It was unfair frm the very begining, expecting too much from her.
in that summer when I fell in love, I knew it would only last for a little bit but still i wanted to be the one that brought such happiness into he ife if oniy for a litle while, I wanted to be everything she needed and in that sweet voice she;d call to me asking about my hopes and dreams and the occasional kiss. "My Mars," how far away that memory sems now like im viewing it in someone else's life, as if I can't recall the warmth of her skin, or the scent when she was sleeping, night flowers, star dust, berrilium, my rare star, my planet, my Mars.
"There are constant traces of lines going everywhere, stopping you, redirecting you, and you are powerless to defy them, I was powerless to stop, but I look back and there you are, catching up to me, you're beside me now, I want to reach for you, but the line doesn't let me, you look at me, and I know that it isn't over, that it was never over, and then you pass me, and my world breaks, there are no lines, only an empty void in which I can never leave, but I see you, running without me, on your own line, and finally you smile when you can't look back. "
The words came out suddenly, as I sturmmed the guitar, this song...makes my heart hurt.
I turn on the display on my phone to check the time, it's well past 2 am, Nana's sleeping in the bedroom and I am out here, writting songs about the love of my life, I really am a bad guy.
Chara must be in her apartment, working on her music as well, I wonder if she can see the stars from the city, these stars that make a path in the sky, full of hydrogen and gold, of her element, Beryllium, and the sweet scent, and taste....I miss her, then I remember that beryllium is poisonous, surely if I were to go now to her, it would poison me, in my heart, I can't forget her yet I don't want to leave Nana like this, but then, what kind of man does that make me? To leave her with an unborn child, that when it is born I wont be here, is it wrong to stay ofr the reason alone, will I wither in bitternes and watch my heart dissolve when Chara marries someone else? Will it be Masake? Now that's a poisonous element, to think of the times he's told me of discarding girls and not thinking much of it, maybe this is my punishment for seeing evil being done and never doing anything to stop it before.
My Chara, I can hear her when I close my eyes on night like these on the balcony, I can hear the wind whispering those memories to me, her laugh as well, like the midnight air had its own flavor.
I can't take it anymore, I want to go for a drive to clear my head because it's impossible to stay here with Nana in the other room and Chara on my mind.
I want to ask her then, about those nights after Paris, I got engaged to Nana before that, but did they count? Did that mean she loved me? We never even kissed, or talked, my heart sinks as I close the door behind me, because I realized another thing, I rarely needed to use words when we were that close, remembering how terrible i was with words in the begining.How she learned my expressions, how I learned to read between her lies when she was sad, I rememebr that a lot her sadness, how she wore it like armor to protect against happiness how embeded it was into her, and how she... opened up to me, how I fell in love with her, and that night, that night on the shore, the blood on my shirt, and her hurt face when she flinched at her wounds, beyond it, my Mars.
I was in the parking lot of her hotel room I wonder how I didnt crash on the way here, must have been on autopilot. I press the button te elevator to take me to the lobby, you can't access those rooms through here, actually, so i have to book a room on the same floor to get access I do, pay it under Saito's credit card so that I wont be traced, a gift from him. I remembered to wear my glasses and my hair is down so the trandy looking girl behind the counter doesn't even give me a second glance. I get my key and make my way to the floor, nervous, and wondering if Chara would open her door to me, if this is the right thing to do, before i know it I am shaking because I feel the guilt and I feel my heart being pulled in ten different directions. I take a deep breath to calm down before I explode right here in this metal box, my heart feels liek a metal box, breath again, I dont think I will be calm unless I talk to her, I need to straighten out what happened between us, if she tells me to forget it, I will, if I see that she means it, okay, I will go on. However, my heart becomes happy when I think of her possible answer, the one I selfishly want to hear, 'it meant everything to me,' 'leave her, come back to me,' even an ' I love you,' will set my resolve, I'll leave Nana, I'll find a way to support the child, I dont care about the humiliation of being smeared int he press, if she wants to she can kill me, but my heart wants Mars, right now, I need to see her I need to hear that voice that used to sing to me as I slept, I need those eyes, I need it all. The elevator comes to a stop on another floor, someone must be getting on, my eyes widen, ebcause this is not happening, it's Michio, and he looks very sharp, sharper than usual but his expression is what takes me back, because its the kind I've seen on someone like me right now, only I dont have blue roses like he does. I stare right at him, but he simply presses the number of Chara's floor, no conversation, this elevator doesnt have mirrors, I can't tell what he's thinking but.. in this moment I can guess that it was a mistake coming here. I hate this, that I am like this because I start to feel the hurt because I know how much she admires Michio, she might have a chance at becoming happier with him, no... what am I saying, he's like a father to her, there must be another reason he's bringing her flowers, yes, yes, just... I should wait a few minutes before I go to see her, yeah. I cover my face a bit also hiding my embarrasement and let Michio get off, without even glacing back at me he's out, I keep the door open and head out a few seconds after him, seeing the path he took, and surely he's there, I hide behind the corner like a damn stalker obssesivly trying to hear what is being said, but I can't and he's inside her door. Coward.
