It was the second night in my family home, New Years Eve was tomorrow, but we arrived in time for Christmas dinner. Chara's mom invited her to spent Chirstmas Eve with them, but she declined, I told her I'd go with her, help her through it because I wanted to know more about her. It was a farm style peach colored home, a worn white picket fence, a huge willow hung over the house pleasantly, and in the chill the blue glowing lights gave a bit of christmas cheer mixed with the jollyness of a funeral home, turthfully it reminded me of...well, her. "Any pointers?" I asked before she knocked on the door, she hesitated and solemnly replied with eye contact, something rare. "Don't ask too much about me, please." So she knew. My heart tightened, just what is it that made that candy coated heart of hers shell up into a jaw breaker? I can't get through it no matter how hard I try. I tried to pick up my emotions as her sister answered the door, and there Tomo's brother Howard right behind her. "Charls! for the first time I saw Chara's face light up at a member of her family. "Art, I missed you, oh Howard, is Tomo here too?" He gave her a slight hug as her sister leaned in to hug me, "Haruka, nice to see you, I trust Chara's recent test results were thanks to you right?" embarrased at the compliment I denied it and praised Chara. "Oh that cannot be true, she's very smart but arithmatic is hard for a girl who left her textbook in my trunk," we looked at eachother and laughed. "I just happened to know a lot on the subject, it takes a lot of effort to memorize those fomulas, she's a smart girl." I looked over at Chara, I love her, that expression, I wonder if she loves me too. I'll have to think about it later because this was just the tip of the iceberg. Chara's family is huge, not in size, but in numbers, there's so many cousins and aunts, I get some spanish here and there, not a single Japanese relatieve here, I want to ask but it isn't my place to make her uncomfortable, but to be here with her. She lead me to her room at the back of the house, that's when I noticed it, a deadbolt. I looked away quickly and she lead me in with her back against it trying to cover it up. I don't wanna do it here, ask her when she can't run away...not yet. "I just want to see if I need anything, you can look around if you want.
Stepping into the lavender and black room, a spider web canopy on a princess style bed, the comforter was purple depressing magnolias back decals on the two pane sliding glass window a sheer white curtains on it, posters looked ripped some together of her japanese idols and bands, and something else. "Wow...you have every album, even the special edition Summer Of Loversoul tour 98,....you weren't kidding when you said you were a fan!" Excited next to me she showed me the figurine her sister bought her of Naoko the Loversoul mascot and the framed tickets from when she saw them live. "It was such a rush, I was stnading right in front of Michio he sings too, you just can't hear it." "Did you hear it?" She glowed. "Yeah, he's not any Tao, but his heart is in those words, "
"because he wrote them....and I felt emotion in that songs....'in this place where the cold wind blows...' I pulled her closer, "'Our hearts begin a new path.'"
I leaned in to kiss her, but I didn't want to risk being caught by her over protextie sister, and kissed her hair instead, its good im so tall. She grinned and pulled away. "I think I'm gonna change, you mind waiting in the living room?" "Chara?" "Yeah?" "I wanna ask you things,...I'm going to ask you things...but you're ready to answer them, but I wanna break through your barriers, are you gonna let me?"
She stared back at me, looked out to the hall and pulled me back in closing the door behind us. She lead me to a spot in her room where the posters were stacked on top of eachother behind the closet door that was left open she closed it and began to tear the posters away. She was tearing away limited additions I wanted to stop her but what was hiding behind that wall paralized me. the dry wall was cracked and broken, the size of a softball, and stained in a rusted color that looked like it was cleaned half way. "What is that?" My voice must have reflected my horridness because Chara's voice had the same tone. "I wanted to go out with some of my friends, freshman year. I didn't get permission, but my grades were really good, I sneaked out and got back around 10, not too late because I had school the next day. Went I came in through the window my Dad was in my room, He grabbed my hair and smahed me into the wall, she pulled her hair back and showed me the scar behind her ear. I never told my mom about that. Some girl pushed me into a locker the next day in school and it was blamed on that, lucky right?" I was speechless. We stood there in silence for a few seconds, I was thinking about what to say, but how could I comfort that? My parents always treated me well, even my step father and siblings, I've never been abused, I've never experienced fear from my parent...and it clicked to together, but then Chara rook off her shirt and stood in front of me with just her bra on. I looked away but she got emotional "Look!" I did. She had scars...not just one but multiple on her abdomen and her collar bone, a huge one under her ribcage. "You want me to let you in here? Well this is what you're asking for...I have a hideous body, and an even uglier past, whatever illusions you had of me being beautiful or pure are delusions, I didn't ask for any of this, not one thing, I tried to be good and this is what happens when you ask for it to stop it keeps happening and happening and no one can hear you scream and that's when you find yourself on a beach bleeding to death, the only kindness I've ever known was from my sister, my brother and my friends. My mother turns a blind eye to this and my father abuses me, that is what this is. If you think that is the end it's just the icing, and I'm sorry, but I'm not the one you want, I have too much baggage, I'm sorry." Chara stared blankly and I saw it, the expression of that....of "that girl on the beach....bleeding to death, until...a boy who's thinking about what more there is to life come across her, and calls an ambulance, and never see's her again, until...Halloween."
