//Haruka is not Haruka.

Haruka is witty and clever when he wants to be, though most of the time he's silent and reserved; as if a stoem is brewing behind those marbled eyes. When he's with me...I dont even see him as the same guy as he appears in interviews and onstage. That's his persona i guess, when he's with me. I see everything. The roundness of his face, the anxiety when i hold his hand, and when he embraces me at night, I definitely see him as no one else does.
So, has be asked me out, no, not really. He's in the process of divorcing Nana, and i know that his mother is upset with him, and so is the whole world, but, when I'm with him, he's happy, and I'm happy. So then...why are we having to sneak about, and no tell anyone who we are to eachother? I have a weekly webcast with my fans, in collaboration iwtht eh Amebafriends site, they pay me a lot to do it and I enjoy it. I share my day to day, reply to fan mail, and sometimes has contests, but when I got a fanmail about why I dont have a boyfriend, I have to always say "Who needs men when I'm living my dream and making my music for all you lovely people out there? Stop asking me about guys and ask me when my new single is dropping!"
The charasmatic me comes out, Chara takes over and I'm a powerful feminist that puts her career over love, how can I lie? when all these songs are about you?
About my struggle in dealing with the feelings you stir up in me. you stir me up!
and I...just want to hold your hand, anywhere, and everywhere.
Why is that so hard to comprehend?

I close the laptop and return to the sounding room. Seiko is inhere right now, she does back up vocals, and has a very angelic voice, but she doesn't like it much so she sticks to singing vocals for the back up sounds. It's very cute and pop sounding, which is why she dislikes it, I love it though, I wish I could sing like her.
She is done recording and see's me lay on the couch its only a matter of seconds that she comes and sits on the sofa beside me, with some papers. "Chara-chara-chan! Please look at the changes for the "Evans" track." I try to chuckle but its a sad excuse for a chuckle. "Stop calling it that, it's Evanescent, Evensncent, if you wanna pronounce it right." I sigh, and loo kit over. "You sad about something, usually you are, so what is it now, tell me tell me."
and I do.
"I've been sleeping with Haruka for the past three months, and I regret it now, that he's not yet divorced and that we've been hiding from everyone, not the sleeping but..."
"You guys are in love, nothing wrong with that, besides we all know."
"What? How?"
Seiko laughed cynically as she usually does when i make a statement or question that has an obviousness about it that she knows.
"Haruka used to be sad all da time, now he's shiny and all happy like he's been fixed, you used to cry all da tie, and I mean alll day time, and sigh just like that in L.A., and you're happier now, and sighing all da time, I know you losers are in love, it's easy."
I have to laugh at that, and sigh again.
"I want to ask you something wierd is that okay?

"Sure, wierdder da betta.

"Do you sleep with Saga often? "
"Oh yeah, all the time."
"How often is that?"
"Well we're married, and I have this baby in me , so we don't do it as much because of that, but I like doing other things, he's so hot I cant keep my hands off him, and he likes how sensitive I am....hehehehe he does things.." she's lost in her little world now but she returned to fd me embarassed for her. "Oh Charls it's just sexy time with the person you love, is that what you wanna know, if it changes once you get married?"
"Something like that...you know how I was with Masa,...he was very persistent."
"Yeah yeah, how coudld I forget, you were a different person fo sho with tda fool."
"I'm not like that with Haruka though and Im wondering....should I be?"
"Do you wanna be? just because you love him doesnt mean you have to desire him but you do need to feel like he's the reason your thighs are on fire and your heart ia beating a million ticks per minute. that doesnt happen?"

it does. "I think Im scared, if having another miscarriage, and thats affecting our,, what did you call it? sexy time."

"Ahh, yeah, Im very sorry about that Charls, I dont wanna be ...insensitive... with my...baby situation"
I smiled and rubbed her arm warmly, we are friends, this doesnt offend me at all. "Its not, trust me, im very happy for you both, you and Saga, you and the baby too, I love how psyched you are about it, did you find out the sex yet?"

"I dont wanna, I wanna raise a non bi baby, but Saga really wants to have a girl and name her Amaterasu, in honor of the goddess that he credits for the bands success. I dont know, hes a wierdo, a sexy wierdo"

"I think im deppressed, because i cant have a baby right now, maybe i never will"

"dont say that, theres' so many way these days, You will find the right time, it will happen, maybe you need some alone time with Haruka before you have one right? Make up for all the wasted years...you should take a tri p togethr, just the two of you...but not in Europe okay?"

I laughed, remembering Paris..."I dont think I'll ever go back to France, Seiko, I'm 23, and all I want it a family I can shape, I want Haruka to build it with me,"

"I want so many good things for you, but right now I want dinner, lets go get some"

 I agreed and we had a king crab for dinner. The perks of being in Hokkaido is definately the access to the crab, its so delicious and full of a flavour i can only describe as godly. I wanted her to stay over since Haru left for Tokyo and wouldnt be back until three days from now. "Oh I cant, I have a class to take with Saga tomorrow, how to care for baby this and that and the other thing, and we are shopping for a crib and bed, its a whole process really, i wish someone else could do it but you know, im crazy."

"Sounds fun really, Send pictures okay?" "you have a good night girl, maybe listen to the tracks we recorded and think of some lyrics to go? Evanescent EP is due next month," "Iill get ot it then, see yah" "bye mars!"