I should have said something, I head to my room which is on the opposite side of hers, and give up. The room is big , spacious, two rooms, really, I didnt even check what this room came from but it's like the one she has, I see now that it's like an apartment, there is a small cooking area, a fridge, a coffe maker, a toaster, a mricowave oven, a bath with a tub, a walk in closet, a living area and in the next room it has another bath, a large bed and a veranda. "I wonder if this reminds her of L.A." because it sure reminded me of that apartment we shared, when I got my finanacial board aid, I invited her to live with me for 6 months, we have been dating for 4 months already, I was so nervous, Sighs....all this nostalgic atmosphere is making me hurt even more, it was a mistake coming here emtpy handed, but that's right Michio had flowers, maybe I should buy her something. It's so late, what's open? Seven Eleven, the Kit Shop, no... it's not like me, I go on the veranda then and look out to the city, have a smoke, and another, and see that you can barely make out a few constellations from here, it's all like on big overcast of pollution casting a dome like apperance in the sky. I miss the air just outside the city, it's one of the few things I like about marrying Nana, her house with all the green, would we be raising our child there, on that swing, would that child be laughing then if I stayed?
I know it's terible and im asuming Chara would go along with it, but when I realized my feelings of love towards Chara, I broke off with Nana, only to be trapped by her, and now, I hurt more than I did before, it was a mistake marrying her out of pity, or of guilt, and even more, because that child, I dont think i fathered it, I was careful with Nana the times we were together. In fact, she should be rounder, hmmm... maybe it's different in Japan. My heart however, is telling I might not be the father, but I would still feel guilty if i left her now. I should just go home. I sigh in the midnight air and put out my last smoke on the ashtray of sand the hotel took care to place on the veranda's frame.
I take my Jacket from the bed where I threw it and close the door behind me. I am turning the corner to get on the elevator when I see it, Chara is talking to Michio, and...she is crying, I hide behind the corner, though I dont mean to I can hear it, her heart breaking.
"It's going to be okay angel, just wait, this isn't going to make the papers, just go back to your room and sleep it off."
Something's wrong because Michio sounds more nurturing than I had heard him.
"It's never going to be okay, never."
there is a silence and she sobs, I want to look but, Im afraid they will hear me, I should go back to my room check on her in a bit, yes I don't want to hear this, "He's married, you know that, even if he divorces she is carrying his child, let it go, give it time and let it go."
They... are, talking about me? I don't know anyone else who fits that description, but I am frozen in the hallway and I heard that, and now I can't unhear it, and suddenly, my heart hurts again, and I want to run to her, but I am frozen because her next words make it impossible to move.
"You're wrong, it's just like L.A., 'give it time' doesnt work, it's never worked, not once, even now I...I still havent gotten over that, Michio, can't I quit? I don't want to be here anymore, in Tokyo, running into his at events, festivals, awards hows, I don't want any of that, I ...I don't want to sing anymore."
There is a silence, because the world has broken, and I have to make this right, I can't help it, I pace my way to her and take her hand, I drage her back with me to my room, I can hear Michio's voice but he doesnt come after us, she doesn't say a word until i close the door behind her I have her at the shoulders she's looking up at me with those fiery eyes, that fire burning like coals now, the heat residing, and I kiss her. She doesn't push me away, the longing I've had for her overcomes me and I wont let her go, but she protests, "You're starting to hurt me now..." I pull away a bit embarrased and trhat's when we stare at eachother again, "Saturn," I think I;m about to actually cry, because that name, I haven't heard it from her mouth in such a long time, its euphoric, "My Mars," with just that she smiles and kisses me, but then she pulls away from me and leans agains the wall.
