I think it's October now, not that I'm confused on months or anything, of course not, my days aren't blurring together at all, not like they used to.Those autopilot days seemed so surreal, and now I feel a tangibility, grounded, profound within myself. I feel real.
Is that believable? I hope so, I need to sound sane for a change, and for a change I also need to stop looking at my phone on the way to the studio. The company car comes, I get in, sometimes I see Seiko, sometimes Tomo, sometimes Erin, or even Mika. I never see Masake.
Paris is a blur, a dream almost.
Though I regret leaving, I promised myself that I would never allow another man to use my body as a punching bag, that is absolute. I should have made that vow when I i left home the night I can never escape, no mater how long its been, I should have learned from that, love doesn’t injure beyond repair and survive.
Is that believable? I hope so, I need to sound sane for a change, and for a change I also need to stop looking at my phone on the way to the studio. The company car comes, I get in, sometimes I see Seiko, sometimes Tomo, sometimes Erin, or even Mika. I never see Masake.
Paris is a blur, a dream almost.
Though I regret leaving, I promised myself that I would never allow another man to use my body as a punching bag, that is absolute. I should have made that vow when I i left home the night I can never escape, no mater how long its been, I should have learned from that, love doesn’t injure beyond repair and survive.
Masake high and angry, and I don't want to live that way ever again, I want more than that, and now that I think about it, it hurts me more, his eyes, my head against the wall, the cracking sound of bones. The worst you can see of someone you loved. It's passed now, I feel lighter from all that weight, and lying to myself, I'm done.
I'm on the floor of the elevator with my hands over my head when I hear him, "Mars?"
I look up to those beautiful eyes that even now make me feel secure. I don't hesitate I throw myself into his arms and Haruka accepts me. The only arms that made me feel safe, I can't stop the crying and somewhere in between all of that I'm at his studio room asking him why my life is such as a mess.
"I just want....I just want to wake up from this nightmare I'm having, every bit of it, and when I was in Paris I wasn't myself, I was disgusted with the person I became, and the person I loved...why can't I have someone that just wants happiness like I do?"
Haruka patted my head and sighed, "How bad was it?"
"Bad, like I was being strangled."
"He strangled you? "
"The first time, I thought it was the drugs, but then ....it always was."
I told him about the raves, the underground parties, the private sessions, this other world i was suddenly a part of, the substances I indulged in. The deepening of my sadness, after my miscarriage I stopped caring what harm was being done to my body. It was Masake’s hands on my body, sweet or violent, I thought it was something I had to endure because I couldn’t keep a baby in my body.
I look up to those beautiful eyes that even now make me feel secure. I don't hesitate I throw myself into his arms and Haruka accepts me. The only arms that made me feel safe, I can't stop the crying and somewhere in between all of that I'm at his studio room asking him why my life is such as a mess.
"I just want....I just want to wake up from this nightmare I'm having, every bit of it, and when I was in Paris I wasn't myself, I was disgusted with the person I became, and the person I loved...why can't I have someone that just wants happiness like I do?"
Haruka patted my head and sighed, "How bad was it?"
"Bad, like I was being strangled."
"He strangled you? "
"The first time, I thought it was the drugs, but then ....it always was."
I told him about the raves, the underground parties, the private sessions, this other world i was suddenly a part of, the substances I indulged in. The deepening of my sadness, after my miscarriage I stopped caring what harm was being done to my body. It was Masake’s hands on my body, sweet or violent, I thought it was something I had to endure because I couldn’t keep a baby in my body.
Then about Sayu, how she was there the whole time, and how it seemed like he was tormenting me on purpose. He couldn't believe it, he muttered something under his breath and took his phone out, with his good hand he started texting something, then looked up at me. “I’m sorry, I just…Saga mentioned something about her coming out of your apartment where we went to get you here this morning, him and Seiko were getting all your things, well the things you need like passport, phone, some clothes…is there anything else we need to get?”
I kept rubbing the spot on my head where I was pushed against the wall and recalled what made Masake so angry.
“She would come by when I was high, passed out, i couldn’t move, and I could hear them there…in our bed.”
His face fell in his hands again, the disbelief in his eyes, and the pain as I realized what was happening this whole time. Thinking the whole time Masake loved me, saying it out loud, I really was just being used. It awakened a new pain inside me I was holding back, I couldn’t stop the weeping that came soon after…
Because I knew the catalyst…
"I lost it again,...the one thing he wanted from me more than myself."
