Regret is the companion of greif, and within it I felt the strength inside his words, but I couldn't take it anymore. Taking Shou's hand and removing it's grip as if each finger was holding a hesitation asking me "why?"
That expression that stabbed at my heart took over his face and I had to look down to avoid it. "Why?" the words formed from his voice was solemn, I felt so cold, and could only shake my head as I stared at the pattern of the cotton on his shirt as I answered him. "This past year...you doubt every single thing I've said to you, you leave me, avoid me, break off all contact with me, you turned my heart inside out and now you want more, even more than you wanted when you asked me to stop seeing Haru," I raised my head then, and saw his sparkling eyes, but I couldn't stop myself now, "What is it about me that isn't good enough for you Shou, your illusion of me, the real me, which is better? Tell me so that I don't have to keep trying no, I don't want to keep trying, it's wearing me gone, and I can feel myself withering inside of it," His expression was shaken, his words breaking and softly he half worded sad words, "Are you...," he reached for me, I looked away, "I--" Regret, tha tis the word I would use to describe the things inside of me, wanting to take everything back, but knowing that if i did, if I did.... "The moment my heart felt that you never saw it, that day in Saporo, it was the coldest I've ever felt since,...I thought the day you looked into my eyes and said you'd always loved me would be the last day i'd feel that, that emptiness, and now...I find myself wondering, how long until it happens again? What will trigger it, when will he stop it? would be he able to? No, i know you couldn't , because I know in the most bare part of myself that I will always carry another's name in my heart, because no matter how much I try to convey to you how amazing I see the world because of you, it will never be enough, not ever," Shou was silent, and then i felt his warmth all over me, pushing his back was useless, his lips told me everything, pressing against me, his fire ate away all of my doubts, silencing the fear, his wet face on mine, he pushed his nose against mine creating a trance inducing pressure, and he spoke in simple words . "I am a fool, a truly incompetent, unworthy fool, I know you love me, but that truth is so incredulous I loose myself believing it's too good to be truthful, I am pathetic to try and pull you away from him, because it was he who was able to bring you closer to me, I love him, and I love you, so much your words kill me, Mars, Pleaides, my heart, I will go away from you if that is what you truly want, I will do anythin-" I held him closer, drowning in his words, his confession, his skin against mine on the soft sand he was paralyzed in my embrace, it grew tighter, and I let it go, the doubts, "If your words are true...stop doubting me," There was a silence then, my heart knew it then, a shadow overcame his eyes, and in the next words came as his lips moved, "I just want you, if you return to me after all of this, after everything, it would be enough." I knew it was a lie. Of course then I wanted to believe it and in the week that lasted I stayed with Shou, when the kids came over and it happened again, I kept staring at my Zetsubou, and I recalled him, my heart, he didn't want them coming over unannounced since then, of course I created an uproar about it, Layla did too, she didn't understand, but I did shou was selfish with me, and I made it clear I didn't belong to him. The Sunday that followed was the last time he touched me, that was my gift to him, before I packed my suitcase and left again, this time I went somewhere no one would find me.
Mexico is as hot as ever and in the winding of the sun the nights are filled with insect noises andt he sound of passing cars. It was in this old house that I found myself isolated.
There were no pictures on the walls, just a faded lavender colour, broken pipes and grass everywhere.
here is where I started to write it, my album, it wasn't like Los Angeles, no one knew I was here, I was using my main account to make payments to my account here, it would just look like an automatic payment, no one would notice.
