I think it was when the snow settled in early April, the rainy season would be begining and hydrangeas would be in bloom like those days I've learned people will be furiously buying new wellies and raincoats in the season's best and sometimes strangest. Masake had gotten about two weeks rest to a month before he went on his world wide tour. He new it would be hard for us ,so he tried to spend as much time with me as he could, but it didn't work so well for me, after all I was in the middle of development of our new album, our second ablum. Recording all day sometimes and when I get home he's sleeping or lost managing things before he goes on tour, he manages to kiss me before he disappears into his workspace, at least this gesture is heart warming, but sometimes thats all I get until we crawl into bed tired as hell and quickly fall asleep. That's the thing about being engaged to someone who owns their own record label, they are always busy. I tried to make more of an effort but on days I can't and want to throw everything out the window, I can hear Masake whisper underneath his breath, "just quit, I can take care of you."Those words make me cringe, and myh stomach hurts in some wierd way, and I pick up the pieces and try again, no, I never answer, I'll pretend not to hear it the right away, and smile, but he knows I heard it, and he's kind to be so patient with me, and smiles back.
It was a Thursday, i had finally gotten a day off and finally for once things were like they always were and then Masake asked me, "Chara, do you like being with me?" I think I was writing down some lyrics and didn't really answer at first, but I couldnt pretend not to hear this, I looked up at him from my netbook and he just stared at me. His expression took me by surprise, it was a little too bare, even for me. I guess it registered on my face because he came in closer and nervously, yeah nervously, he said, "Being with me, is it something that makes you happy? I guess what I mean is... why are you with me?" I didn't know what to answer, something inside of me began wrenching and and twisting. I suddenly just did what came more instinctive to me because for some reason I felt like he was very far away, I reached out and embraced him to bring him closer to my shore but even then he seemed miles away. "Why do have these thoughts to begin with, don't you know?" I tried to hide the desperation in my voice, I was freaking out, but I was a little mad, how could he NOT know?
In that moment, I felt his muscles clenched and I caught him; there was something in the back of his mind, something he wasn't letting up and I needed to know what it was. He grinned a little too weakly but I picked up on it. "I just want to feel a little more narcissistic than usual, my dove." I wasn't buying it, I looked away because I didn't want his charm to get to me. "Is there something wrong Taka?" Just as i suspected using his real name made him more tense. "Is there something you need to tell me?" his eyes fleeted away from mine, and I knew something was up. I backed away from him a little, because I got that same feeling I got that day I heard that Glorious Jane got an offer for a contract, I knew that feeling all too well, because it birthed inside of me a desolation I have tried for many years to forget and it was now creeping up my spine into the comers of my mind, and the earth around me was crumbling down, or maybe I was shaking I don't know which could be more truth. "I just want to be sure," he said but his voice was sad, not coy, not charming, I took the netbook off my lap and placed it on the coffee table, but I still had that feeling, so I let him know. "You're scaring me Takamasa, and I don't like that you asked me this, so tell me, what is it that you're hiding, because I'm not stupid, if there's something you don't like about me, or about being with me, or being with me at all, you need to tell me right now."I reached for his hand, but hesitated and instead held on to my arms, this was making me sick, and then he reached for me, and wrapped his arms around my body finding my hand and enclosing it in his. A glint in his eyes as I turned to face him, " I just want to be sure you're happy, sometimes I think that being wih me is hard on you, I don't want to be a jerk or an elitist, but you know that I've been nin this industry since I was 15, and I've never stayed with someone longer than a few months, we're going on a year, so i don't know if I'm doing things right, I just know that I met a girl, wih a beautiful voice, and a cute personality, she's gorgeous on the eyes, and for some reason, agreed to be mine after knowing me for a night, and since then, we've had many things happened, to my fans attacking you to your friends attacking me, and to the tabloids making the most ridiculous rumors, I've hurt you, and stole you, and you let me come back after breaking you, I am a bad, bad person, and yet here you are, are you sure, I'm what you want?" He said the words and I relived those memories as he did, i remember things he doesn't. I remember when we lost Sylvia, and i remember when I hid his drugs under the carpet, and I remember when he went with me to my father's funeral, I remember him pleading with Seiko to get along so that he could stay with me on the road, and i remember those dark days too. I remember he threw me into the cab with a suitcase and we headed to Paris, I remember his violent kisses and being thrown into a glass vase that cut my hand, I remember the slap when I wouldn't react, and i remember the cold touch of him. I remember leaving when he passed out, and taking the first plane to Tokyo, I remember crying in my blonde wig about it, and I remember Seiko's hug and Haruka....I recall Haruka's warm chest on on my cheek, his heart beat in my ear, his hand in my hair, and the pressure of his embrace as I cried. the warm liquid from my eyes on his shirt, and looking up to see him there, asleep, not annoyed, but something else. Oh yeah, I remember that he's Nana's and not mine, and I had no right to use him to forget Taka, because when Taka came to find me, I did hesitate because of Haruka, but Haruka didn't come after me, he left me, he yelled at me for being stupid but he didn't come after me, because Haruka doesn't want me, he doesn't love me, he probably never did. I looked to Masake, he's wondering what's in my head, and I lean my head against his neck, "I have what I want right here, and I don't want you to
It was a Thursday, i had finally gotten a day off and finally for once things were like they always were and then Masake asked me, "Chara, do you like being with me?" I think I was writing down some lyrics and didn't really answer at first, but I couldnt pretend not to hear this, I looked up at him from my netbook and he just stared at me. His expression took me by surprise, it was a little too bare, even for me. I guess it registered on my face because he came in closer and nervously, yeah nervously, he said, "Being with me, is it something that makes you happy? I guess what I mean is... why are you with me?" I didn't know what to answer, something inside of me began wrenching and and twisting. I suddenly just did what came more instinctive to me because for some reason I felt like he was very far away, I reached out and embraced him to bring him closer to my shore but even then he seemed miles away. "Why do have these thoughts to begin with, don't you know?" I tried to hide the desperation in my voice, I was freaking out, but I was a little mad, how could he NOT know?
