Cold. Venue. Cheers.Guitar.Echo.Encore."Good Work!". Car. Bed. Sleep. And it repeats.
It's like this on tour, but colder than I can ever recall my life being. I try to think about that time my paycheck didnt come in , Chara made some kind of cabbage soup and fed it to me by the heater.She kissed my cheek, wasnt angry or upset about the lack of food,she stroked my hair and sang to me with that smile I could barely see from the flickering of the heaters light since she suggested we conserve the power. That version of Chara was rare, but beautiful, 'my Chara', and she had such a sunny desposition the last few months before..."Haruka...."
That sweet and serene voice is a whisper in the wind, inside my mind, constantly around me, chasing me. I hear her everywhere. In the crowd, in the cold rush of my morning shower, when I walk across the platform to my tour bus, in the very wind blowing through my hair as I play on the stage of the Oricon Balle Arena, with a sea of faces, and a familiar rhythmn so infinitely memorized I can play it with my eyes closed, my fingers always hit the designated notes, and I'm somewhat robotic now.
Like a mechanism to this madness if stirring up my dreams of you, my only soulmate I will ever meet, I want to chase after her, but there's a different string pulling me towards that climb I must make before I can look back, because I can't turn back now, I've made this decision, and I will see it through before I return to you, my only soul.
Miles away, a sea away, and I return after three months of touring to the apartment I bought with the first paycheck I've gotten over a milion yen ago. Decorated by my manager I could care less, and then I get it, a call from said manager, Narita-San, tells me I am to attend an event tomorrow, cancel my plans, and get rest.
I hang up without a reply, the usual response he gets from me, a message from Saga, "Hang in there, rest up," same from Shou except he knows me a little better and adds, "--it's time to move on, don't you think?" i stirr upon that note, and want to bite back, but I know he's not attacking me, my heart breaks thinking of it all over again, and though I don't want to let that part of me go, those winter days in Los Angeles are precious to me, but i do need to let it go..sometime...not any time now.
"It's a corporate party, media will be there, lots of actresses and actors, more artists, it's a charity event so try to mingle with as many people as you can," I nod and stare outside the window, there it is again, "Haruka..."
it's a glamorous event, I'll give them that, the glass building sparkles, like that time...
I'm pulled by Saga , whose smiling and waving posing with me, I try my best but I fall short more than I'd like, I try to put it behind my mind and for a time, I become that charming guitar player on the cover of the magazines everyone loves. The image...just the image, I remind myself.
Two hours in everything is just about the same as the begining, i've had some to drink, and Shou is talking to a girl, she could be her....I am paralyzed, her hair....her height....body type...the gestures she's making as they are talking...but surely...surely it can't.
Before I realize it, I have my hand on her shoulder, those firery eyes...are not there.
These are different, this mouth is different, everything...and I am embarrased then,
"I'm sorry, I thought...I thought you were,"
She's sunny though and smiling at me says "Oh it's ok, happens all the time, Nana Hayase, nice to meet you" she gives me a bow, and it could be her, so for a time I give into it, "I'm Haruka Amano,"
"Ruka!!" she exclaims, "I knew that nickname must have been Haruka, but everyone's like 'that's a girl name there's no way', but oohhh I knew it, it's pretty, your parents wanted a girl?" I was taken back, "Yes, they did, wouldnt give up that name either ," and I was laughing, really laughing, I turned to shou and he was laughing as well, approvingly seemingly, he went to get me another drink, and I spent the night talking to this girl, whom was like the love I used to know, but different in so many ways, yet amazing herself, and I thought maybe I should drown this girl inside of me...my soul, as I thought as she continued to talk about herself, and asked me about L.A., I told her about school, but I didnt talk about Chara.
At the end of the night, Nana was all I could ponder upon, she grabbed my phone at one moment and put her information in, and called herself, "Now you can never be free!" she gave me a kiss on the cheek and bid me farewell, calling back, "Call me anytime~!"
can this be real?
I wonder...but I knew one thing, I could most definitely be making that call.
Then it happened, I fell in love again, on a summer day, by the beach, we were making sand castles, and she turned back from the ground to look at me, and it happened.