Waiting for me because I don't have to tell her why I am here right now, but then, I do. "How long were you there? Did you hear all that?" I nodded, unable to speak right now, because I think that she thinks this is a mistake, the kissing, but she's speaking again and to turn to see her expression, it's sad again. "I didnt want you to hear that, I'm sorry."
"Are you serious about it, wanting to stop singing?"
she nodded, and sighed, her closed for a while, and I made my way to the wall, to hold her but she moved then suddenly, "I don't need you to come here because you pity my existance, and touch me because you think it will make me feel better, okay, I don't need it." She's angry now, no upset, for some reason, it's blurred to me.
"I'm not here because of that, do you really think I pity you?"
Bewildered her gaze went through me like a bullet, "You do, " my head was shaking because it wasn't like her at all. "Mars, the reason I'm here is that same reason you didn't push me away when I kissed you, the same reason you want to stop seeing me, but it should not be a reason for you to stop singing, my heart, my heart would simply die!"
the words come out like this, maybe I'm angry I can't tell I am a little distracted byt he fact that I can't read her face as well as I used to. She looks away and sighs again, "That reason, if it was such a good thing then why did you marry Nana?" and she begins to cry, just like that, her mood changed so suddenly, no, something is wrong with Chara, something that wasn't there before, I take a step towards her but her arms go up in defense, "Don't touch me!" I ignore her and embrace her, though she tired to push me away and scratches my skin I don't care. "I'm not going anywhere, if you want me to leave you, kill me right here and now, I want to be here, not out of pity or duty, why did I Marry Nana? You want to know? Because I pitied the situation her father put her in, because it was unfair and she was a friend that helped me when it was inpossible to sleep because all I could do was tihkn of you, beacuse she resemlbed you, because knowing that she helped me make the pain tolarable, and after treating her like second best for years it was time I repaid her, it was out of loyalty and duty to a friend that I married her, because I made a mistake because that mistake will be born into this world with a father who is such a coward that couldn't steal you away even if you hated me for it. My Chara, my Mars, I want you more than anything else in my life and the reason I am here now is because I thought I would die of loneliness, because not seeing now, not touching you like I am now was too unbearable, that's why I am here, tell me, do you hate me for it? Because if you do i will go out of your life and never bother you again, I will do anything you ask of me, but don't stop singing. You look alive when you sing, and your soul is all I can see, what everyone see's and you make this world a brighter place, please...a pitiful person like me shouldn't be a reason to take such a gift away from the world. Now tell me what is in your heart because I have given you more than a glimpse into mine." She stared at me, tears wet her cheeks, but she remained silent staring at me, then her gaze dropped, taking in all I had said, her eyes wondered across the nothingness infornt of her, jerking her head towards the door then back at me. Taking my hands in hers I let her as she untwinned my grip from her body, she stared at my hands and then brought them up to her cheek as she carressed them, closing her eyes she let me know.
"I want to take you back to that place where the snow piled high, the whiteness of the town where you were born," I leaned in and pressed my nose against hers, because no one else would understand this, and she sang softly, "I want to see you, so badly, and longing for it even now, the more of I think of you," I kiss her, and finish off the lyric, "On colds nights like these, I can clearly hear the sound of the bell in my heart."I took Chara back to my bed and spent the night together, by 5am my phone was ringing but I turned it off and returned to her, she left her phone in her room we fell asleep, but she woke me up because it was time for me to check out, "Take care of it," I called after her as I put my clothes back on, that's somethig I could count on, Chara never did frivillous things like wear my shirt after a night like this, she put her clothes back on, an old loversoul shirt and those stretchy pants girls like to wear, she lead me out the door my jacket in her arm and back across the hall to her room, I was so tired though, she took my wallet out of my pocket as she laid me on the bed, i tripped over the frame though and went dead to sleep.
