The light was coming in from the window, a crack maybe, or a lamp post outside in the middle of the night, I wasn't sure, but I felt the coldness beside me on the bed the sheets pulled completely engulfed me and I noticed that my source of warmth had left my side without me knowing. Where'd he go to? I searched the wall to the side, the clock's handles glowing in the darkness, it was 4:o6 am. I remembered then that he was hosting today, of course he couldn't stay, I wonder if I made him late? Something horrible pounds inside my stomach, regret or guilt, it's painful, and I take a deep breath in the darkness hoping it will go away, but it only makes me think about Haruka's words last night. We had just left the engagement party, and I still haven't had time to think about leaving Masake in Paris, it was all rushed after Seiko told me she was having her party that the company insisted on as to not draw negative comments from the press, so the morning that I boarded my plane to Paris with Masake Saga asked Emily if he could marry Seiko, Emily thought it was silly, but then cleared it with head of the company they had a meeting with Saga's company, and it was agreed that it would benefit both parties to make it public, and even host their engagement party, all while I ran away with Masake, who so casually snorted a line of cocaine and woke me up, and asked me to marry him. Just like that, the weeks passed in Paris, and I began to realize that there was no event he has just ran away with me, but after the pain came back to my body, after so long and it shocked me into a paralysis that scared him. I knew I was on the kitchen floor again, in the old house, my mother holding him back, and the profanity his spewed at me, over a glass I had dropped with his liqour; he kicked my head against the tile, and the throbbing of my head hitting, the forced caused me to bite my mouth and the blood spilled on the floor, so hot against the cold tile, a sharp noise in my ear, and I couldn't move even though my mom called at me to "Run!" I couldn't move, like that night in Paris, and I knew I had to run. It must have been by chance that Haruka was staying over that night at Seiko's and that warmth next to me, I told him to stay, and he did, I watched him check his phone, and answer a message, maybe from Nana, definitely from Nana, and then he shut his phone off without asking me any questions, he held me that night, after the party, it became clear to me that I couldn't let him go. It was that guy I met at the halloween show in Los Angeles, it was those eyes that so casually followed me when I took the railroad tracks home, that voice that soothed my worries that sang out melodies I'd join, that kindness in his voice when he spoke to me, the concern in his eyes, and the gentle way he holds me haven't changed at all. Here, in Tokyo, in Shibuya, I ran to the first person I thought would protect me, and it was the person i needed that was here instead, I wondered, if there was such a thing as fate, would this be it?
Now we never really made up after what happened during the Swing Tour, he held me and whispered gentle things, random facts he knew I loved hearing, and calmed me even more, I wondered as I lay here now, not in Seiko's place, but his, is this what normal friends do? I know that Tomo worries for me, but he's never held me like this, Seiko is same, she held me and cried with me and cursed so many things in Masake's name, some which made me laugh, others made me feel pathetic. However, Haruka never left my side, and maybe since Nana is touring he thinks it's ok, maybe he has nothing better to do. Glorious has had a break from their activities now that their working permits are being processed, and our new album is being mixed and perfected in the studio by Emily and Mori. I wonder, will there ever be a place for us in this city, where the rules of society wouldn't have to apply where I can sleep in his arms, and cry.
A place where he strokes my hair, and whispers to me about a far away nebula called the Horse Head, and how experts want to know what kind of stars grow there and whether or not it will be swallowed bya hole in 4.3 million years, but that he thinks the black hole wont happen, because the head is made from dark matter. I laugh at his comments, and they ease the pain, and when his grip loosens on me, I whine, and he holds me closer. He's been hosting a radio show for the past month, Sound of Saturn it's online, more of Podcast really, but he's being payed from what he tells me, and he really likes playing whatever he wants, and talking to the fans of both his band and the show. I think of all this, and realize that it's impossible to go back to sleep, so I pull out my phone and call a familiar number, it rings twice, before I realize what I'm doing and quickly hang up and turn my phone off. "What's wrong with me?" I shake my head and the pain runs through me like a bucket of cold water, but dialing Masake's number is so...routine for me, because he always answers and comes to me, but ever since the morning of the blood, I had felt in the backstage of my heart a curtain between us, no matter how much I kissed him, it was still there, and next thing I know, we're in Paris, and I have a ring on my finger, I look down at it, and then pull it off my finger and examine it. Silver Gold, a few crystal diamonds embeded spaced on the band, a dazzling diamond in the shape of a heart that even in this faint light shoots rainbows everywhere, my heart hurts just looking at it, even more the engraving inside of it, "Hold in yours arms only me, Penny Dove." I