The following day it was her birthday, the studio wanted to celebrate it along with the release of her new single, I was working with her on her new album, I wanted to write a good song for her, caught up in that thought I didn't notice the girl who came up behind me, patted my shoulder, short blond hair, some pink in it, her voice distant, a fan maybe, "I'm sorry I don't give autographs at these events, they wont let me," She said something else, but I couldn't catch it, the words on my head were jumbles, as if I was missing something, I caught a clear look at her face, familiar, maybe, I didnt recognize her though, so I excused myself, "I need to go, I'm sorry, have a good time though,"
It freaked me out, that encounter with the fan, I made my way back to my booth, Nana was opening her presents or something, I had gotten a last minute call from Alec, and he was caught up in traffic and needed me to cover for an interview in the press room on behalf of the band. I agreed, I wasnt so camera shy anymore, it was a pleasant interview, but they brought up my relationship with Nana, I grinned, and said that was private, but between me and magazine, wouldnt it be something grand?
I was determined though, I took off for the exits, the roof, the bathrooms, but I couldnt find her, I remembered now, the back lobby she could be there, I was making my way through it, when I saw Masake running after a girl, I would greet him later but, it was Chara, that blonde, I followed them,
"I said i wasn't interested, please...just leave me alone,"
"Come on, give me a chance, I can make those tears go away and never come back,"
"No....I just....I just need to leave,"
"Then leave with me, I swear you wont regret it,"
I've never heard this before...he..and my soul? Surely, no, tell him no, and come back to me.
"I know what you want from me, and I could never give that to someone, after all this time, just please, give up, I want more than you can offer me."
All this time? Do they know eachother?
"You think that'll scare me? Pennydove, I want to give you everything you want, just name it, you want my hair? How about my eyes? My arms? My heart? my soul? Tell me what do you want me to give you, I'm not afraid of commitment before a first date you know, not when it comes to you."
She was crying now, but he was....gentle, like one should be towards Chara, it made me feel strange, but I grasped this concept quickly. Somehow, Masake and Chara know eachother, and he wants her, no, he's in love with her, because he understands her, like I would, and she...is hurt right now. I took a step towards the door, but a knot in my stomach made me turn away, Nana.
It's like this on tour, but colder than I can ever recall my life being. I try to think about that time my paycheck didnt come in , Chara made some kind of cabbage soup and fed it to me by the heater.She kissed my cheek, wasnt angry or upset about the lack of food,she stroked my hair and sang to me with that smile I could barely see from the flickering of the heaters light since she suggested we conserve the power. That version of Chara was rare, but beautiful, 'my Chara', and she had such a sunny desposition the last few months before..."Haruka...."
That sweet and serene voice is a whisper in the wind, inside my mind, constantly around me, chasing me. I hear her everywhere. In the crowd, in the cold rush of my morning shower, when I walk across the platform to my tour bus, in the very wind blowing through my hair as I play on the stage of the Oricon Balle Arena, with a sea of faces, and a familiar rhythmn so infinitely memorized I can play it with my eyes closed, my fingers always hit the designated notes, and I'm somewhat robotic now.
Like a mechanism to this madness if stirring up my dreams of you, my only soulmate I will ever meet, I want to chase after her, but there's a different string pulling me towards that climb I must make before I can look back, because I can't turn back now, I've made this decision, and I will see it through before I return to you, my only soul.
Miles away, a sea away, and I return after three months of touring to the apartment I bought with the first paycheck I've gotten over a milion yen ago. Decorated by my manager I could care less, and then I get it, a call from said manager, Narita-San, tells me I am to attend an event tomorrow, cancel my plans, and get rest.
I hang up without a reply, the usual response he gets from me, a message from Saga, "Hang in there, rest up," same from Shou except he knows me a little better and adds, "--it's time to move on, don't you think?" i stirr upon that note, and want to bite back, but I know he's not attacking me, my heart breaks thinking of it all over again, and though I don't want to let that part of me go, those winter days in Los Angeles are precious to me, but i do need to let it go..sometime...not any time now.