I woke up to the sound of people talking, it was night again, or so i thought, I got up to the cool room, colder than usual, oh yeah, she likes it that way, I got up and drew the curtain back it was almost dusk, the sky gave out hues of pink and inthe smog inefested clouds I could see beautiful colours like blue and purples, yellows and even subtle greens. I recalled the events of last night, this morning, and soon the talking gave shape to a conversation between, "Rascals" the words escaped my mouth because I could hear Saga and Seiko outside the door, "Are you freaking kidding me, we were trying to explain to Nana how his phone broke and she wasn't buying it, so here, his new phone and and some food oh and some of Shou's clothes, he wanted to help somehow." Seiko was her usual cheerful self a bit anxious and anger I can never tell. Slipping past the door behind her I managed to scare her with a poke to her ribs, she jumped and started smaking me. "YOU!! You bastard, how dare you just wander in here after you're a married man and with my songstress after all the shit you put her through, you better see this through or I'll really use your guts to line my guitar!" Her anger was justified but I couldn't help but give her a grin and bow my head in remorse. "I see my mistakes, teacher, please take care of me while this situation gets settled." Seiko smaked me again and laughed in fact everyone seemed to enjoy this except, I searched for her, there on the black lather couch, she sat in a white shirt head resting on her knees, a position she'd take when she was troubled, I gave her a smile, she returned it and burried her face in her arms. "Oh great here we go," Seiko continued, but I let her, then it came, a grip on the nape of my neck, I didn't see it coming Saga's grip on my shoulder , like a heart to heart, "You better head Madam Seiko's warning, you hear, and mine as well, Seiko will talk about gutting your body but I will be doing that as she laughs, you understand my old and dearest friend?" I nod a bit more nervously now, because these are the type to get away with murder with their charm and charisma, but I asure them, that I am serious. "Whatever happens, I'll make sure to do it properly, don't worry, and you too," I kneel infront of Chara, and she looks up from her arms to see me, "I'll be asking you something important in the future, just wait for me, and don't answer it from any other guy, promise me that." She takes my hand and hooks her small finger with mine, "I promise that, but you promise me something,"
"Yes?"
"Let her down easy, I know she loves you a lot, but...I don't want her to hurt badly, it can be hell."
Seiko laughs, "Oh it will be hell either way, it's better to let her down hard and fast, it's the best way,"
Sage nods, "I can understand Chara's feelings, Nana might require a softer kind of letting down, but if it looks like it's failing do it hard, something she'd hate you for, it will make it worth it in the end for her." Chara sighs, "Here we are talking about ways to ruin another person's life, are we going to hell?" No one laughs at that, we look at each other, but it's Saga who assures us, "You mean, there's another one? I can't imagine a bigger hell than one where your hearts deceive each other, Nana knew she was using him, princess, it may be wrong, but it isn't right what she did, you can't have peace without war." We know this is true, Seiko takes Saga and leaves, but gives us some news, "Ama started running a few days ago, stop by will you whenever you have time," I gave them an assurance and she gave us a weary look, and they were gone. The door clicked closed, and I stood there for a while, should i turn my phone on? I don't want to, but, I should, do this as soon as possible. I took a breath and returned to Mars. "Saturn, will you be leaving as well?" Sincere fire, I nodded, "I'm coming back tonight, I have to take care of this as soon as I can, before I can't escape, you understand that right?" She was sad but gave me a slight grin and nodded, "To think, I've been where Nana is now, is it karma then, there was a reason it happened to me, the pain, is it to justify this now?" I sat beside her and held her, not knowing what to say, I kissed her hair and took my jacket with me, "I will return, please open the door for me, ok?" she nodded, and saw me off to the door. I didn't want to look back, I'm determined, if I don't leave Nana right now, file for divorce right now, I might never be able to. I turned my phone on in the elevator, ignoring all the calls e-mails and messages, I dialed one number, it rang, and knowing I would crush her, I needed this. "Hello, Saito? yeah.. I need you to call a lawyer, ...yeah..., I decided I want a divorce." I met Saito in the lobby of his office where he ushered me to his office, the lawyer with him and took him less than 45 minutes since I called him to work out the details and get the paperwork in order. "Okay he's got the paper work done and axed over , he's called Nana's lawyer, and she's informing them why he's sent the papers and now, it might be in the newspapers, though we're making sure to make this private, " his phone when off, "Oh, it's them, alright--Hello?" I leaned against the glass walls of his office taking it in. That we might have to endure something harsh for the next days, weeks, month even. I will surely be hated, even now I can feel it, just like that night I told her how I felt about Chara, that look that said, "I'll never let you leave me" it scared me now, but I can't live this way any longer, "Mr.Amano?" the lawyer called to me, "yes?"
