// The burning room

It's been too long since I felt his warmth.
Too long without the beating of my chest being noticeable.
The emptiness inside, I want to feel it, but I feel nothing.

It's only when I scream that I know it's real, that it's not a dream or some crazy illusion I've brought upon myself somehow.
Learning everything all over again as I awake, surrendering to sleep I no longer find comforting, I drift within myself, like a vessels whose wheel has gone array, no captain at the helm, no anchor to weigh it down. Nothing, a slow but strong current that is leading me to more numbness and waking.
Teathered though, I manage to find myself back where I am, at the house by the Sea in Hokkaido, in the closet with the window that I never really used as a closet, it's more like a gateway now, a gateway to another world; the world where I can kick and scream and feel the burning pain as I feel the emptiness, the void where the warmth once was, the desire to turn back time, the dryness in my throat in my heart the stabbing in my knees as I can't manage to stand and the terror the agonizing reality I keep trying to convince myself is not happening. Among the sobbing that I cannot manage to stop, within the awful sound my mouth lets out, I call out your name, I ask you to return to me, to hold me, to tell me I'm dreaming, to tell me I'm crazy; But realizing you wont is more painful, and with that pain I wither inside myself and the burning continues.

I've lost track of time now, I kept waking up and sleeping, waking up and going back to sleep, so much so that now my insides are throbbing, but I can't tell if it's hunger or the pain again. I've refused to come out for two weeks now; Seiko still comes, Shou however, has not come back since I locked myself in here. I wonder if it's time to come out and share my pain with everyone else? The way normal people grieve, no...this is not grieving this is a living death, one I embrace because missing you, lets me know that it wasn't a dream, that it was real, that you were real, that you are my love.