"It's a corporate party, media will be there, lots of actresses and actors, more artists, it's a charity event so try to mingle with as many people as you can," I nod and stare outside the window, there it is again, "Haruka..."
it's a glamorous event, I'll give them that, the glass building sparkles, like that time...
I'm pulled by Saga , whose smiling and waving posing with me, I try my best but I fall short more than I'd like, I try to put it behind my mind and for a time, I become that charming guitar player on the cover of the magazines everyone loves. The image...just the image, I remind myself.
Two hours in everything is just about the same as the begining, i've had some to drink, and Shou is talking to a girl, she could be her....I am paralyzed, her hair....her height....body type...the gestures she's making as they are talking...but surely...surely it can't.
Before I realize it, I have my hand on her shoulder, those firery eyes...are not there.
These are different, this mouth is different, everything...and I am embarrased then,
"I'm sorry, I thought...I thought you were,"
She's sunny though and smiling at me says "Oh it's ok, happens all the time, Nana Hayase, nice to meet you" she gives me a bow, and it could be her, so for a time I give into it, "I'm Haruka Amano,"
"Ruka!!" she exclaims, "I knew that nickname must have been Haruka, but everyone's like 'that's a girl name there's no way', but oohhh I knew it, it's pretty, your parents wanted a girl?" I was taken back, "Yes, they did, wouldnt give up that name either ," and I was laughing, really laughing, I turned to shou and he was laughing as well, approvingly seemingly, he went to get me another drink, and I spent the night talking to this girl, whom was like the love I used to know, but different in so many ways, yet amazing herself, and I thought maybe I should drown this girl inside of me...my soul, as I thought as she continued to talk about herself, and asked me about L.A., I told her about school, but I didnt talk about Chara.
At the end of the night, Nana was all I could ponder upon, she grabbed my phone at one moment and put her information in, and called herself, "Now you can never be free!" she gave me a kiss on the cheek and bid me farewell, calling back, "Call me anytime~!"
can this be real?
I wonder...but I knew one thing, I could most definitely be making that call.
Then it happened, I fell in love again, on a summer day, by the beach, we were making sand castles, and she turned back from the ground to look at me, and it happened.
The following day it was her birthday, the studio wanted to celebrate it along with the release of her new single, I was working with her on her new album, I wanted to write a good song for her, caught up in that thought I didn't notice the girl who came up behind me, patted my shoulder, short blond hair, some pink in it, her voice distant, a fan maybe, "I'm sorry I don't give autographs at these events, they wont let me," She said something else, but I couldn't catch it, the words on my head were jumbles, as if I was missing something, I caught a clear look at her face, familiar, maybe, I didnt recognize her though, so I excused myself, "I need to go, I'm sorry, have a good time though,"
It freaked me out, that encounter with the fan, I made my way back to my booth, Nana was opening her presents or something, I had gotten a last minute call from Alec, and he was caught up in traffic and needed me to cover for an interview in the press room on behalf of the band. I agreed, I wasnt so camera shy anymore, it was a pleasant interview, but they brought up my relationship with Nana, I grinned, and said that was private, but between me and magazine, wouldnt it be something grand?
I left them with that comment that stirred the press, I'm sure it would make her happy, that I would say something that would cement our relationship, I want this to work, after all, she is my soul now, my only soul. I made my way back to the table, but there was something different, more people, people i recognized. It was them;Tomo, Seiko, Erin greeted me as they walked into the crowd and disappeared into it. My hear was in shock, they were here, Zenna!
"Long time no see right?" Seiko ran up and hugged me, "We tried to call but Saga thought you might enjoy the surprise!"
But I was still in shock, "Where is she?" I scanned the room but I couldn't see her, I must seemed in a daze, but i couldnt find her. I turned back to Seiko whom was happy nad annoyed, I gave her a hug my old friend and teacher. "Its been so long, I finally I made my way to the table,
Nana was talking to someone, it was that fan, oh maybe they knew eachother, well that is embarrasin--no, it wasn't a fan. It happened slowly, no... fast, but time slowed down. Nana got up and waved me to come over, the girl turned around, and those eyes...I saw them now, my heart broke right there and then, I couldnt hide it, and she couldnt either, because I saw it now, how I hurt her without even knowing it, how could I forget my only soul? How?