This confuses her, But the blank expression is recalling, and yes..."It was you?"I nodded, "Did you keep my jacket?" I see them rolling down her eyes and feel them down my cheeks, the tears. "I was meant to find you, my only soul." the words roll off my tongue and I'm covering Chara with the jacket I wore today. I'm kissing her with every ounce of love I have for her a deep kiss, a reassuring kiss, a kiss that conveys the depths of my soul. I pull her into my arms and breathe in her hair, she smells of cotton and jasmine. "I had a dream that girl was flying...she turned around and saw me and I realized I was flying too. Chara I don't want you because I thought you were perfect and unbroken, I regret everything that's happened to you and that I wasn't there to comfort you, to protect you to take you away from it. But I'm here now, and I'm going to give you all the love you deserve, I'm going to make up for those years, this room is like a jail cell, I want you to fly with me, and I'll be here, as your boyfriend, as your husband if you want...because I am sure that out of everything that I love you, and I'm not ashamed of that, that pain on the wall, dont cover it up it happened and you're strong enough to overcome that, these scars, they are reminders of the pain you endured and over came, and God has sent me to you, you weren't forsaken, sometimes...bad things happen and there's no rhyme or reason for it, but it has to all add up somehow. I wanna help heal these scars...will you let me?" I clung onto Charlotte tightly, so tightly infact that she had to cough out "I can't breathe." I pulled away fearing I hurt her but she had a smile...one would would wear when you see the sun rising, and I kissed her again. I let her change but she pulled me before I left me and gave me a hug, "I know it's gonna be hard...and I'm sorry, but I want to be with you too, thank you for being so good to me," I gave her a pat on the head and a smile. "I'm looking forward to it." Charlotte was not a very thin girl but the dress she chose to wear was from her old closet and cut higher making her look a size smaller, she admitted to me later that it was because it fit her tightly and I had a guy moment because when we danced a slow number later in the backyard near the bonfire her above than average chest rubbed against my waist, I suggested we get a drink before I had a real problem, it's time like these I wish she had a smaller chest, she wishes that too, and I think of her and that bra again, it wasn't lacy, it had a simple bow in the middle, not like...other girls, who dress to entice someone...in some ways Charlotte is very pure. I want to ask about her previous love life, and as her brother tells a funny story about work and we're toasting to his new promotion, I think that I haven't pressured Charlotte for sex, and how different she is to my previous relationships always wanting to do it.When we're together, we sing...her voice make me fly away to the moon and back, my guitar behind her driving the neighboors crazy, it was a cold night when I thought we would, but she pulled away, I promised I wouldnt do anything and pulled her in we were warm, I was perhaps too warm but soon enough I drifted off to sleep. The next day Saga asked if we had because he heard from Chara that I snored slightly and she's worried I might have a cold. "the first time I did it with Seiko I knew she would be dominant, sighs...as always, I'm quite used to it now, I wonder what it be like if she was as shy are im sure charlotte is." "I wouldn't know," "Not yet?" "No way, we just moved in together a month ago, that would be..." "too soon? you love the girl, im sure its hard." "it is but...I'm happy when she's happy, besides, I want to know something's first." "like if she's a virgin?" "yeah,...any pointers as to how without doing it?" "panties? I heard girls who arents dont wear white," "really? that is just a myth surely," "well try it but, Seiko told me it's the hips, if they are wider than other girls, it means she's not a virgin, try that next time." "Sighs.. this is very bad advice" "well sorry, really its up to you you dont need sex to be with someone, it's just a bonus, sex is to reproduce the fact that we use it for pleasure really, it's a blessing, see ya tomorrow the girls are here." I couldn't look Chara in the eye as we headed back to our apartment but something was different as well, I felt like I didn't pressure Chara into having sex for an obvious reason, I wanted to but it wasn't a necessity for being togehter, I loved Chara for various reasons but mostly, she made me want to be a better man, I think understanding your woman, is a bigger priority, and that darkness I wanna know why its there. Patiently I waited for her to open up and finally, today, here she did.