In that moment, I felt his muscles clenched and I caught him; there was something in the back of his mind, something he wasn't letting up and I needed to know what it was. He grinned a little too weakly but I picked up on it. "I just want to feel a little more narcissistic than usual, my dove." I wasn't buying it, I looked away because I didn't want his charm to get to me. "Is there something wrong Taka?" Just as i suspected using his real name made him more tense. "Is there something you need to tell me?" his eyes fleeted away from mine, and I knew something was up. I backed away from him a little, because I got that same feeling I got that day I heard that Glorious Jane got an offer for a contract, I knew that feeling all too well, because it birthed inside of me a desolation I have tried for many years to forget and it was now creeping up my spine into the comers of my mind, and the earth around me was crumbling down, or maybe I was shaking I don't know which could be more truth. "I just want to be sure," he said but his voice was sad, not coy, not charming, I took the netbook off my lap and placed it on the coffee table, but I still had that feeling, so I let him know. "You're scaring me Takamasa, and I don't like that you asked me this, so tell me, what is it that you're hiding, because I'm not stupid, if there's something you don't like about me, or about being with me, or being with me at all, you need to tell me right now."I reached for his hand, but hesitated and instead held on to my arms, this was making me sick, and then he reached for me, and wrapped his arms around my body finding my hand and enclosing it in his. A glint in his eyes as I turned to face him, " I just want to be sure you're happy, sometimes I think that being wih me is hard on you, I don't want to be a jerk or an elitist, but you know that I've been nin this industry since I was 15, and I've never stayed with someone longer than a few months, we're going on a year, so i don't know if I'm doing things right, I just know that I met a girl, wih a beautiful voice, and a cute personality, she's gorgeous on the eyes, and for some reason, agreed to be mine after knowing me for a night, and since then, we've had many things happened, to my fans attacking you to your friends attacking me, and to the tabloids making the most ridiculous rumors, I've hurt you, and stole you, and you let me come back after breaking you, I am a bad, bad person, and yet here you are, are you sure, I'm what you want?" He said the words and I relived those memories as he did, i remember things he doesn't. I remember when we lost Sylvia, and i remember when I hid his drugs under the carpet, and I remember when he went with me to my father's funeral, I remember him pleading with Seiko to get along so that he could stay with me on the road, and i remember those dark days too. I remember he threw me into the cab with a suitcase and we headed to Paris, I remember his violent kisses and being thrown into a glass vase that cut my hand, I remember the slap when I wouldn't react, and i remember the cold touch of him. I remember leaving when he passed out, and taking the first plane to Tokyo, I remember crying in my blonde wig about it, and I remember Seiko's hug and Haruka....I recall Haruka's warm chest on on my cheek, his heart beat in my ear, his hand in my hair, and the pressure of his embrace as I cried. the warm liquid from my eyes on his shirt, and looking up to see him there, asleep, not annoyed, but something else. Oh yeah, I remember that he's Nana's and not mine, and I had no right to use him to forget Taka, because when Taka came to find me, I did hesitate because of Haruka, but Haruka didn't come after me, he left me, he yelled at me for being stupid but he didn't come after me, because Haruka doesn't want me, he doesn't love me, he probably never did. I looked to Masake, he's wondering what's in my head, and I lean my head against his neck, "I have what I want right here, and I don't want you to
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