//Champagne.

I remember the look in his eyes when their gaze met. Did he ever direct such a gaze towards me when I was his? Perhaps while we were riding in the back of his car, maybe after feeding each other cold pizza? This look in his eyes, it was as though he had the universe inside his iris. I burned in jealousy immediately; I turned my face and took a huge sip of the champagne in my hand. I had to get away from them, I had to breathe again, my lungs refused to breathe in his scent, the scent, a torturous aroma, and my own personal hello of love was now a living hell. A hell that once was my sanctuary, a sanctuary that now belonged to her. I felt my chest suffocating, was I going to implode right there in the middle of these record executives? I tried to act nonchalantly as I strode through the crowd, not paying attention to those around me, not looking behind me. I rounded the corner into the corridor out of the ball room and threw the champagne glass into the trash can adjacent to the entry as I picked up my pace. I saw the telephone booths, wooden doors, no glass; perfect. I saw three were occupied I ran into the one farthest from the entry, the 5^th down. I slowed my pace and carefully closed the door behind me, as soon as I did I felt the strangle release and the blood flowing through me, the pain, the anger, the frustration. I held it inside of me, cradling it. I couldn’t tear my arms from my chest, it was burning, the overflowing emotions too much for me to handle, too much for this stupid heart. I felt my eyes which were already watering behind to sting, the faint light inside the booth began to blur, and soon enough I didn’t care, I let the darkness embrace me not caring who heard me and the sobbing began shockingly and softly. The thoughts rushed to my head, it appeared that I had managed to fool them; no one was coming after me, thank you. I slumped into the seat not bothering to fix the mermaid flare of my dress and began to think about what I just witnessed.

I knew that Taka thought of me once as the “love of his life” he said it to me countless times. I felt it inside of me, whenever he touched me, smiled at me said my name, or even when we argued, it was there. Now it was all gone, transferred like a bad blood transfusion, I caught a disease when he left me, I felt it literally. I felt so sick and broken ever since I left him. He looked happy with her, and it infuriated me, I wanted to slap him in the middle of the ball room and ask him why I was not good enough for him. I wanted to beg him to leave her and I’d give him anything to love me back. Anything, everything, whatever I could and anything I could not. Sadly, this could never become a reality there were too many boundaries, too much risk, too much fear inside of me. Fear that he would reject me there in the middle of that ball room, and because of that I would loose face for the company. I could not risk being stupid, and love was stupidity at it’s purest. My sobbing had already stopped, I was just holding myself as hard as I could, and trying to keep the pain inside, then there was a knock at the door. “You almost done in there?” the voice was strange to me. I replied back with a lie, “I’m in the middle of a call, use another booth.” I didn’t hear the stranger move, instead he spoke again, “I meant your panic attack, are you done? If so then open the door and let me in.” This type of authority, it could only be one person, the one person I had never intended to see me this way, to witness my reaction to something so stupid, I was paralyzed and he spoke again. “I’m going to take that silence as a no, I’m coming in.” I was still frozen, the door folded open and he stepped inside, the booth was bigger than I thought wider, he closed the door behind him and turned on the light. In just three seconds I was face to face with Saturn. His orbit still glowed brilliantly, smooth, with no hint of stubble, his unusual tipped nose that marked him a half-Caucasian, his chin pointy but strong, and the familiar beauty spot above his left eyebrow which now held in place a gauge. His expression was friendly, casual, nothing alarmed, but his eyes were concerned, I always noticed that about him, his hair had grown longer, the shape of his face smoother, he looked older. “How…did you find me?” my words came out of my mouth before I had time to think about what I was saying. He grinned slightly, “I saw you rush out, thought maybe you were going to be sick, but I find you in here instead, breaking apart,” I turned away from him and sat on the bench again, my face looking at the cherry wood floor. “Don’t worry, no one else noticed as much, you don’t really look like your usual self.” I shook my head as the idea of what I was wearing repulsed me again, “Emily is making me wear it, she says it will remind them I’m a songstress, not a vocalist.” He chuckled slightly and crouched down I saw his hands drawing near my face and I looked up as he took it in his. “But, you are a vocalist, maybe you should remind her,” that lovely smile was there then, I couldn’t help it, my heart was aching again, and my eyes watered. He must’ve noticed his mistake because he let me go immediately and sat down next to me instead muttering again, “I figured you needed a shoulder to cry on,” I turned to