Chara's father wasn't at the party, he was working overtime or something, but as we were leaving to the hotel her mother asked us to stay the night,I made up an excuse for her "Sorry our train leaves very early in the morning and its right next to the station, but really, thank you everything was delicous." Her sister stayed the night and they had their moment, Howard pulled me aside and thanked me. "I worry about Charlotte, because Artemis worries alot for Charlotte, I just want to thank you and let you know that we really appreciate it." I smiled looking back at Chara, "It's good to know you worry, shows she still has people here who care, that makes me happy and I know it will make her feel happy, you take care of Art, she's a hell of a catch." she chuckled, "I don't plan to release that catch, I know a good thing when I find it, and seems you do too, have a safe trip up state, if you need run into trouble you can count on us." Howard gave me his card, scribbled with his house phone and her brother gave us a ride to the hotel near the station, we talked about his new position at the Honda, and as Chara was getting out he in soft words let me know that "Ive never seen my sister so happy, I wish she was like that here, but she never smiled like that before at home. If you hurt her....well you know I build cars...these aint plastic muscles." I chuckled earnest, "Blasphemy, I'll make her smile until she informs me it makes her sick, deal?" These words seem to reassure me and like Howard he gave me his card and stamp of approval, then he spoke in Japanese, "You have a safe journey, Haruka-san." I answered in Japanese, "Thanks, Nii-san." those words caught him off gaurd but we laughed it off, and Chara seemed annoyed as her brother hugged her goodbye. I asked what is was as we waved good bye. "He's reassuring me he know s a good place to dump your body when and if you dump me, really, too much." We laughed again, and that night we slept a few hours before heading to the station. Chara's hair is longer now, I see it in the rays of the grey sunbeams shinning through the dense clouded windows. After taking the train to San Fransisco I realized that Charlotte had never really had a childhood, I reflected on what i obserbed and what she told me, and I realized I had to let her in too, loving her is not enough, we were an hour from San Fran, in our cabin talking about our shoe size when I brought up what happened in her room and how she stared at that spot on the kitchen with such intent when her mother asked us to bring the napkins from the shelf above the oven. "The tile was rubber and bleached thorougly...but I still see myself there...see the dead bugs on the marble and the blood on my fingers is so warm....I thought I was gonna die before meeting Michio...before finding my true love, before finding my purpose in life and I was so scared Haruka. Scared that I would die like that. When my brother pulled him off I just ran....and I kept running." "Running makes it easier?" "Yes, I forget emotions when I run, just the speed and the rush the cold wind on my skin, my heart pounding wanting to explode but it never does."
"You ever just want to forget about it and run away?"
"I did once... I ran away, well sort of."
"Why, when?"
"I was four or five, and...I found my father in his work room, I was excited because he was on top of the desk so I thought he was hanging one of his experiments again, he did that sometimes, I wanted to play with them so I ran into the room and that's when I noticed he wasn't standing on his desk," I wanted to continue but there was a ball in my throat and I couldn't the room blured when I turned to Chara and I was sobbing into her shoulder and she cried with me.
"Did he leave a note, anything?"
