// The girl in the silver dress.

"I left the party early, I didn't see him."
Seiko must have known I was lying, but in the morning car I hid inside my parka's hoodie still crying about it. My shoes were pinching at my ankles, must be the new pair I got at that store Seiko shops at, I prefer loose fiting clothes and tights, she prefers ruffle halters and frilly dresses. Tomo was sleeping beside me, I supposed like me he's a bit heart broken about Chelsea, I feel for him, but my heart is too full of my own suffering that I can't even tell him it will be okay, I hardly believe such a ridiculous thing to be true. 

I had come to believe that I would never have this weight on my chest again, that that familiar pricking wouldn't find me, that I would be safe from the chills at night, with a warmth inside me, because I would be loved and have someone to love me. What do I have now, my heart is so fragile, that I'm sure I can never put it back together now. I sit in the car as we head towards our destination and the day feels like a repetitive blur.

I go on like this, in the studio, in the loft, in the corner shop, in the morning car, in the ride home, in the small single serving bed I sleep on now, and my things in the apartment  by the station still there, Emily says she'd send for them, but they are my things, I should get them, only I'm too scared, too afraid he will be there, with her, and that I will find they are happy, there in that same place I was going to share a life with him.  The car stops and I remember I have to go back to my job, being Chara, being the vocalist for Zetsubou Nation, today it's a tour, oh yeah I remember now, I didn't bring off clothes just my stage outfits, my mind recoils thinking if I should return to the apartment now, I shake off the feeling and send Emily for a few things at the loft, she sends an assistant for the few things while scolding me for my wandering mind, though she's a  bit soft of me, "I know you're going through a hard time Chara, but your fans need you now, and I have a feeling you need them too."

“I’m doing fine,” I lied, i take out my notebook and put my headphones in, all I can think about is how Haruka looked at me last night.

I know we said we would remain friends, his hand holding mine is something I cannot shake off. I have this overwhelming feeling like I’m doing something wrong when I let him walk away and gaze at me from the entrance. “Just say it,” I begged im. I want to hear him say it.

Emily is worried about me, after what happened in Hawaii I understand, I have some sort of problem mentally, but I don’t know what it is, its har for me to seek or ask for help. My father just called me weak, I could never handle it after the beatings, i couldn’t recover and go back to normal, even with a friend who ignored me, I would feel it in my stomach, the jrejection. I don’t ever know if it’s real or just in my head but I know that it’s not something everyone experiences. I feel like I have too much emotion inside me sometimes and that if I don’t sing, I will explode.  I close my eyes and imagine myself in that field when I was a kid, I got separated from my family heading towards a camping spot, I followed the fireflies and ended up surrounded in crops and tall grass, the darkness swallowed me and all I coul.   Find in the sky was he endless stars. Comforting me in my despair I became agitated being alone, maybe alone is how I’m supposed to be. I’ve gone through a  miscarriage a failed engagement and now Masake and I are done for good. It’s been four months, I can still feel his hand around my throat, I wanted it to squeeze me tighter, I wanted him to engulf me in his rage….destroy me so that I might finally be rid of this mind of mine, this burden of breathing. Take it all away and fill me with your love inside the palm of your hand that grasps so tightly at my neck…I wanted to leave.