"We have an agreement on the table, you need to look at it go over the conditions," I nodded, I swear, I could see a light in this darkness.
in that summer when I fell in love, I knew it would only last for a little bit but still i wanted to be the one that brought such happiness into he ife if oniy for a litle while, I wanted to be everything she needed and in that sweet voice she;d call to me asking about my hopes and dreams and the occasional kiss. "My Mars," how far away that memory sems now like im viewing it in someone else's life, as if I can't recall the warmth of her skin, or the scent when she was sleeping, night flowers, star dust, berrilium, my rare star, my planet, my Mars.
"There are constant traces of lines going everywhere, stopping you, redirecting you, and you are powerless to defy them, I was powerless to stop, but I look back and there you are, catching up to me, you're beside me now, I want to reach for you, but the line doesn't let me, you look at me, and I know that it isn't over, that it was never over, and then you pass me, and my world breaks, there are no lines, only an empty void in which I can never leave, but I see you, running without me, on your own line, and finally you smile when you can't look back. "
The words came out suddenly, as I sturmmed the guitar, this song...makes my heart hurt.
I turn on the display on my phone to check the time, it's well past 2 am, Nana's sleeping in the bedroom and I am out here, writting songs about the love of my life, I really am a bad guy.
Chara must be in her apartment, working on her music as well, I wonder if she can see the stars from the city, these stars that make a path in the sky, full of hydrogen and gold, of her element, Beryllium, and the sweet scent, and taste....I miss her, then I remember that beryllium is poisonous, surely if I were to go now to her, it would poison me, in my heart, I can't forget her yet I don't want to leave Nana like this, but then, what kind of man does that make me? To leave her with an unborn child, that when it is born I wont be here, is it wrong to stay ofr the reason alone, will I wither in bitternes and watch my heart dissolve when Chara marries someone else? Will it be Masake? Now that's a poisonous element, to think of the times he's told me of discarding girls and not thinking much of it, maybe this is my punishment for seeing evil being done and never doing anything to stop it before.
My Chara, I can hear her when I close my eyes on night like these on the balcony, I can hear the wind whispering those memories to me, her laugh as well, like the midnight air had its own flavor.
I can't take it anymore, I want to go for a drive to clear my head because it's impossible to stay here with Nana in the other room and Chara on my mind.
I want to ask her then, about those nights after Paris, I got engaged to Nana before that, but did they count? Did that mean she loved me? We never even kissed, or talked, my heart sinks as I close the door behind me, because I realized another thing, I rarely needed to use words when we were that close, remembering how terrible i was with words in the begining.How she learned my expressions, how I learned to read between her lies when she was sad, I rememebr that a lot her sadness, how she wore it like armor to protect against happiness how embeded it was into her, and how she... opened up to me, how I fell in love with her, and that night, that night on the shore, the blood on my shirt, and her hurt face when she flinched at her wounds, beyond it, my Mars.
I was in the parking lot of her hotel room I wonder how I didnt crash on the way here, must have been on autopilot. I press the button te elevator to take me to the lobby, you can't access those rooms through here, actually, so i have to book a room on the same floor to get access I do, pay it under Saito's credit card so that I wont be traced, a gift from him. I remembered to wear my glasses and my hair is down so the trandy looking girl behind the counter doesn't even give me a second glance. I get my key and make my way to the floor, nervous, and wondering if Chara would open her door to me, if this is the right thing to do, before i know it I am shaking because I feel the guilt and I feel my heart being pulled in ten different directions. I take a deep breath to calm down before I explode right here in this metal box, my heart feels liek a metal box, breath again, I dont think I will be calm unless I talk to her, I need to straighten out what happened between us, if she tells me to forget it, I will, if I see that she means it, okay, I will go on. However, my heart becomes happy when I think of her possible answer, the one I selfishly want to hear, 'it meant everything to me,' 'leave her, come back to me,' even an ' I love you,' will set my resolve, I'll leave Nana, I'll find a way to support the child, I dont care about the humiliation of being smeared int he press, if she wants to she can kill me, but my heart wants Mars, right now, I need to see her I need to hear that voice that used to sing to me as I slept, I need those eyes, I need it all. The elevator comes to a stop on another floor, someone must be getting on, my eyes widen, ebcause this is not happening, it's Michio, and he looks very sharp, sharper than usual but his expression is what takes me back, because its the kind I've seen on someone like me right now, only I dont have blue roses like he does. I stare right at him, but he simply presses the number of Chara's floor, no conversation, this elevator doesnt have mirrors, I can't tell what he's thinking but.. in this moment I can guess that it was a mistake coming here. I hate this, that I am like this because I start to feel the hurt because I know how much she admires Michio, she might have a chance at becoming happier with him, no... what am I saying, he's like a father to her, there must be another reason he's bringing her flowers, yes, yes, just... I should wait a few minutes before I go to see her, yeah. I cover my face a bit also hiding my embarrasement and let Michio get off, without even glacing back at me he's out, I keep the door open and head out a few seconds after him, seeing the path he took, and surely he's there, I hide behind the corner like a damn stalker obssesivly trying to hear what is being said, but I can't and he's inside her door. Coward.