"Yeah, He left my mom a note telling her to be happy, that he wouldn't shame her, but that he couldnt shame her anymore...see, my father had a male lover, his best friend for years, my uncle of sorts, he always gave me toys, for a while I saw him as my 'other father', but I think...it was my fault, I think I called him that once infront of my mother and she got very angry, a few months later dad ...went away.I dont talk about it alot, even though I got sent to many therapist, I never really opened up about it, but when I came here, Shou and Saga really helped me through it, even now I see Uncle Yuichi from time to time, he's never forgotten about me, Mom is very resenful towards him though, but its actually him who brought us here, I was getting bullied in Japan, and mom was looked down on, here we started fresh and a year later mom married my step dad, I gained two siblings, but I never connected well with them, it wasn't until Saga and Shou that I really had some happiness in my everday life, friends are important, at least mine, I consider them family." I pulled her in closer she wrapped her arms around me.
"I wanna be your family...I know it sounds crazy because we're so young...but I love you Haruka, I don't think it gets any better than you." She kissed me and got on top of me. of course this was an innocent gesture since the train compartment was small and she just wanted to get closer, but I reacted and pulled her off. "Sorry," no, "I'm sorry, It just..." time to be real before I make this worse. "I react you know...to you..so please, just... no more climbing."
, all I saw was her feminine side, like she was reborn. I couldn't help myself.
something in the way...she moves, it just attracts me.
Stepping into the lavender and black room, a spider web canopy on a princess style bed, the comforter was purple depressing magnolias back decals on the two pane sliding glass window a sheer white curtains on it, posters looked ripped some together of her japanese idols and bands, and something else. "Wow...you have every album, even the special edition Summer Of Loversoul tour 98,....you weren't kidding when you said you were a fan!" Excited next to me she showed me the figurine her sister bought her of Naoko the Loversoul mascot and the framed tickets from when she saw them live. "It was such a rush, I was stnading right in front of Michio he sings too, you just can't hear it." "Did you hear it?" She glowed. "Yeah, he's not any Tao, but his heart is in those words, "
"because he wrote them....and I felt emotion in that songs....'in this place where the cold wind blows...' I pulled her closer, "'Our hearts begin a new path.'"
I leaned in to kiss her, but I didn't want to risk being caught by her over protextie sister, and kissed her hair instead, its good im so tall. She grinned and pulled away. "I think I'm gonna change, you mind waiting in the living room?" "Chara?" "Yeah?" "I wanna ask you things,...I'm going to ask you things...but you're ready to answer them, but I wanna break through your barriers, are you gonna let me?"
She stared back at me, looked out to the hall and pulled me back in closing the door behind us. She lead me to a spot in her room where the posters were stacked on top of eachother behind the closet door that was left open she closed it and began to tear the posters away. She was tearing away limited additions I wanted to stop her but what was hiding behind that wall paralized me. the dry wall was cracked and broken, the size of a softball, and stained in a rusted color that looked like it was cleaned half way. "What is that?" My voice must have reflected my horridness because Chara's voice had the same tone. "I wanted to go out with some of my friends, freshman year. I didn't get permission, but my grades were really good, I sneaked out and got back around 10, not too late because I had school the next day. Went I came in through the window my Dad was in my room, He grabbed my hair and smahed me into the wall, she pulled her hair back and showed me the scar behind her ear. I never told my mom about that. Some girl pushed me into a locker the next day in school and it was blamed on that, lucky right?" I was speechless. We stood there in silence for a few seconds, I was thinking about what to say, but how could I comfort that? My parents always treated me well, even my step father and siblings, I've never been abused, I've never experienced fear from my parent...and it clicked to together, but then Chara rook off her shirt and stood in front of me with just her bra on. I looked away but she got emotional "Look!" I did. She had scars...not just one but multiple on her abdomen and her collar bone, a huge one under her ribcage. "You want me to let you in here? Well this is what you're asking for...I have a hideous body, and an even uglier past, whatever illusions you had of me being beautiful or pure are delusions, I didn't ask for any of this, not one thing, I tried to be good and this is what happens when you ask for it to stop it keeps happening and happening and no one can hear you scream and that's when you find yourself on a beach bleeding to death, the only kindness I've ever known was from my sister, my brother and my friends. My mother turns a blind eye to this and my father abuses me, that is what this is. If you think that is the end it's just the icing, and I'm sorry, but I'm not the one you want, I have too much baggage, I'm sorry." Chara stared blankly and I saw it, the expression of that....of "that girl on the beach....bleeding to death, until...a boy who's thinking about what more there is to life come across her, and calls an ambulance, and never see's her again, until...Halloween."
