, A change.
The train ride home was everything to me, Tomo's birthday in a private cart full of beer, and fried chicken and candy from Australia that Emily just happened to bring in her traveling kit. I know she cares a lot for Tomo, I wonder if she's in love with him, but then again I recall that Emily is just the best, this is so typical of her not everything has to be sexualized Chara! I grab my phone in a drunken state and call Haruka. I'm feeling a longing for him, like I did that first night he came to see me in Paris. Its not the smartest thing to do, but I miss him, and I feel complete when he's with me. I curl up into a single seat in the back at the band is singing old Japanese legends anthems in the front, Seiko leading them, he picks up.
"Mars, you're calling me first? You drunk?"
"Yesssss!!!!" I giggle hysterically, it's obvious.
"What on earth, are you at least back in Tokyo?"
"Nope nope nope nooooope! Haru.....Saturn....I wanna kiss you " I start to black out a bit, I recall kissing the phone and talking about something that happened back in Los Angeles, but I don't remember, I just remember what he says, "Yeah,....and how was that? You better not wake up on the floor....can you count for me though?.....Are you still awake?...Chara....Chara...." It's like a rhythmic chant inside my head, his voice is soothing and it's love to me, and I know that I should've agreed to run away with him that day on the pier, but I was scared, and I wanted to slight him, the way he did to me with Nana. I begin to dream about him, I feel the pull of it, the darkness that connects us both now in a never ending gasm of solitude. We waited here for each other, and now we found our truths. I found a string attached to my left rib, index it, like it came from a hot warm thing inside my chest, it pulled me closer to Haruka and when I pulled away it hurt. I could see it hurt him too, I knew it was always there. That connection, the love, the depth of it scares me, because its unreal, just how much this love means to me. I find myself back inside my body, and the rummaging of the images inside my head, nestle and being to take shape before my eyes. "Seiko?"
She pulls me off the floor and leads me back to the daybed I lay down as she tells me we're almost there. "Remember Tomo's first birthday we celebrated?" Laughing I did, still drunk , "The Halloween party, how would I forget, you dressed up like an angels and I was a demon, I'd never worn red contacts before," She smiled and took a selfie of us to post on her blog.
"You looked so good you know, but that's who you are, this fierceness inside you that can't be contained."
"Seiko," I took her hand and squeezed it, "Why are you always giving such amazing peps talks? I feel like youre my number one fan and I don't deserve it," Seiko laughed and slapped my head, "Bitch, you my best friend, and I know that the voices in your head get to you, My gramma was like that, I know sometimes you wanna tell them theyre wrong but you can't, So I gotta tell you, and I'm okay with that because look where we are." She hinted out the window and I saw the lights of Tokyo in the distance, the city was marvelous and the buildings around and the forest all speeding past us.
"Los Angeles was where we came from, we are now one of the top bands in this City, we're looking at a life we never knew we could have."
"Do you ever get nervous like, it will all end tomorrow?"
She shook her head calmly, "I just don't see that happening, Maybe if we were like Julians band remember, they had one hit and that was it, but we've done so much already, and I want to keep going, don't you?"
I thought about it then, how this would never be over, and in that moment I agreed with her. When your life has been spent living on the kitchen floor holding your guts inside you body, waiting for the next blow it's hard to believe it wont come. Maybe when it does itll come down so hard I wont see coming. That will be the day I know I'll never get up from that floor.
It hasn't come out yet, and I hold his hand at press releases, still in love, and pathetic, when he kisses my cheek I yearn for a deeper kiss, and yeah I know its fake, but it feel so familiar and good and I want him to tell me he still wants me, for real though. If only it was real, the second we're behind the press door his hand drops and he slicks his hair back. He never says anything, just keeps his cool, because he can. I look at him, and cry as he walks away, and back to his dressing room.
I walk to mine and cry some more, and sometimes Tomo is there, though mostly I'm alone. Seiko sends flowers every day, and I'm fighting back the urge to beg him to take me back, how pathetic. Chara, the siren, thrown aside by the guitar samurai just another foreigner that learned her place.
But its still there, the pain.
and I want to reach for him everyday, smiling, and pretending.
