I've tried to contain it, but it just keeps digging inside me, it keeps tearing at the damp earth that is my heart, and when it becomes hallow, even the smallest of drizzles burns it.
I honestly don't know how long its been, just that I have no recollection of when I was last hungry, or even standing up. I gave up on listening as well, and with this bandage over my eyes, I found a way to see nothing as well, but the more time I spend here, the number I become, sometimes I think about what Haru would say if he saw me this way, and it gives me reason to take away this disguise and face the world outside without him; but I do not have the courage to do so.
Another day and my body is telling me that I need water, that I need food, that I need to move, but my mind refuses to do so, it's become a thing now, not part of a living being, and frozen in this state. I can scarcely listen to whoever is outside my door, it is usually Takuro, or Shou, or Seiko, but sometimes my mind has lost its grip on reality and hears Haruka. "Chara, I'm about to cut up your Pure Soul Tour shirt if you don't come out of there," "Honey, I'm going to chop down this door and come in The Shining Style if you don't come out first." "Hello? I'm looking for Mars, you see the sky is empty without her in it and I was just wondering if she would indulge me with a visit any time soon." Sometimes however, his voice wasn't as playful as I remembered, but much rather reminded me of the day he asked me to marry him, the seriousness in his tone, the atmosphere is his sincerity was present and his words were speaking truths. "Charlotte, you have to come out dear, you have to face reality and you have to take care of yourself and our family." His was the only voice I could clearly hear though, and when I did, I called out to him. For him to tear the door down and embrace me, for him to pick me up from the ground to whisper our secrets into my ears, but as soon as I opened my mouth I no longer sensed him near me. It was a torture I had brought upon myself, but feeling him so close to me, I would have welcome insanity with the warmest of hearts just to be able to have him with me eternally, the way it was supposed to be.
I lingered on my thoughts the entire week I was inside the closet, by the night of the seventh day the outside world broke down the door and took me to a hospital. I woke up with the knowledge that I was malnourished, dehydrated and hallucinating because of it and also because my organs were on the brink of shutting down. The only reason they wouldn't open the door was on my threats to jump out the window, or hurt myself with the broken glass frame I took inside with Haruka's picture. By the sixth day though, Shou feared I might die of dehydration and disobeyed Takuro's wish to leave me be, but it wasn't until they heard me hallucinating the night after that they decided it was time to snap me out of it.
I had so many needles sticking me and on me that I begged the nurse to give me some poison, if there as anything worse than starving for a week, it was the feeling of steel inside me pushing my blood as the medicine and sedatives made their way into my life-stream. With my small jokingly request though, I was put on suicide watch and it wasn't until Takuro convinced them that I was just grieving that they finally took all the three nurses in my room they assigned out and stopped feeding me through tubes.
Since the first day I was there though, I noticed someone outside my door, sitting there, they wouldn't come in, but often stopped the nurse about to come into my room and spoke for a brief moment, though I couldn't hear them. It wasn't until Seiko came to see me the third day that I realized it was Shou, She had spotted him as she came in and pulled him in, "Oh dear, stop your sulking, she's not mad at you anymore," she shoved him in so swiftly and forcefully that he almost hit the foot of my bed and manged to stop himself before falling on me. We stared at each other for a few seconds, I tried to remember what I said to Shou to have him fear to see me directly this way, his expression was dark, mournful, remembering that he also lost a brother, my heart was shaking and I felt the pain sting me again. "I'm sorry," the words coming out of my mouth so easily, I stretched my hand for him,and he came around in an instant and took it, nodding at me. Gripping my hand, my breathing became rapid, the pain that was surrounding him, seemed to have found me once again, and just like when I collapsed after the funeral, I felt the connection of emptiness we both shared, for some reason, it was deeper than others, and so I found that he too understood my pain and my suffering.
I honestly don't know how long its been, just that I have no recollection of when I was last hungry, or even standing up. I gave up on listening as well, and with this bandage over my eyes, I found a way to see nothing as well, but the more time I spend here, the number I become, sometimes I think about what Haru would say if he saw me this way, and it gives me reason to take away this disguise and face the world outside without him; but I do not have the courage to do so.
Another day and my body is telling me that I need water, that I need food, that I need to move, but my mind refuses to do so, it's become a thing now, not part of a living being, and frozen in this state. I can scarcely listen to whoever is outside my door, it is usually Takuro, or Shou, or Seiko, but sometimes my mind has lost its grip on reality and hears Haruka. "Chara, I'm about to cut up your Pure Soul Tour shirt if you don't come out of there," "Honey, I'm going to chop down this door and come in The Shining Style if you don't come out first." "Hello? I'm looking for Mars, you see the sky is empty without her in it and I was just wondering if she would indulge me with a visit any time soon." Sometimes however, his voice wasn't as playful as I remembered, but much rather reminded me of the day he asked me to marry him, the seriousness in his tone, the atmosphere is his sincerity was present and his words were speaking truths. "Charlotte, you have to come out dear, you have to face reality and you have to take care of yourself and our family." His was the only voice I could clearly hear though, and when I did, I called out to him. For him to tear the door down and embrace me, for him to pick me up from the ground to whisper our secrets into my ears, but as soon as I opened my mouth I no longer sensed him near me. It was a torture I had brought upon myself, but feeling him so close to me, I would have welcome insanity with the warmest of hearts just to be able to have him with me eternally, the way it was supposed to be.
I lingered on my thoughts the entire week I was inside the closet, by the night of the seventh day the outside world broke down the door and took me to a hospital. I woke up with the knowledge that I was malnourished, dehydrated and hallucinating because of it and also because my organs were on the brink of shutting down. The only reason they wouldn't open the door was on my threats to jump out the window, or hurt myself with the broken glass frame I took inside with Haruka's picture. By the sixth day though, Shou feared I might die of dehydration and disobeyed Takuro's wish to leave me be, but it wasn't until they heard me hallucinating the night after that they decided it was time to snap me out of it.
I had so many needles sticking me and on me that I begged the nurse to give me some poison, if there as anything worse than starving for a week, it was the feeling of steel inside me pushing my blood as the medicine and sedatives made their way into my life-stream. With my small jokingly request though, I was put on suicide watch and it wasn't until Takuro convinced them that I was just grieving that they finally took all the three nurses in my room they assigned out and stopped feeding me through tubes.
Since the first day I was there though, I noticed someone outside my door, sitting there, they wouldn't come in, but often stopped the nurse about to come into my room and spoke for a brief moment, though I couldn't hear them. It wasn't until Seiko came to see me the third day that I realized it was Shou, She had spotted him as she came in and pulled him in, "Oh dear, stop your sulking, she's not mad at you anymore," she shoved him in so swiftly and forcefully that he almost hit the foot of my bed and manged to stop himself before falling on me. We stared at each other for a few seconds, I tried to remember what I said to Shou to have him fear to see me directly this way, his expression was dark, mournful, remembering that he also lost a brother, my heart was shaking and I felt the pain sting me again. "I'm sorry," the words coming out of my mouth so easily, I stretched my hand for him,and he came around in an instant and took it, nodding at me. Gripping my hand, my breathing became rapid, the pain that was surrounding him, seemed to have found me once again, and just like when I collapsed after the funeral, I felt the connection of emptiness we both shared, for some reason, it was deeper than others, and so I found that he too understood my pain and my suffering.
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