This confuses her, But the blank expression is recalling, and yes..."It was you?"I nodded, "Did you keep my jacket?" I see them rolling down her eyes and feel them down my cheeks, the tears. "I was meant to find you, my only soul." the words roll off my tongue and I'm covering Chara with the jacket I wore today. I'm kissing her with every ounce of love I have for her a deep kiss, a reassuring kiss, a kiss that conveys the depths of my soul. I pull her into my arms and breathe in her hair, she smells of cotton and jasmine. "I had a dream that girl was flying...she turned around and saw me and I realized I was flying too. Chara I don't want you because I thought you were perfect and unbroken, I regret everything that's happened to you and that I wasn't there to comfort you, to protect you to take you away from it. But I'm here now, and I'm going to give you all the love you deserve, I'm going to make up for those years, this room is like a jail cell, I want you to fly with me, and I'll be here, as your boyfriend, as your husband if you want...because I am sure that out of everything that I love you, and I'm not ashamed of that, that pain on the wall, dont cover it up it happened and you're strong enough to overcome that, these scars, they are reminders of the pain you endured and over came, and God has sent me to you, you weren't forsaken, sometimes...bad things happen and there's no rhyme or reason for it, but it has to all add up somehow. I wanna help heal these scars...will you let me?" I clung onto Charlotte tightly, so tightly infact that she had to cough out "I can't breathe." I pulled away fearing I hurt her but she had a smile...one would would wear when you see the sun rising, and I kissed her again. I let her change but she pulled me before I left me and gave me a hug, "I know it's gonna be hard...and I'm sorry, but I want to be with you too, thank you for being so good to me," I gave her a pat on the head and a smile. "I'm looking forward to it." Charlotte was not a very thin girl but the dress she chose to wear was from her old closet and cut higher making her look a size smaller, she admitted to me later that it was because it fit her tightly and I had a guy moment because when we danced a slow number later in the backyard near the bonfire her above than average chest rubbed against my waist, I suggested we get a drink before I had a real problem, it's time like these I wish she had a smaller chest, she wishes that too, and I think of her and that bra again, it wasn't lacy, it had a simple bow in the middle, not like...other girls, who dress to entice someone...in some ways Charlotte is very pure. I want to ask about her previous love life, and as her brother tells a funny story about work and we're toasting to his new promotion, I think that I haven't pressured Charlotte for sex, and how different she is to my previous relationships always wanting to do it.When we're together, we sing...her voice make me fly away to the moon and back, my guitar behind her driving the neighboors crazy, it was a cold night when I thought we would, but she pulled away, I promised I wouldnt do anything and pulled her in we were warm, I was perhaps too warm but soon enough I drifted off to sleep. The next day Saga asked if we had because he heard from Chara that I snored slightly and she's worried I might have a cold. "the first time I did it with Seiko I knew she would be dominant, sighs...as always, I'm quite used to it now, I wonder what it be like if she was as shy are im sure charlotte is." "I wouldn't know," "Not yet?" "No way, we just moved in together a month ago, that would be..." "too soon? you love the girl, im sure its hard." "it is but...I'm happy when she's happy, besides, I want to know something's first." "like if she's a virgin?" "yeah,...any pointers as to how without doing it?" "panties? I heard girls who arents dont wear white," "really? that is just a myth surely," "well try it but, Seiko told me it's the hips, if they are wider than other girls, it means she's not a virgin, try that next time." "Sighs.. this is very bad advice" "well sorry, really its up to you you dont need sex to be with someone, it's just a bonus, sex is to reproduce the fact that we use it for pleasure really, it's a blessing, see ya tomorrow the girls are here." I couldn't look Chara in the eye as we headed back to our apartment but something was different as well, I felt like I didn't pressure Chara into having sex for an obvious reason, I wanted to but it wasn't a necessity for being togehter, I loved Chara for various reasons but mostly, she made me want to be a better man, I think understanding your woman, is a bigger priority, and that darkness I wanna know why its there. Patiently I waited for her to open up and finally, today, here she did.