throw the ring across the room, it makes a metalic ring at it hits, and then I remember where I am, this isn't my place, where am I? Oh yeah I've been drinking, the neon clock, I'm in Haruka's place, I should leave before he gets back, I take a shower and borrow a shirt put on the pants I had on last night, I collect my things and tidy up his bed before leaving I shut the door behind me it click instantly. Maybe I should have told him I was leaving, but I I feel like I should put some distance between him and I, Nana wouldn't like me being here, and I'm still unsure about me and Masake, but a feeling is in me that I can't shake off, somehow, I feel like i'm leaving my home, where I feel safe, and is full of love. Love. That word. My heart races a little at the mention of the word, and I shake it out of my head by turning on my phone it's 5:12 am now, I go down to the familiar Tea Estate hotel it's not very far away, but still I call a cab, my room has surely been cleaned by now, and besides I left it with my suitcase open and papers everywhere, I wouldn't mind it to be tidy. The driver doesn't recognize me or doesn't care, which makes it easier to get there, not even caring to look out at the Tokyo lights, I'm too clouded to see those lights. I wonder now, will he miss me when I'm gone? What would a friend do? I arrive at the hotel pay the cab and walk directly to the elevator passing the lobby I hold on to myself, the cold getting to me a little, I just want to be warm, a thought in the back of my head tells me I should have stayed at Haruka's but if I was Nana I would think that's not something friend's do. Maybe if I slept with him it would be justifiable, some type of conviction, but he held me as I cried, and stroked my hair with his rough hands, those blisters, how long have they felt so shaft? I decide to get him some lotion as a thank you for the headaches I've surely been giving him and find my way to my room again, I close the door behind me locking it with the three bolts, and collapse on the bed, I'm so tired, I let the gravity close lids and my consciousness goes into that darkness, but still cold, I wonder... has Masake eaten today? Is he on his way here? I'm scared. I am the bastard child of abuse and torture, and I don't want to be that person anymore, if I go back to him, will it be worse? the drugs took hold of him, and I love him, not those drugs, as long as he's on them, he'd dead to me, that's all.
//// Haruka Chapter 28: "Above you, as you sleep."
We all got the text simultaneously, like a flash of lightning the message read impossible words, "I just asked Seiko to marry me, she said yes!" I can almost feel the excitement infront of me as if Saga's right here jumping about and picking us up like he just won the lottery, and in some way I think he has. I can't help but smile and just think about what to get them, well maybe for their wedding, but since I finished the song with Shou last night I thought we'd meet Nao in the hospital and test it with him. Is Saga there already, the hospital, now that I think about it the last time we were all there, was the night of Charlotte's Miscarriage, the pain she expressed as she clutched at her stomach, Masake walking through the door, not knowing what happened, Seiko slapping him, yelling at him for not being there for Chara, the blood still stained on her own shirt, and the look on his face when he found out, he walked over to Charlotte who couldn't even look at him, he left the room then, with that face, almost like, this wasn't real. I stayed with Chara that night, because I couldn't leave her like that, Masake had disappeared and everyone else had things to do, Nana wanted to stay with me, but to her Charlotte is my friend from back home, not my ex-girlfriend, that one who's more fragile than egg shells, in some way, I was the only one who shared that pain with her, I don't know if it was the drugs they had her one since she almost bled to death, but he reached out to me, and embraced me, maybe she thought I was Masake I'm not sure, but that night I realized that I loved that girl, and that no matter how much I want to forget her, I can't. But I will. Seiko tells me she forgave Masake, and even he thanked me for taking care of her, I can tell he really puts her above himself, adores her even, but I still can't entirely trust him with her, I can't explain that either, but it's time I stop trying to and focus on Nana's idea of moving in together. She denies it, but ever since the night of the burning covers she's been pushing for more grounding in our relationship, specially marriage, and I tell her I can't marry anyone until we've broken free from Ragnarock Records.
Now we never really made up after what happened during the Swing Tour, he held me and whispered gentle things, random facts he knew I loved hearing, and calmed me even more, I wondered as I lay here now, not in Seiko's place, but his, is this what normal friends do? I know that Tomo worries for me, but he's never held me like this, Seiko is same, she held me and cried with me and cursed so many things in Masake's name, some which made me laugh, others made me feel pathetic. However, Haruka never left my side, and maybe since Nana is touring he thinks it's ok, maybe he has nothing better to do. Glorious has had a break from their activities now that their working permits are being processed, and our new album is being mixed and perfected in the studio by Emily and Mori. I wonder, will there ever be a place for us in this city, where the rules of society wouldn't have to apply where I can sleep in his arms, and cry.