I got to the table about to appologize to her, to take her in my arms to tell her everything would be fine now, but Nana crashed into me, with a kiss. " I knew it, I knew you were in love with me, thank you thank you thank you for telling everyone, seems my manager and yours approved that we should be going public anyways, oh my, where are my manners, Haruka, I meet this new band today, come say hi," Yeah, i deserved the look Seiko gave me, piercing through me like a hot knife into the snow, it cut me deep, but Chara was just despondent not making eye contact, I don't want her to cry, I bowed to them, and took Nana away.
We shouldnt be here, not next to her, not right now...not when...i swear I could hear it cracking, my heart and hers, I managed to get Nana to talk to an old friend of hers, while I ran back to the table, but Chara was gone, Seiko walked right up to me though and grabbed my arm, "It's amazing to see you here, my little one, but how could you not meet her with kindness? Did you change so much you couldn't give her time of day?" I was speechless, then she scoffed, "I would tear you apart right now if it wasnt for her, this is our first event, and I dont want to ruin her chances, I could care less about myself, but how could you?"
Tomo was behind her now , calming her down, "I'm sure he didn't mean, it was a misunderstanding right? Tell us that's what happened, I refused to believe you're this cold." The words wouldn't come out, but the thing I needed now was,, "Where is she, now? Where did she go?" Seiko threw up her arms, "Who knows, but like you care, I wish you ever happiness with that air head, truly, good bye Haruka." She walked off, Tomo, couldnt even looked at me, jsut shook his head and followed Seiko, "Fuck."
I was determined though, I took off for the exits, the roof, the bathrooms, but I couldnt find her, I remembered now, the back lobby she could be there, I was making my way through it, when I saw Masake running after a girl, I would greet him later but, it was Chara, that blonde, I followed them,
"I said i wasn't interested, please...just leave me alone,"
"Come on, give me a chance, I can make those tears go away and never come back,"
"No....I just....I just need to leave,"
"Then leave with me, I swear you wont regret it,"
I've never heard this before...he..and my soul? Surely, no, tell him no, and come back to me.
they made their way out, and i was standing behind a beam, I wanted to cross the threshold but i had no right, Masake...he did.
"I know what you want from me, and I could never give that to someone, after all this time, just please, give up, I want more than you can offer me."
All this time? Do they know eachother?
"You think that'll scare me? Pennydove, I want to give you everything you want, just name it, you want my hair? How about my eyes? My arms? My heart? my soul? Tell me what do you want me to give you, I'm not afraid of commitment before a first date you know, not when it comes to you."
She was crying now, but he was....gentle, like one should be towards Chara, it made me feel strange, but I grasped this concept quickly. Somehow, Masake and Chara know eachother, and he wants her, no, he's in love with her, because he understands her, like I would, and she...is hurt right now. I took a step towards the door, but a knot in my stomach made me turn away, Nana.
This situation, I know what will happen, and really...what would my barging over there accomplish? She'd be upset, and I'd be in an awkward situation...didnt I just forget her? Why is this happening? I decided to do what I know she'd do, I walked away.
Maybe she'd be happier, it wasn't me, the jerk that didnt even recognize her. Some other day I will be able to explain myself to her, but right now, I've done enough damage.
I dont know what happened between those two, but Masake was using all the right tones and gestures towards her andI know hes a good guy. "Hell look after her," I whispered, already drunk on my fifth whiskey Nana made eyes at me and pouted. "You been getting drunk all night, whats up? Are you mad at me or something?"
I tried to compose myself but I knew i had to leave, "I'm just not feeling well, love, I'm going to turn in early, is that okay?" Ever love,y she embraced me and petted me. "OF course, but remmebr tomorrow we are having our own private celebration at my parents, so whateve rhagn over remedies you got use them all~!" She was like a ray of sunshine no matter, what, and though I;;ve messed up with Chara, i knew i had to still be there for Nana, my only soul...right?
Comments
Post a Comment