I should have said something, I head to my room which is on the opposite side of hers, and give up. The room is big , spacious, two rooms, really, I didnt even check what this room came from but it's like the one she has, I see now that it's like an apartment, there is a small cooking area, a fridge, a coffe maker, a toaster, a mricowave oven, a bath with a tub, a walk in closet, a living area and in the next room it has another bath, a large bed and a veranda. "I wonder if this reminds her of L.A." because it sure reminded me of that apartment we shared, when I got my finanacial board aid, I invited her to live with me for 6 months, we have been dating for 4 months already, I was so nervous, Sighs....all this nostalgic atmosphere is making me hurt even more, it was a mistake coming here emtpy handed, but that's right Michio had flowers, maybe I should buy her something. It's so late, what's open? Seven Eleven, the Kit Shop, no... it's not like me, I go on the veranda then and look out to the city, have a smoke, and another, and see that you can barely make out a few constellations from here, it's all like on big overcast of pollution casting a dome like apperance in the sky. I miss the air just outside the city, it's one of the few things I like about marrying Nana, her house with all the green, would we be raising our child there, on that swing, would that child be laughing then if I stayed?
I know it's terible and im asuming Chara would go along with it, but when I realized my feelings of love towards Chara, I broke off with Nana, only to be trapped by her, and now, I hurt more than I did before, it was a mistake marrying her out of pity, or of guilt, and even more, because that child, I dont think i fathered it, I was careful with Nana the times we were together. In fact, she should be rounder, hmmm... maybe it's different in Japan. My heart however, is telling I might not be the father, but I would still feel guilty if i left her now. I should just go home. I sigh in the midnight air and put out my last smoke on the ashtray of sand the hotel took care to place on the veranda's frame.
I take my Jacket from the bed where I threw it and close the door behind me. I am turning the corner to get on the elevator when I see it, Chara is talking to Michio, and...she is crying, I hide behind the corner, though I dont mean to I can hear it, her heart breaking.
"It's going to be okay angel, just wait, this isn't going to make the papers, just go back to your room and sleep it off."
Something's wrong because Michio sounds more nurturing than I had heard him.
"It's never going to be okay, never."
there is a silence and she sobs, I want to look but, Im afraid they will hear me, I should go back to my room check on her in a bit, yes I don't want to hear this, "He's married, you know that, even if he divorces she is carrying his child, let it go, give it time and let it go."
They... are, talking about me? I don't know anyone else who fits that description, but I am frozen in the hallway and I heard that, and now I can't unhear it, and suddenly, my heart hurts again, and I want to run to her, but I am frozen because her next words make it impossible to move.
"You're wrong, it's just like L.A., 'give it time' doesnt work, it's never worked, not once, even now I...I still havent gotten over that, Michio, can't I quit? I don't want to be here anymore, in Tokyo, running into his at events, festivals, awards hows, I don't want any of that, I ...I don't want to sing anymore."
There is a silence, because the world has broken, and I have to make this right, I can't help it, I pace my way to her and take her hand, I drage her back with me to my room, I can hear Michio's voice but he doesnt come after us, she doesn't say a word until i close the door behind her I have her at the shoulders she's looking up at me with those fiery eyes, that fire burning like coals now, the heat residing, and I kiss her. She doesn't push me away, the longing I've had for her overcomes me and I wont let her go, but she protests, "You're starting to hurt me now..." I pull away a bit embarrased and trhat's when we stare at eachother again, "Saturn," I think I;m about to actually cry, because that name, I haven't heard it from her mouth in such a long time, its euphoric, "My Mars," with just that she smiles and kisses me, but then she pulls away from me and leans agains the wall.