A place where he strokes my hair, and whispers to me about a far away nebula called the Horse Head, and how experts want to know what kind of stars grow there and whether or not it will be swallowed bya hole in 4.3 million years, but that he thinks the black hole wont happen, because the head is made from dark matter. I laugh at his comments, and they ease the pain, and when his grip loosens on me, I whine, and he holds me closer. He's been hosting a radio show for the past month, Sound of Saturn it's online, more of Podcast really, but he's being payed from what he tells me, and he really likes playing whatever he wants, and talking to the fans of both his band and the show. I think of all this, and realize that it's impossible to go back to sleep, so I pull out my phone and call a familiar number, it rings twice, before I realize what I'm doing and quickly hang up and turn my phone off. "What's wrong with me?" I shake my head and the pain runs through me like a bucket of cold water, but dialing Masake's number is so...routine for me, because he always answers and comes to me, but ever since the morning of the blood, I had felt in the backstage of my heart a curtain between us, no matter how much I kissed him, it was still there, and next thing I know, we're in Paris, and I have a ring on my finger, I look down at it, and then pull it off my finger and examine it. Silver Gold, a few crystal diamonds embeded spaced on the band, a dazzling diamond in the shape of a heart that even in this faint light shoots rainbows everywhere, my heart hurts just looking at it, even more the engraving inside of it, "Hold in yours arms only me, Penny Dove." I throw the ring across the room, it makes a metalic ring at it hits, and then I remember where I am, this isn't my place, where am I? Oh yeah I've been drinking, the neon clock, I'm in Haruka's place, I should leave before he gets back, I take a shower and borrow a shirt put on the pants I had on last night, I collect my things and tidy up his bed before leaving I shut the door behind me it click instantly. Maybe I should have told him I was leaving, but I I feel like I should put some distance between him and I, Nana wouldn't like me being here, and I'm still unsure about me and Masake, but a feeling is in me that I can't shake off, somehow, I feel like i'm leaving my home, where I feel safe, and is full of love. Love. That word. My heart races a little at the mention of the word, and I shake it out of my head by turning on my phone it's 5:12 am now, I go down to the familiar Tea Estate hotel it's not very far away, but still I call a cab, my room has surely been cleaned by now, and besides I left it with my suitcase open and papers everywhere, I wouldn't mind it to be tidy. The driver doesn't recognize me or doesn't care, which makes it easier to get there, not even caring to look out at the Tokyo lights, I'm too clouded to see those lights. I wonder now, will he miss me when I'm gone? What would a friend do? I arrive at the hotel pay the cab and walk directly to the elevator passing the lobby I hold on to myself, the cold getting to me a little, I just want to be warm, a thought in the back of my head tells me I should have stayed at Haruka's but if I was Nana I would think that's not something friend's do. Maybe if I slept with him it would be justifiable, some type of conviction, but he held me as I cried, and stroked my hair with his rough hands, those blisters, how long have they felt so shaft? I decide to get him some lotion as a thank you for the headaches I've surely been giving him and find my way to my room again, I close the door behind me locking it with the three bolts, and collapse on the bed, I'm so tired, I let the gravity close lids and my consciousness goes into that darkness, but still cold, I wonder... has Masake eaten today? Is he on his way here? I'm scared. I am the bastard child of abuse and torture, and I don't want to be that person anymore, if I go back to him, will it be worse? the drugs took hold of him, and I love him, not those drugs, as long as he's on them, he'd dead to me, that's all.
//// Haruka Chapter 28: "Above you, as you sleep."
We all got the text simultaneously, like a flash of lightning the message read impossible words, "I just asked Seiko to marry me, she said yes!" I can almost feel the excitement infront of me as if Saga's right here jumping about and picking us up like he just won the lottery, and in some way I think he has. I can't help but smile and just think about what to get them, well maybe for their wedding, but since I finished the song with Shou last night I thought we'd meet Nao in the hospital and test it with him. Is Saga there already, the hospital, now that I think about it the last time we were all there, was the night of Charlotte's Miscarriage, the pain she expressed as she clutched at her stomach, Masake walking through the door, not knowing what happened, Seiko slapping him, yelling at him for not being there for Chara, the blood still stained on her own shirt, and the look on his face when he found out, he walked over to Charlotte who couldn't even look at him, he left the room then, with that face, almost like, this wasn't real. I stayed with Chara that night, because I couldn't leave her like that, Masake had disappeared and everyone else had things to do, Nana wanted to stay with me, but to her Charlotte is my friend from back home, not my ex-girlfriend, that one who's more fragile than egg shells, in some way, I was the only one who shared that pain with her, I don't know if it was the drugs they had her one since she almost bled to death, but he reached out to me, and embraced me, maybe she thought I was Masake I'm not sure, but that night I realized that I loved that girl, and that no matter how much I want to forget her, I can't. But I will. Seiko tells me she forgave Masake, and even he thanked me for taking care of her, I can tell he really puts her above himself, adores her even, but I still can't entirely trust him with her, I can't explain that either, but it's time I stop trying to and focus on Nana's idea of moving in together. She denies it, but ever since the night of the burning covers she's been pushing for more grounding in our relationship, specially marriage, and I tell her I can't marry anyone until we've broken free from Ragnarock Records.
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