look at him in disbelief, “Well here it is,” he patted his right shoulder gesturing me to take advantage of his prestige services. I couldn’t help but laugh at his unusual service. “What?” He rolled his eyes in that playful manner he always uses and continued, “Something is bothering you, we said we would be friends, well this is me being that friend you need, and I’ll listen to you if you want too no matter how pathetic it gets and I promise I won’t laugh.” I couldn’t stop it then, there was a slight pause as I read his face. It was sincere, as serious as the time he left Los Angeles, so with no more words, I wrapped my arms around his torso an, leaned my head against his shoulder and began the lament scene in this play. I mumbled things I never told anyone, I became that girl, that ex-girlfriend who can’t get over someone. A few times I thought he’d have enough, that he would leave, or that I would leave go back and pretend that everything is fine. Haruka just sat there, petting my hair whenever my sobbing became ridiculous. Eventually he talked me into going to wash my face and re-joining the party, the waiting for me patiently as I removed the smudged eye liner’s marks and fixed my hair. We walked back together then; I noticed that he had his arm around me then. We must have been five feet from the entrance but he didn’t remove it, just then as we approached the doorway he slid it off quickly and locked arms with me instead. I pretended not to notice this gesture, and began to form my polite smile, taking another glass of champagne from a waiter walking by Haruka lead me towards the only group of people I wanted to see now, the Nation and Glorious. Immediately Shou was the first one to come up and hug me, “what happened?” as he pulled away his worried expression was mirrored in Saga as he approached me as well, putting his hand on my forehead I smacked it away, chuckling. “We’ll she’s not sick,” His warm grin made me relax even more, and Shou made another joke about how ‘Papa, is always so worried.’ Saga of course still thinks of himself as my father, I should have never pretended this was true, but he is the one who started it. Saga agreed acting as if it was his fatherly duty to ‘take care of my child’ we all laughed at this comment, and Haruka convinced them that I was just having ‘stree issues’ because of all the record excecutives. Our contract was ending soon, we would either come back to work for Emi or move on to Universal. Takuro said that whatever I wanted was fine, but we owe so much to him. We still have no formally talked about it, the band that is. Evan and Tomo just want to compose, as long as no one tells them what music we should play that is fine. Both have offered this artistic liberty, in fact both of the offers are great, but Universal might help us spread out more than Emi. We needed to talk about this, so it was acceptable for me to get sick about something like this Seiko and Evan had the chills as well as soon as they gave us a time limit. The night proceeded that way, the seven of us just joked around Saga and Seiko were close to drunk, Shou had managed to remain one of the few sober ones. I didn’t drink enough to feel dizzy, but I did notice when Taka walked by me, he didn’t even glaze over me. Our eyes never met, I stared after him as he exited the ball room, longing, turning to Shou, who was telling a story of their recent tour, to forget what had happened. We left that night with over thirty business cards all together, there was even an agency offering Seiko a solo career but she could not help but laugh at this comment. Tomo said the same thing happened to him, and Evan. This guy must’ve been at the ball while I was in the phone booth with Haruka, but I didn’t mention this to them, they simply said that I must’ve scared him or something. Back at the apartment complex, I said goodnight to the boys who were going out, Seiko had promised to meet Saga for dinner we all had gone to our rooms to change then, the boys were in their usual wear of boots, jeans, vintage shirts and leather jackets, Seiko changed into her bondage skirt pants and a union jack top with a beige parka. She invited me, but I declined, finally letting her know that I needed time alone. She understood what I meant, and simply said, “Yeah…I knew something like that would happen. I’m sorry Char.” I told her it was not a big deal and faked a smile; she grinned back and headed out promising to bring me back some food. I went to take a bath then, ignoring the formal utilities in my bathroom that served as a soaking tub and just took a regular American style shower. When I got out I found that a sweet melody was playing, a familiar tone, my phone was ringing. It took me a while to find it, stashed under that hideous dress, it was Haruka. I clicked the answer button without hesitation. “Hello, Miss Charls.” This as unexpected, I threw the dress to the floor and laid my belly on my bed. “Mister Ruka is it?” I followed his game, he chuckled and proceeded. “Just wanted to make sure you’re alright, you sound fine, are you still hurting?” his tone changed from playful to sincere again, that concern really touched me. “I think I’ll be hurting for a while, but…it is nothing I have not experienced before.” These words came out without realization, I