"Chara, the things we have are things we can lose, and whatever happened in Paris, I will never judge you for any of that.” he embraced me there, passers by gawking, who cares. I felt the warth of his security, and like I could finally just rest. Looking to see those beautiful eyes, the ones I recall on beach someplace.
"I lost it again,...the one thing he wanted from me more than myself."
"Chara, the things we have are things we can lose, and whatever happened in Paris, I will never judge you for any of that.” he embraced me there, passers by gawking, who cares. I felt the warth of his security, and like I could finally just rest. Looking to see those beautiful eyes, the ones I recall on beach someplace.
“Will you stay with me, through it all? The circus that’s coming? Is that okay with you? Is it a lot to ask?" He held me closer and breathed.
"You called, and I came, and Im not leaving, ever again.”
his words were comforting and opened my eyes, there came that moment, and a sincerity in him, but no, we agreed to be friends again, and I can't read too much into this, but I want to, and so I rest my head on his chest, he doesn't reject me, and I somehow feel at ease and fall into a slumber, when I wake up he's there, right there, just looking at me.
"Sorry, how long was I out?" We were at his place, I don't recall any of it, the last of the detox must've been in my system.
"Not sure, I fell asleep after you did; woke up a few minutes ago."
I was another person, in another life, if I had him still, we'd be in our own house, with children, maybe, married, and this would be a regular occurrence.
I want him to kiss me, and to tell me he made a mistake when he left me, and that he's thought about only me all these years, but I'm so greedy, I recall Masake's words. "Just what do you want me to do for you that I haven't already and that doesn't come close to the image you have of me?"
I pushed away from Haruka, but as I was getting up to leave he pulls me back, and I fall back into his arms because I didn't expect it, and despite the slush I take in the morning to wean the remainder of the drugs out, I'm still very weak. and here he was me, and he takes my hands and kisses it. "You will always have my heart, my body, and my soul, and I want to love you, if you will let me, even if you don't I still love you Charlotte, I always have, always will, always."
I kiss him as reply, and it began again, the spring inside my heart, and it felt so real, and I loved him all this time, it felt like I've unshackled my heart, and I melted, and he kissed me so sweet and so soft. His kisses remained kisses, because he understands my body, and knows that it isn't so easy for me to move forward like this, so he stopped and asked me to give him a proper answer. I took a ring from my finger and placed it in his hand. "I am yours, and you are mine, and that is that is everything Ive ever wanted."
"You called, and I came, and Im not leaving, ever again.”
his words were comforting and opened my eyes, there came that moment, and a sincerity in him, but no, we agreed to be friends again, and I can't read too much into this, but I want to, and so I rest my head on his chest, he doesn't reject me, and I somehow feel at ease and fall into a slumber, when I wake up he's there, right there, just looking at me.
"Sorry, how long was I out?" We were at his place, I don't recall any of it, the last of the detox must've been in my system.
"Not sure, I fell asleep after you did; woke up a few minutes ago."
I was another person, in another life, if I had him still, we'd be in our own house, with children, maybe, married, and this would be a regular occurrence.
I want him to kiss me, and to tell me he made a mistake when he left me, and that he's thought about only me all these years, but I'm so greedy, I recall Masake's words. "Just what do you want me to do for you that I haven't already and that doesn't come close to the image you have of me?"
I pushed away from Haruka, but as I was getting up to leave he pulls me back, and I fall back into his arms because I didn't expect it, and despite the slush I take in the morning to wean the remainder of the drugs out, I'm still very weak. and here he was me, and he takes my hands and kisses it. "You will always have my heart, my body, and my soul, and I want to love you, if you will let me, even if you don't I still love you Charlotte, I always have, always will, always."
I kiss him as reply, and it began again, the spring inside my heart, and it felt so real, and I loved him all this time, it felt like I've unshackled my heart, and I melted, and he kissed me so sweet and so soft. His kisses remained kisses, because he understands my body, and knows that it isn't so easy for me to move forward like this, so he stopped and asked me to give him a proper answer. I took a ring from my finger and placed it in his hand. "I am yours, and you are mine, and that is that is everything Ive ever wanted."
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