"its almost over you know," Tomo strokes my head as I lead on him on the bus. I cry silently and nod my head. my head just wants to escape into a drug induced world like that night in Paris, where everything was a blur, where I could leave my body and give everything to him, and he wanted me. He wanted everything from me, There's something wrong with me, I snap at myself, I cry harder now, I cant help it, it leaves my throat in a painful groan that I cant help but try to silence and I sound like a dying animal, he flashes into my mind every time I close my eyes. Blinking helps until I realize that my heart is screaming, because he's going to me holding me the way Tomo is now, in just afew hours the charade will continue. "I'm dying" I manage to squeak out.
Tomo holds my hand and gives it a squeeze. He starts singing to me a lullaby in Japanese and I manage to fall asleep, giving me a break from the tears, I drift into the white and fall into a dream.
I'm telling Masake to let me go, its like an old Hollywood movie, I'm on my knees and he's holding me telling me to get up, but I can't. "Why can't you just let me go?" I scream at him, but he's looking at me in tears, "just love me, all you gotta do is love me." I can't believe it, I want to get him off of me, out of my apartment, I'm pushing him now, and he holds me harder, "Penny Dove,"
I wake up as the car comes to a stop, "Here?" I moan out, my voice still a little affected from the crying. "here, " Tomo, pulls me up and we meet Seiko at the front of the bus, she scans my face and gives me a small hug. "We're almost done you know, just three more of these, maybe two,"
"why maybe?" I'm curious though, I have a headache from the stress and I pull my jacket on from the front cabin exit hanger. "It might rain at the Dome, they don't know, but if it rains we're not doing the gig, Seiko is pretty sick still." Seiko nods and pulls up her medical mask, that makes her look like a skeleton from the nose down, I laugh a little but agree, "You will survive Seiko, but I would rather not play the last show, I'm very spent as it is," Seiko nods, "Tekai.com says you're on drugs," We all laugh, "if only that were true." Tomo ads, we laugh and I cry a little remembering what is the true cause.
"Hey now," Seiko pats my head, "We're almost done, put your game face on and go do that interview, talk about the foundation that we're helping and in fact don't cuddle up with Masake this time, how that there's a distance now, its almost over I bet he'll do the same thing." We walk out of the bus as it comes to a complete stop and march out towards the back entrance of the venue. "Rayshuu Disco?" I read the name in the back service door. "
The day proceeded as it always does. We rehearse like we always do, We have dinner inside the venue, the winners of the meet and greet come to get their merchandise and signatures pictures and testimony videos for the website and we tell them we will make them proud. The foundation interview is next, I ask Mikiru to do a very smokey eye, Seiko suggests a black clip ins to make me look more darker, "I agree. I want to look like I'm going insane" They both Laugh and Seiko puts some in her hair as well, " We in this together yo!" after make up I put on a an outfit that is more suited for Seiko, but this is me trying to be stronger, so I rock it the way she would, that crossed walking chains and leather all over my body, these heels are bothering me, but the guns at the bottom make me look very gangster, so I try to embody this person, Chara, of ZeNa.
"Woah, you look smoking hot," The interviewer is a woman, thankfully, so I take the compliment and do a twirl. "Thanks, Ayumi, its good to see you again," I turn to Masake, whose jaw is hanging open for a split second and he pulls me in, but I stop him from pulling me too far in, and he gives me a kiss on the cheek," I look at him, and yes, I fight back a tear and smile, hysterical, I climb within my insecurities and declare them to be armor. I pull away and continue the interview as if it's a casual conversation with my mother. It's awkward and I cant tell her all the details, and though I recall the way she would ask about who I was dating, I simply shrug and tell her "I don't know if he's my boyfriend yet,"
It's a little strange, but when the interview is over, I know, that this is over, me and Masake. It was never going to work, and yet I kept clinging onto a hope that it would.
I want to return to three months ago, when I started thinking the things I feel inside my heart today. Can you hear it? The ringing of the bell in my heart?
As I get into the elevator to leave the building, he enters as it closes, I look at him fully, unafraid and daring. "You could have taken the next one," I say coyly, I am resentful now, I wasn't expecting that.
He looks at me, worried, an expression I've seen before, the first time he called out to me.