Waiting for me because I don't have to tell her why I am here right now, but then, I do. "How long were you there? Did you hear all that?" I nodded, unable to speak right now, because I think that she thinks this is a mistake, the kissing, but she's speaking again and to turn to see her expression, it's sad again. "I didnt want you to hear that, I'm sorry."
"Are you serious about it, wanting to stop singing?"
she nodded, and sighed, her closed for a while, and I made my way to the wall, to hold her but she moved then suddenly, "I don't need you to come here because you pity my existance, and touch me because you think it will make me feel better, okay, I don't need it." She's angry now, no upset, for some reason, it's blurred to me.
"I'm not here because of that, do you really think I pity you?"
Bewildered her gaze went through me like a bullet, "You do, " my head was shaking because it wasn't like her at all. "Mars, the reason I'm here is that same reason you didn't push me away when I kissed you, the same reason you want to stop seeing me, but it should not be a reason for you to stop singing, my heart, my heart would simply die!"
the words come out like this, maybe I'm angry I can't tell I am a little distracted byt he fact that I can't read her face as well as I used to. She looks away and sighs again, "That reason, if it was such a good thing then why did you marry Nana?" and she begins to cry, just like that, her mood changed so suddenly, no, something is wrong with Chara, something that wasn't there before, I take a step towards her but her arms go up in defense, "Don't touch me!" I ignore her and embrace her, though she tired to push me away and scratches my skin I don't care. "I'm not going anywhere, if you want me to leave you, kill me right here and now, I want to be here, not out of pity or duty, why did I Marry Nana? You want to know? Because I pitied the situation her father put her in, because it was unfair and she was a friend that helped me when it was inpossible to sleep because all I could do was tihkn of you, beacuse she resemlbed you, because knowing that she helped me make the pain tolarable, and after treating her like second best for years it was time I repaid her, it was out of loyalty and duty to a friend that I married her, because I made a mistake because that mistake will be born into this world with a father who is such a coward that couldn't steal you away even if you hated me for it. My Chara, my Mars, I want you more than anything else in my life and the reason I am here now is because I thought I would die of loneliness, because not seeing now, not touching you like I am now was too unbearable, that's why I am here, tell me, do you hate me for it? Because if you do i will go out of your life and never bother you again, I will do anything you ask of me, but don't stop singing. You look alive when you sing, and your soul is all I can see, what everyone see's and you make this world a brighter place, please...a pitiful person like me shouldn't be a reason to take such a gift away from the world. Now tell me what is in your heart because I have given you more than a glimpse into mine." She stared at me, tears wet her cheeks, but she remained silent staring at me, then her gaze dropped, taking in all I had said, her eyes wondered across the nothingness infornt of her, jerking her head towards the door then back at me. Taking my hands in hers I let her as she untwinned my grip from her body, she stared at my hands and then brought them up to her cheek as she carressed them, closing her eyes she let me know.
"I want to take you back to that place where the snow piled high, the whiteness of the town where you were born," I leaned in and pressed my nose against hers, because no one else would understand this, and she sang softly, "I want to see you, so badly, and longing for it even now, the more of I think of you," I kiss her, and finish off the lyric, "On colds nights like these, I can clearly hear the sound of the bell in my heart."I took Chara back to my bed and spent the night together, by 5am my phone was ringing but I turned it off and returned to her, she left her phone in her room we fell asleep, but she woke me up because it was time for me to check out, "Take care of it," I called after her as I put my clothes back on, that's somethig I could count on, Chara never did frivillous things like wear my shirt after a night like this, she put her clothes back on, an old loversoul shirt and those stretchy pants girls like to wear, she lead me out the door my jacket in her arm and back across the hall to her room, I was so tired though, she took my wallet out of my pocket as she laid me on the bed, i tripped over the frame though and went dead to sleep.