Chara's father wasn't at the party, he was working overtime or something, but as we were leaving to the hotel her mother asked us to stay the night,I made up an excuse for her "Sorry our train leaves very early in the morning and its right next to the station, but really, thank you everything was delicous." Her sister stayed the night and they had their moment, Howard pulled me aside and thanked me. "I worry about Charlotte, because Artemis worries alot for Charlotte, I just want to thank you and let you know that we really appreciate it." I smiled looking back at Chara, "It's good to know you worry, shows she still has people here who care, that makes me happy and I know it will make her feel happy, you take care of Art, she's a hell of a catch." she chuckled, "I don't plan to release that catch, I know a good thing when I find it, and seems you do too, have a safe trip up state, if you need run into trouble you can count on us." Howard gave me his card, scribbled with his house phone and her brother gave us a ride to the hotel near the station, we talked about his new position at the Honda, and as Chara was getting out he in soft words let me know that "Ive never seen my sister so happy, I wish she was like that here, but she never smiled like that before at home. If you hurt her....well you know I build cars...these aint plastic muscles." I chuckled earnest, "Blasphemy, I'll make her smile until she informs me it makes her sick, deal?" These words seem to reassure me and like Howard he gave me his card and stamp of approval, then he spoke in Japanese, "You have a safe journey, Haruka-san." I answered in Japanese, "Thanks, Nii-san." those words caught him off gaurd but we laughed it off, and Chara seemed annoyed as her brother hugged her goodbye. I asked what is was as we waved good bye. "He's reassuring me he know s a good place to dump your body when and if you dump me, really, too much." We laughed again, and that night we slept a few hours before heading to the station. Chara's hair is longer now, I see it in the rays of the grey sunbeams shinning through the dense clouded windows. After taking the train to San Fransisco I realized that Charlotte had never really had a childhood, I reflected on what i obserbed and what she told me, and I realized I had to let her in too, loving her is not enough, we were an hour from San Fran, in our cabin talking about our shoe size when I brought up what happened in her room and how she stared at that spot on the kitchen with such intent when her mother asked us to bring the napkins from the shelf above the oven. "The tile was rubber and bleached thorougly...but I still see myself there...see the dead bugs on the marble and the blood on my fingers is so warm....I thought I was gonna die before meeting Michio...before finding my true love, before finding my purpose in life and I was so scared Haruka. Scared that I would die like that. When my brother pulled him off I just ran....and I kept running." "Running makes it easier?" "Yes, I forget emotions when I run, just the speed and the rush the cold wind on my skin, my heart pounding wanting to explode but it never does."
"You ever just want to forget about it and run away?"
"I did once... I ran away, well sort of."
"Why, when?"
"I was four or five, and...I found my father in his work room, I was excited because he was on top of the desk so I thought he was hanging one of his experiments again, he did that sometimes, I wanted to play with them so I ran into the room and that's when I noticed he wasn't standing on his desk," I wanted to continue but there was a ball in my throat and I couldn't the room blured when I turned to Chara and I was sobbing into her shoulder and she cried with me.
"Did he leave a note, anything?"
"Yeah, He left my mom a note telling her to be happy, that he wouldn't shame her, but that he couldnt shame her anymore...see, my father had a male lover, his best friend for years, my uncle of sorts, he always gave me toys, for a while I saw him as my 'other father', but I think...it was my fault, I think I called him that once infront of my mother and she got very angry, a few months later dad ...went away.I dont talk about it alot, even though I got sent to many therapist, I never really opened up about it, but when I came here, Shou and Saga really helped me through it, even now I see Uncle Yuichi from time to time, he's never forgotten about me, Mom is very resenful towards him though, but its actually him who brought us here, I was getting bullied in Japan, and mom was looked down on, here we started fresh and a year later mom married my step dad, I gained two siblings, but I never connected well with them, it wasn't until Saga and Shou that I really had some happiness in my everday life, friends are important, at least mine, I consider them family." I pulled her in closer she wrapped her arms around me.
"I wanna be your family...I know it sounds crazy because we're so young...but I love you Haruka, I don't think it gets any better than you." She kissed me and got on top of me. of course this was an innocent gesture since the train compartment was small and she just wanted to get closer, but I reacted and pulled her off. "Sorry," no, "I'm sorry, It just..." time to be real before I make this worse. "I react you know...to you..so please, just... no more climbing."
, all I saw was her feminine side, like she was reborn. I couldn't help myself.
something in the way...she moves, it just attracts me.
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