"It's her isn't it, the girl I first laid eyes on,"
he tries to touch me but I draw backwards the elevator stopping on the 4rd floor throw my balance and his, we return to earth. "No, this is just who I've always been,"
He smiles the doors open, nothing. We look back at the reflection of the doors as they close, metallic and gray, just like our relationship now. I whisper in that way I talk, but he can make it out, "I wish I never did this, whatever happened, happened, and I cant erase it, but I deserve better too, not just you." He scoffs a bit and looks down, a smirk, but I can tell hes tearing up, because I know those buttons and how to push them, "Chara, if only you knew, you knew everything."
"I know enough, and I know that that wasn't what you wanted, and its okay, it's already happened, and you seem to be very happy with Sayu, and I get it. I'm getting off this elevator, and I'm not looking back, and that is all. Okay?"
He looks away and says nothing, unlike him, but it's what has to be done. I get off immediately as the door open, afraid I'm not strong enough, this was the last day I had to do publicity, tomorrow will circulate that we've become distant, and in a month we'll be publically broken up, some excuse or other, but the real reason, remains. I wasn't enough for him, too foreign, too weird, whatever it is, its over now.
December, A change.
The train ride home was everything to me, Tomo's birthday in a private cart full of beer, and fried chicken and candy from Australia that Emily just happened to bring in her traveling kit. I know she cares a lot for Tomo, I wonder if she's in love with him, but then again I recall that Emily is just the best, this is so typical of her not everything has to be sexualized Chara! I grab my phone in a drunken state and call Haruka. I'm feeling a longing for him, like I did that first night he came to see me in Paris. Its not the smartest thing to do, but I miss him, and I feel complete when he's with me. I curl up into a single seat in the back at the band is singing old Japanese legends anthems in the front, Seiko leading them, he picks up.
"Mars, you're calling me first? You drunk?"
"Yesssss!!!!" I giggle hysterically, it's obvious.
"What on earth, are you at least back in Tokyo?"
"Nope nope nope nooooope! Haru.....Saturn....I wanna kiss you " I start to black out a bit, I recall kissing the phone and talking about something that happened back in Los Angeles, but I don't remember, I just remember what he says, "Yeah,....and how was that? You better not wake up on the floor....can you count for me though?.....Are you still awake?...Chara....Chara...." It's like a rhythmic chant inside my head, his voice is soothing and it's love to me, and I know that I should've agreed to run away with him that day on the pier, but I was scared, and I wanted to slight him, the way he did to me with Nana. I begin to dream about him, I feel the pull of it, the darkness that connects us both now in a never ending gasm of solitude. We waited here for each other, and now we found our truths. I found a string attached to my left rib, index it, like it came from a hot warm thing inside my chest, it pulled me closer to Haruka and when I pulled away it hurt. I could see it hurt him too, I knew it was always there. That connection, the love, the depth of it scares me, because its unreal, just how much this love means to me. I find myself back inside my body, and the rummaging of the images inside my head, nestle and being to take shape before my eyes. "Seiko?"
She pulls me off the floor and leads me back to the daybed I lay down as she tells me we're almost there. "Remember Tomo's first birthday we celebrated?" Laughing I did, still drunk , "The Halloween party, how would I forget, you dressed up like an angels and I was a demon, I'd never worn red contacts before," She smiled and took a selfie of us to post on her blog.
"You looked so good you know, but that's who you are, this fierceness inside you that can't be contained."
"Seiko," I took her hand and squeezed it, "Why are you always giving such amazing peps talks? I feel like youre my number one fan and I don't deserve it," Seiko laughed and slapped my head, "Bitch, you my best friend, and I know that the voices in your head get to you, My gramma was like that, I know sometimes you wanna tell them theyre wrong but you can't, So I gotta tell you, and I'm okay with that because look where we are." She hinted out the window and I saw the lights of Tokyo in the distance, the city was marvelous and the buildings around and the forest all speeding past us.
"Los Angeles was where we came from, we are now one of the top bands in this City, we're looking at a life we never knew we could have."
"Do you ever get nervous like, it will all end tomorrow?"
She shook her head calmly, "I just don't see that happening, Maybe if we were like Julians band remember, they had one hit and that was it, but we've done so much already, and I want to keep going, don't you?"
I thought about it then, how this would never be over, and in that moment I agreed with her. When your life has been spent living on the kitchen floor holding your guts inside you body, waiting for the next blow it's hard to believe it wont come. Maybe when it does itll come down so hard I wont see coming. That will be the day I know I'll never get up from that floor.
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