I know it’s pathetic, and cliché, but it is what I am at the moment, and that is nothing. I had become caught up in the spindle of illusion and the gravity was sweet and intoxicating, it drew me in and I had no escape, even now I feel empty thinking about it, the things inside of me that once fluttered in excitement now seem to have died, or rather it is as if they never were there to begin with, and I became trapped in it that feeling, after the operation I thought more and more of Takamasa, and how much love I poured into him, and of all the lies and the betrayal he gave to me. The insecurities I struggled with when seeing him, putting him ahead of everything else to just have him laugh at me behind my back, and then there was she. His “the one”. The one who knowingly stole my happiness from me, the selfish bitch who wanted my heart, because to me he was my heart, in some way he still is, and I feel it is unfair to Haruka, and it is another reason I haven’t pressured him into breaking it off with Nana, because I am currently unable to love anyone at all. You see, I saw him, after my operation, there was someone with me there, someone who was holding my hand as I woke up, the nurse came in and left, and I fell back asleep, when I woke up next he was gone, and Haruka had come to see me with Shou, he had not been the one holding my hand at all, and that’s when I knew who it was, he was probably pretending to sleep so that I would not see him, but I knew it, somehow I knew it, and that would be a secret I will carry to my grave. A small comfort that even though he ripped out my heart and stepped on it, he dusted it off making sure it wasn’t too badly hurt. Is that proof that he loved me, loved me, but never enough. It brought me to where I am right now, on the spindle not knowing when to get off because that warmth he brought me has been heavenly, I’m in the studio, two months later, still recovering, and writing lyrics to the songs Tomo and Seiko have composed while I was in bed. The melody was slow, not like a ballad, even though it was, and my piano parts he outlined, I would have to record them later, but the lyrics were important now, and the harmony had just come in, the melody was leading slowly, slow, faster, slowly again, like a heartbeat, and then the words clicked within me and I began tying.
"Wide awake and freezing cold, the shimmer of your glare struck my eyes, suddenly I hear the choir disappear,
suffocating all chances of looking way, taken in the glowing rings entrapped me and the horizon flipped, the world was not that same place where a lover turns a friend, and soon the sky will fall creating waves of indigo, chances are by then you’ll be my own and without a trace of the destruction the definition of the thing called life would be changed into your name.
I’ll obey every word you say, I’ll obey every thing you say, I’ll obey all the life you gave, I’ll over everything you make, I’ll obey, I’ll obey.
Suffocating all chances of being the same, taking in the glowing kiss you gave sparked all the happiness my heart would survive, and written on my breathe, the stream of your words, “obey”
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