I remembered not so long ago, I read a comment a friend made of me and of Haruka, she called him my Terry.
I didn't understand it, until I asked Seiko, Seiko threw her entire collection of Candy Candy on my lap and I read them gradually as we toured in Hokkaido. I understood it then, that he was Terry, because he was just like him, his role in my life, but... did that make me Candy? Or Susannah?
Because he stayed with Susannah? The reason I'm with Haruka now has nothing to do with him being guilty of me, what of? But, If I'm Candy, does that mean...that I'll lose him some day?
Why didn't she run to Terry when she saw him on that stage? Why did it matter tht he had to stay with the girl who black mailed him into marrying her? Why? I do not understand it, if she really loved him she would have let him go, but i guess that's what Candy did, she let him go, because she loved him, because she felt guilty, because she felt her love reflected in another. the truth is that after Terry Candy's life was a grey world with a few sparkles, it's sad, but she chose that, he chose that, because they both have good hearts.
Then what does that say about me? I couldn't leave Haru to Nana, he was mine first, he became mine again, that does it then, I'm Susannah.
I told this to Seiko, she smacked me. No no, you are Candy, Susannah is Nana who did try to black mail him to stay with her , don't you remember it?
The truth is I faintly do, I was kind of drunk that day, I only remember Haruka being angry, really angry, Nana cried, and shouted, and I was against the wall of my room, crying as well.
"I'm sorry Nana, if I became Susannah, but the truth is that I really though I was Candy, my life was grey without him, when I found out he was with you, I didn't know what to do, because to me...there's only him." I sent her that message a week ago, and there is still no response, I guess that's it then, I don't think Nana will talk to me again, even though I feel the weight of the ring on my finger, I feel the weight on my heart sink deeper into the black hole that became my soul.
What is it then? A joke, a lie? I don't understand, why did he have to be with her? Couldn't he wait for me? couldn't he write to me, to call me, or to forget me entirely. Ever since he knew I and Taka were no more there he was, pestering, pestering, helping me, talking, laughing, singing, playing, what could I do ?
My heart was happy with him there, my heart was all that mattered to me then, now I'm so ashamed that Haruka became more important to me than my friends, I'm sorry, but I just I can't come to terms that this world is real, if he's not here beside me, if he isn't here, then where would he be? Would he feel the same?
I fell to Taka's charms because you weren't there to protect me, my heart was so frail after you, I'm sorry it took so long to conquer me, I'm sorry my love is so hard to gain, but it is there again now, and as you wept into that mirror, I remember it quite vividly. You looked at me, at you, at us, and saw it, the same thing I saw when we walked the old rail roads of the Los Angeles streets, pas that mural and the shimmering of the setting sun, I saw my life, smiling, asking me to walk a little slower so that he could catch up, my Saturn, my breath, if I could not have you with me, I would probably just be all by myself, it isn't that I think myself too highly to be with anyone else. But it is that, you were my true love, I've had a first love, and they came and went, no meaning. When you came into my life that glowing corona in my world burned brightly, and alive i became her, the girl with the fiery eyes. That parting between Terry and Candy, all he could do was hug her, and tell her that he wished time would freeze, so that he would hold her forever, he never wanted to let her go, and as she ran away from the pain, she never looked back.
Loosing Taka for me, was one of the most painful things I ever had to go through, but somehow I knew I would survive. When I saw Haruka with Nana, I felt nothing. I knew that was worse than feeling pain, worse than anything, because when he walked out with her, and looked back to see me, I knew it then, he was mine.
Writing my music so early, if I wait for him to wake up my muse is gone, and my words become a little meaningless.
In a way, I am thankful that I was selfish enough to keep him with me, the one he loved, if I had let him stay with Nana because of his guilt for her nothing would be resolved, and we would all be in pain.
I didn't understand it, until I asked Seiko, Seiko threw her entire collection of Candy Candy on my lap and I read them gradually as we toured in Hokkaido. I understood it then, that he was Terry, because he was just like him, his role in my life, but... did that make me Candy? Or Susannah?
Because he stayed with Susannah? The reason I'm with Haruka now has nothing to do with him being guilty of me, what of? But, If I'm Candy, does that mean...that I'll lose him some day?
Why didn't she run to Terry when she saw him on that stage? Why did it matter tht he had to stay with the girl who black mailed him into marrying her? Why? I do not understand it, if she really loved him she would have let him go, but i guess that's what Candy did, she let him go, because she loved him, because she felt guilty, because she felt her love reflected in another. the truth is that after Terry Candy's life was a grey world with a few sparkles, it's sad, but she chose that, he chose that, because they both have good hearts.
Then what does that say about me? I couldn't leave Haru to Nana, he was mine first, he became mine again, that does it then, I'm Susannah.
I told this to Seiko, she smacked me. No no, you are Candy, Susannah is Nana who did try to black mail him to stay with her , don't you remember it?
The truth is I faintly do, I was kind of drunk that day, I only remember Haruka being angry, really angry, Nana cried, and shouted, and I was against the wall of my room, crying as well.
"I'm sorry Nana, if I became Susannah, but the truth is that I really though I was Candy, my life was grey without him, when I found out he was with you, I didn't know what to do, because to me...there's only him." I sent her that message a week ago, and there is still no response, I guess that's it then, I don't think Nana will talk to me again, even though I feel the weight of the ring on my finger, I feel the weight on my heart sink deeper into the black hole that became my soul.
What is it then? A joke, a lie? I don't understand, why did he have to be with her? Couldn't he wait for me? couldn't he write to me, to call me, or to forget me entirely. Ever since he knew I and Taka were no more there he was, pestering, pestering, helping me, talking, laughing, singing, playing, what could I do ?
My heart was happy with him there, my heart was all that mattered to me then, now I'm so ashamed that Haruka became more important to me than my friends, I'm sorry, but I just I can't come to terms that this world is real, if he's not here beside me, if he isn't here, then where would he be? Would he feel the same?
I fell to Taka's charms because you weren't there to protect me, my heart was so frail after you, I'm sorry it took so long to conquer me, I'm sorry my love is so hard to gain, but it is there again now, and as you wept into that mirror, I remember it quite vividly. You looked at me, at you, at us, and saw it, the same thing I saw when we walked the old rail roads of the Los Angeles streets, pas that mural and the shimmering of the setting sun, I saw my life, smiling, asking me to walk a little slower so that he could catch up, my Saturn, my breath, if I could not have you with me, I would probably just be all by myself, it isn't that I think myself too highly to be with anyone else. But it is that, you were my true love, I've had a first love, and they came and went, no meaning. When you came into my life that glowing corona in my world burned brightly, and alive i became her, the girl with the fiery eyes. That parting between Terry and Candy, all he could do was hug her, and tell her that he wished time would freeze, so that he would hold her forever, he never wanted to let her go, and as she ran away from the pain, she never looked back.
Loosing Taka for me, was one of the most painful things I ever had to go through, but somehow I knew I would survive. When I saw Haruka with Nana, I felt nothing. I knew that was worse than feeling pain, worse than anything, because when he walked out with her, and looked back to see me, I knew it then, he was mine.
Writing my music so early, if I wait for him to wake up my muse is gone, and my words become a little meaningless.
In a way, I am thankful that I was selfish enough to keep him with me, the one he loved, if I had let him stay with Nana because of his guilt for her nothing would be resolved, and we would all be in pain.
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