I woke up to the sound of people talking, it was night again, or so i thought, I got up to the cool room, colder than usual, oh yeah, she likes it that way, I got up and drew the curtain back it was almost dusk, the sky gave out hues of pink and inthe smog inefested clouds I could see beautiful colours like blue and purples, yellows and even subtle greens. I recalled the events of last night, this morning, and soon the talking gave shape to a conversation between, "Rascals" the words escaped my mouth because I could hear Saga and Seiko outside the door, "Are you freaking kidding me, we were trying to explain to Nana how his phone broke and she wasn't buying it, so here, his new phone and and some food oh and some of Shou's clothes, he wanted to help somehow." Seiko was her usual cheerful self a bit anxious and anger I can never tell. Slipping past the door behind her I managed to scare her with a poke to her ribs, she jumped and started smaking me. "YOU!! You bastard, how dare you just wander in here after you're a married man and with my songstress after all the shit you put her through, you better see this through or I'll really use your guts to line my guitar!" Her anger was justified but I couldn't help but give her a grin and bow my head in remorse. "I see my mistakes, teacher, please take care of me while this situation gets settled." Seiko smaked me again and laughed in fact everyone seemed to enjoy this except, I searched for her, there on the black lather couch, she sat in a white shirt head resting on her knees, a position she'd take when she was troubled, I gave her a smile, she returned it and burried her face in her arms. "Oh great here we go," Seiko continued, but I let her, then it came, a grip on the nape of my neck, I didn't see it coming Saga's grip on my shoulder , like a heart to heart, "You better head Madam Seiko's warning, you hear, and mine as well, Seiko will talk about gutting your body but I will be doing that as she laughs, you understand my old and dearest friend?" I nod a bit more nervously now, because these are the type to get away with murder with their charm and charisma, but I asure them, that I am serious. "Whatever happens, I'll make sure to do it properly, don't worry, and you too," I kneel infront of Chara, and she looks up from her arms to see me, "I'll be asking you something important in the future, just wait for me, and don't answer it from any other guy, promise me that." She takes my hand and hooks her small finger with mine, "I promise that, but you promise me something,"
"Yes?"
"Let her down easy, I know she loves you a lot, but...I don't want her to hurt badly, it can be hell."
Seiko laughs, "Oh it will be hell either way, it's better to let her down hard and fast, it's the best way,"
Sage nods, "I can understand Chara's feelings, Nana might require a softer kind of letting down, but if it looks like it's failing do it hard, something she'd hate you for, it will make it worth it in the end for her." Chara sighs, "Here we are talking about ways to ruin another person's life, are we going to hell?" No one laughs at that, we look at each other, but it's Saga who assures us, "You mean, there's another one? I can't imagine a bigger hell than one where your hearts deceive each other, Nana knew she was using him, princess, it may be wrong, but it isn't right what she did, you can't have peace without war." We know this is true, Seiko takes Saga and leaves, but gives us some news, "Ama started running a few days ago, stop by will you whenever you have time," I gave them an assurance and she gave us a weary look, and they were gone. The door clicked closed, and I stood there for a while, should i turn my phone on? I don't want to, but, I should, do this as soon as possible. I took a breath and returned to Mars. "Saturn, will you be leaving as well?" Sincere fire, I nodded, "I'm coming back tonight, I have to take care of this as soon as I can, before I can't escape, you understand that right?" She was sad but gave me a slight grin and nodded, "To think, I've been where Nana is now, is it karma then, there was a reason it happened to me, the pain, is it to justify this now?" I sat beside her and held her, not knowing what to say, I kissed her hair and took my jacket with me, "I will return, please open the door for me, ok?" she nodded, and saw me off to the door. I didn't want to look back, I'm determined, if I don't leave Nana right now, file for divorce right now, I might never be able to. I turned my phone on in the elevator, ignoring all the calls e-mails and messages, I dialed one number, it rang, and knowing I would crush her, I needed this. "Hello, Saito? yeah.. I need you to call a lawyer, ...yeah..., I decided I want a divorce." I met Saito in the lobby of his office where he ushered me to his office, the lawyer with him and took him less than 45 minutes since I called him to work out the details and get the paperwork in order. "Okay he's got the paper work done and axed over , he's called Nana's lawyer, and she's informing them why he's sent the papers and now, it might be in the newspapers, though we're making sure to make this private, " his phone when off, "Oh, it's them, alright--Hello?" I leaned against the glass walls of his office taking it in. That we might have to endure something harsh for the next days, weeks, month even. I will surely be hated, even now I can feel it, just like that night I told her how I felt about Chara, that look that said, "I'll never let you leave me" it scared me now, but I can't live this way any longer, "Mr.Amano?" the lawyer called to me, "yes?"
"We have an agreement on the table, you need to look at it go over the conditions," I nodded, I swear, I could see a light in this darkness.
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