these nights I spend it drinking wine and tequila on the piano until I faint or break a glass, and even then sometimes it wont stop me. I want it to be tomorrow but since I've come here two months ago, it seems tomorrow will never come it's like one long day. These months dragged on, and then in Autumn as I was singing on the roof of my father's old house, I felt a familiar presence, surely, there it was. "Princess," all sorts of emotions came flowing through, yet I didn't know what to do with it, I dropped my guitar on the floor and approched him slowly, almost like it was an illusion, and I felt the blurred vison go away as my face got wet, and my heart was racing, and his arms were open, " Michio!" his warmth was familiar, though he was much older now, and frail, he was strong enough to embrace me with his might and I felt loved , a small essence of love. "How did you? How?" Astounded I asked as I led him back into the house I poured him some jm]+L
That expression that stabbed at my heart took over his face and I had to look down to avoid it. "Why?" the words formed from his voice was solemn, I felt so cold, and could only shake my head as I stared at the pattern of the cotton on his shirt as I answered him. "This past year...you doubt every single thing I've said to you, you leave me, avoid me, break off all contact with me, you turned my heart inside out and now you want more, even more than you wanted when you asked me to stop seeing Haru," I raised my head then, and saw his sparkling eyes, but I couldn't stop myself now, "What is it about me that isn't good enough for you Shou, your illusion of me, the real me, which is better? Tell me so that I don't have to keep trying no, I don't want to keep trying, it's wearing me gone, and I can feel myself withering inside of it," His expression was shaken, his words breaking and softly he half worded sad words, "Are you...," he reached for me, I looked away, "I--" Regret, tha tis the word I would use to describe the things inside of me, wanting to take everything back, but knowing that if i did, if I did.... "The moment my heart felt that you never saw it, that day in Saporo, it was the coldest I've ever felt since,...I thought the day you looked into my eyes and said you'd always loved me would be the last day i'd feel that, that emptiness, and now...I find myself wondering, how long until it happens again? What will trigger it, when will he stop it? would be he able to? No, i know you couldn't , because I know in the most bare part of myself that I will always carry another's name in my heart, because no matter how much I try to convey to you how amazing I see the world because of you, it will never be enough, not ever," Shou was silent, and then i felt his warmth all over me, pushing his back was useless, his lips told me everything, pressing against me, his fire ate away all of my doubts, silencing the fear, his wet face on mine, he pushed his nose against mine creating a trance inducing pressure, and he spoke in simple words . "I am a fool, a truly incompetent, unworthy fool, I know you love me, but that truth is so incredulous I loose myself believing it's too good to be truthful, I am pathetic to try and pull you away from him, because it was he who was able to bring you closer to me, I love him, and I love you, so much your words kill me, Mars, Pleaides, my heart, I will go away from you if that is what you truly want, I will do anythin-" I held him closer, drowning in his words, his confession, his skin against mine on the soft sand he was paralyzed in my embrace, it grew tighter, and I let it go, the doubts, "If your words are true...stop doubting me," There was a silence then, my heart knew it then, a shadow overcame his eyes, and in the next words came as his lips moved, "I just want you, if you return to me after all of this, after everything, it would be enough." I knew it was a lie. Of course then I wanted to believe it and in the week that lasted I stayed with Shou, when the kids came over and it happened again, I kept staring at my Zetsubou, and I recalled him, my heart, he didn't want them coming over unannounced since then, of course I created an uproar about it, Layla did too, she didn't understand, but I did shou was selfish with me, and I made it clear I didn't belong to him. The Sunday that followed was the last time he touched me, that was my gift to him, before I packed my suitcase and left again, this time I went somewhere no one would find me.
Mexico is as hot as ever and in the winding of the sun the nights are filled with insect noises andt he sound of passing cars. It was in this old house that I found myself isolated.
There were no pictures on the walls, just a faded lavender colour, broken pipes and grass everywhere.
here is where I started to write it, my album, it wasn't like Los Angeles, no one knew I was here, I was using my main account to make payments to my account here, it would just look like an automatic payment, no one would notice.
these nights I spend it drinking wine and tequila on the piano until I faint or break a glass, and even then sometimes it wont stop me. I want it to be tomorrow but since I've come here two months ago, it seems tomorrow will never come it's like one long day. These months dragged on, and then in Autumn as I was singing on the roof of my father's old house, I felt a familiar presence, surely, there it was. "Princess," all sorts of emotions came flowing through, yet I didn't know what to do with it, I dropped my guitar on the floor and approched him slowly, almost like it was an illusion, and I felt the blurred vison go away as my face got wet, and my heart was racing, and his arms were open, " Michio!" his warmth was familiar, though he was much older now, and frail, he was strong enough to embrace me with his might and I felt loved , a small essence of love. "How did you? How?" Astounded I asked as I led him back into the house I poured him some jm]+L
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