had forgotten that the reason I knew this pain as well was on the other side of the line. He made a sound that assured me that he understood and I apologized, “I didn’t mean it like that, just…that.” But he cut me off, “I know, and…I feel terrible for that, no matter what you say, I still feel terrible.” Oh no. I didn’t want to do this now, not right now, I was already hurting, I did not need a remainder of the first wave of pain my being had ever endured. “Haruka,” I managed to stop his apology, “I never blamed you, and you can stop feeling sorry.” Silence. So I began again, “After all, we met again, and we can still smile at each other after such incidents, is that not enough to assure you?” I smiled to myself recognize this fact as well; He made another sound of understanding, this one sounding more nostalgic. “I hope that you’ll feel better in the morning then,” his words were kind, I thanked him. “Hey, are you free next week?” I wasn’t. I explained this fact to him. “Oh, that sucks.” He sounded disappointed, I was curious now. “What’s happening next week?” he answered a little slowly, “its Shou’s birthday the following day,” Oh, that’s right. But I already got this something, “Yeah, are you planning something?” I asked then, thinking of Shou’s happy face when he saw whatever Haruka planned then. “Sort of, but it’s sort of a three day thing, we’re taking him to Paris.” Wow, I was impressed then; Shou had always wanted to do. “Oh my, he will love you forever you know!” my enthusiasm shone through and I was already thinking of ways out of getting out of the interview I was doing on these days. “Yes, I thought of it, I wanted everyone to come and being his best friend and all he’d be psyched if you came, but if you are busy…” He got me then, I told him I’d find someway of getting out of whatever Emily had scheduled, ZeNa would celebrate Shu’s birthday as well. He thanked me then, and began with another question, “What are you doing the week after next?” Was it Saga’s birthday? His? “Not much, just filming a comment for the fan club,” I waited for his reason then. “I was wondering if…you’d like to go with me someplace.” Huh, this was unexpected; I knew where this was leading to. These were the same words he used to ask me out. “It’s not the back of an alley is it?” I asked joking trying to not take this seriously. He laughed and preceded, “Not really, it’s some place I think you’d like,” I thought about it then. This was definitely a date…would I take the bait? I thought then about the hole in my heart, about the torn and jagged edges and how it stung every time I thought of Taka, of that woman. Is that the pain that I ever made Haruka feel when the woman beside Taka was me? I felt then another pull; the voice inside my head spoke for me then. “Yeah, I’d like to go.” I ignored the part of me who thought about consequences and boundaries. “Where are we going?” I asked impatiently. He laughed softly and whispered. “It’s a secret,” I hissed at the phone, he laughed harder. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to blindfold you, you’ll figure it out when we get there. I agreed to his devious plan, it seemed innocent enough. If this was a date, a romantic date, he would not be as mysterious, he would blind me. So I thought then, we must really be friends then, so complacent I said good night to him and hung the phone up. I forgot about it then, the reason I was alone on a Friday night, why I had talking to Haruka today in the first place. I thought then even more as I got into my sleeping clothes. Maybe there was a reason that Taka threw me aside…the only reason he gave me was that his childhood sweetheart had gotten divorced and came looking for him. I gave up because I knew I could not compete, the way he ignored me today I knew it was true. But, I didn’t give much thought to this, the last months of my relationship with Taka, I noticed that Nana never came around, then I realized that Haruka and her split I never learned the reason. Maybe… and this is a huge maybe, but maybe he broke up with her to get me back? Knowing that my relationship with Taka was breaking apart…was his friendship just an act to get back with me? Impossible…no, it’s very possible. I know better than anyone how determined Haruka is, the problem is me. What am I going to do If this is true? I haven’t the strength to being anew with him, I am still very hurt. If this is the reason behind his invitation, I will make it clear to him. Then I thought about Haruka a little more this was a mistake. The more I think about him, the more I realize that this is fate. It had to be, him leaving, me coming, him leaving her, me leaving him, him running to me, would I run to him? It seemed only the natural course, for whenever my thoughts run to him, I find that I cannot exempt him from my life, when I think about his absence I feel it, the anchor that binds e begins to cut away, it’s not that I’m in love with him it is that there is a connection between us. I fell asleep sometime while my thoughts rested on Haruka, having dreams that swept me to a land were I was running as fast as I could towards a figure in white, something was chasing me, an endless glow of light, so I kept running. I do not remember the rest of the dream, just that it was calling my name.